Friday, June 12, 2009

life



well my whole May makeover goal turned into a messy MS takeover...

The dentist experience flipped my world upside down...6 cavities filled...then 2 days later an emergency root canal, novocaine, PAIN PAIN worse than labor PAIN, medications...sent my body into an overdrive kill. I have never experienced such constant hurtful pain. I would lay on my bed all day with my head sandwiched between two pillows with tears streaming down my cheeks as my whole brain and mouth throbbed. The Vicadin didn't even do much but make me throw-up and be drowsy...the anti-biotics (I am for the most part anti anti-biotics) gave me the onset of a yeast infection..oh lovely...and so...well- all my goals sort of collapsed and I became very discouraged.

Once the pain killers started to actually work I was able to feed my children something else besides saltine crackers and milk...they upgraded to bread and peanut butter...and promised marshmallows if they watched cartoons for more than an hour without complaining. You will watch cartoons all day, you will rot your brain, fry your eyes, numb out all creativity, and zone out of reality...all day...or you will go to time-out...understand? Now be good girls and go downstairs and turn on the television.

But now that I can sort of control the pain...I am now dealing with immense fatigue, numb feet, pains and weakness in my left side and all the other weird MS crappy stuff- my body is very sensitive and fragile...and so running and exercising is OUT of the question...everything is out of the question besides surviving...it is so discouraging...

one thing I am learning:

The header banner on my blog has a quote I no longer like. "This is your world. Shape it. Or someone else will."

This quote was once liked because I tend to "let the voices of critics paralyze me" and sometimes people's opinions have too much influence on my ideas and goals...but why I don't like the quote anymore is because one thing I have learned these past 2-3 weeks is that my life is really in God's hands not mine. He shapes it. He teaches me, He guides me, He blesses me, He patiently waits for me to break through discouragement with strength that He gives me. Like the song I quoted a while ago, "my life's not really mine...It's all about His design" (beautiful to him)

What I have in mind for me is not always what God has in mind for me. I have to learn to trust this ounce of profound truth.

I get so sad that I can't accomplish the goals I have the way I want to. What is accomplishment anyway? And success? Most of the time it's a cultural definition of what accomplishment and success should be...and rarely God's.

We measure our worth on the weirdest things. I used to complain to my mom that I couldn't get anything done around the house because I was holding Julia all day and she would gently remind me that I was getting everything done that I was supposed to get done...It took me awhile to believe that...but I am starting to have so much joy "wasting time" with my girls. Come snuggle with me, come cook with me, come read with me, let's be together! Let's "waste time" being together. I love being with my girls. Little guilt on those playful days...love it.

anyway. so. back to complaining. I wish my body was healthy. I wish I could bounce back like I could just 4 years earlier. oh well. What am I supposed to be learning here??? Teach me.

And then there is Chay. He is trying to understand me...I don't have a tumor growing out of my face and my arms aren't cut off...so it is hard to explain what it is I'm going through when I am dealing with MS, discouragement, aching teeth...but Chay is an amazing person. I cherish him. I want to kill him sometimes...But I love him so much. He is full of so much love...so much love...he insists on fixing me...But I tell him to just hear me out- it will do more good...He has taken over so many responsibilities- paper route included and hasn't complained about the tornado of a house...or the saltine cracker dinners. Chay has given me beautiful priesthood blessings and has rubbed my back until I fall asleep. I love my Chay. I love being with him and talking to him. I love reading to him. He let's me read him to sleep.



Together we are taking on some major changes in our life and the ONLY way we will make it through is by leaning on each other. No outside influences will work this time. This is a me and Chay thing. I believe in us.

Now I have to find strength again. I will. I just have to be continually grateful for my blessings and have faith that Heavenly Father knows what's up.

I need to be around friends who keep my mind on funny and meaningful things...and with time this too shall all pass. It has to. It is too "all consuming" for it to stick around much longer. I demand this part of my life to be over thank you. I don't like it. This body is something else I tell you. So precious. Don't take it for granted. I will not be lying on a hospice bed at 59. I will be healthy. Maybe this is all a gift in disguise.

Well that is that. faith be with me.

oh and P.S.

Joette is in love. That alone makes me so happy. The Lord really is mindful of us isn't He? She found the man of her dreams. It has finally happened.

6 comments:

Mothership said...

This was an interesting post to read tonight. I just got off the phone with my Levi who was saying about the same exact things you were saying: Why did the Lord give you the trial you are given? What are you supposed to learn? How can you get beyond it? Big, big questions. I don't know the answers, but I know He does. I wish I could take away your pain and Levi's temptations. I am sorry that you are hurting. I will pray for you, you good, loving mother/wife.

And btw, YEAH!!! for Joette. I can't wait to hear the story--I've gotten snippets from others, but need to hear her voice telling the tale. Ahhhh!

Tara said...

April, so sad to see you going through such a struggle right now. I think I'll learn from this and not declare a 'makeover' because I know there are many areas of my life I need to makeover. I'll just see if I can do it quietly, so I'm not given such a brute challenge.

We're here to help & support. Let us know what to do! I guess I should call you directly instead of asking Chay. :)

Hopefully all the dentist work that needs to be done is all done, so your body can start to rest, recover, and rejuvenate.

I find myself making fewer and fewer lists and trying to enjoy the time instead of trying to get something done. Life is much better when there is time for breathers and pit stops.

We'll be sure to include you in our prayers.

The Wright Stuff said...

I love you April! I know I've said it before, but I SOOO wish we lived by each other so that I could be of service to you... I am so sorry to hear about your dental pains... that's awful!
You are so amazing! I just gave a talk yesterday on "blooming where you're planted" and you are such an awesome example of that. I love how you share your thoughts about what you're going through. Your faith is so strong. You are being blessed! Know that I love you!!! I hope all your pains subside SOON!

Shari said...

Wow April, I had no idea that you were going though all of this. I'm sorry. I should be a more involved neighbor. I would be willing to watch your girls anytime you need to rest or just want quiet. My girls would love it! I am sure they would have a lot of fun! I hope things get better for you.

Calie said...

April .... I love you.

Solveig said...

Oh April...trials, trials...why do they all seem to hit at once sometimes? It doesn't seem fair but there is purpose in all of it...the Lord wants us to be stronger. He gives you these things because he knows you are capable of bearing them and they will only make you better and stronger if you endure them well. I'm so sorry about your health ordeals, I hope they will pass soon. I really do understand (at least some of) your pain.