Can you believe I threw up last night? Morning sickness only sort of went away.
Here I am 35 weeks pregnant and I am miserable. Grateful to be having a baby, I think. :)
I am actually scared to death to have 4 children. I adore children and I have my perks but the everyday responsibility to raise happy healthy spiritually confident children literally stresses me out on most days and I feel utterly exhausted with the demands of motherhood. Maybe it is my health at the moment but I just don't think I have it in me to have a newborn right now. I am scared of breastfeeding, all nighters, and dealing with a jealous non talking stubborn 2 year old toddler.
...and Julia who is so so so text book middle child it's unbelievable.
I am scared of taking 4 children to Kenzie's school every morning in the cold and waking up the crew at 6:30 for scripture study when I've been up all night with a baby. The simplest tasks seem overwhelming right now being huge and pregnant. Meal planning, making dinner, cleaning the bathroom, making Kenzie's lunches, Kenzie's homework...I am just really tired and my brain is foggy. I literally survive each day it feels...and nights- The aches and pains of night time- the interrupted sleep with hips, butt and crotch aches when I shift from one side to the other all night- makes me fear bedtime. I sit on the couch and watch re-runs of Friends and The Office at night until Chay is about to collapse. He begs me to come to sleep but I want to avoid sleep because I know it will be a rough night's sleep...even though I usually fall asleep in 2.2 seconds once my head hits the pillow.
This is a really bad mom confession, but I am so thankful for modern technology...I am so thankful for good quality movies and TV programs for my children to watch when I just don't feel like being a pro-active mom.
ahhhh. Life. It is great. I know it is. I am just anxiously awaiting for this phase in my life to be over. I hate what pregnancy does to me. I hear mothers saying their "hell" would be potty training for eternity- mine would be being pregnant.
Ok, Ok, it has its lovely moments- like when Xander rambles and tries to talk to my belly. The other day he was driving his cars all over my stomach saying "b-y". He will kiss my belly and Julia will randomly come up to me and hug my belly. Everyone is waiting for this little kid to enter the world...and there is excitement to be felt.
I went through baby clothes the other day and I seriously can't wait to hold a newborn and to feel his heavenly whatever. You know, perfectness.
I need a name. Again we are clueless about names for this little boy. I am not one to make names sentimental or meaningful. I guess Julia has my mom's middle name and Xander is Xander Chay...but I don't care to name my kids after ancestors who I don't know personally...
I met a girl named Chasity once and I cringed at the thought the pressure that name must have on her. I know a Charity. The name fits her perfectly but we had a conversation once if she felt she had to be extra charitable because of her name and she admitted there is some truth to that. Then there are scripture names...which I think are inspiring but I know 2 crazy "Almas". Jonah is a cool name but he feared God's command at first before he obeyed...would that jinx a kid's complex or internal idea of anything about him? I personally love love love the name Samson. But the Bible dictionary says this about Samson: "He was known for his great physical strength, but he was not wise in some moral choices and actions." AHHHH How would I explain that to my son? Would he demand having long hair? Lol- Am I being silly? What is in a name anyway? Nothing? What is your opinion? Can I name our son Samson?
There is always the classic name "Christian" which I love but I will be mad when people shorten it to Chris.
Chay is slang for "friend" and "grandpa" in Navajo. Chay's dad served a mission among the Navajo Indians and his Dad is always saying that the name "Chay" fits him perfectly...and it is true. Chay is everyone's friend.
Kenzie still looks like a Sadie to me and I wished I fought harder for that name but Chay had the final word. Then we agreed I would name the next child- Julia. Which in my mind is the most beautiful classy girl's name of all time and fits Julia perfectly. I love Mckenzie's name because Kenzie is Kenzie and she is my little Kenzie- but I can't let Sadie go for some reason.
I asked Kenzie once if she wanted to legally change her name to Sadie and she said no. LOL. What a confusing thing for a 6 year old to hear or contemplate.
I need help in the name department for my little boy...
I need help in the life department. I am barely making it here.
We got a new car. A mini van. And guess what? I love it. There is nothing to be embarrassed about besides it is that one choice a woman makes that finalizes the end of her youth and fully embraces motherhood. It is as simple as that. It shouts middle age mom all over the place. No matter how hard a mom tries, she can't look sexy in a mini van..and that is ok, because she is a mom and married hopefully. :) Chay actually loves the van also. His pride is doing pretty well. He just loves the convenience of the van...and of course the power. "Did you know the van can go up to 160 MPH?" oh dear...I will just let him man relish in the van as much as he can. He did forget his sunglasses once while driving it and I offered him mine. He quickly responded, "I can't drive a mini-van and wear women's glasses April, I have to stop somewhere." So funny.
We were able to get the van at an awesome price plus the insurance company gave us way more for our Suburban than we were expecting. We were really having a hard time finding something reliant and in our price range. Then one day everything fell into place perfectly. My dad called the night we bought the van and he said he was praying for us all day that we could find a car. My dad has changed so much over the last 10 years, it's crazy. He is a wonderful man. He has always been wonderful but oh boy was he grumpy and feisty when we were little ones...and to hear him mention prayer as a child is something we never ever heard. His whole demeanor has gradually changed since he joined the church. It has been a wonderful thing to experience.
Maybe I should finally take down Christmas decorations...but I love my house at Christmas time...and I'm tired.
at this rate I might as well just call them Valentines Day decorations...red works right.
Ok, Xander is playing with scissors. Bye.