I know people have way worse circumstances than me. I was thinking that this morning as I told Chay "I feel like I am living a nightmare". Then I realized that my nightmare would be considered a dream come true to some people's lives. I was then reminded of how good I really do have it.
I just hurt really bad. I am not sleeping at all and my body really hurts. I am so tired and yet I feel like the demands of motherhood and being a wife are more than ever. I imagine being super energetic and being on top of everything and making sure my kids get ready for the day, and the house gets cleaned up, and I have the desire to read and play with the kids...but no, even the simplest tasks seem impossible.
Putting on jeans is hard enough.
I cried this morning at the thought of getting out of bed, walking up the stairs, packing Kenzie's lunch, making her breakfast, motivating her to get ready, feeding the other kids, get them all in the car by 7:38 so we can make it on time to Kenzie's school. Seriously a task as simple as that brought me to tears. I am officially losing it.
Kenzie is so playful and la-la that she just doesn't understand the concept of time. She will start to do her hair and then she will play in front of the mirror and then she will see the kitty and forget she is doing her hair and start chasing the cat around the room. I am of course worried about getting out the door in time so I am constantly nudging her to stay focused. Almost every morning there is a small battle about priorities and staying focused. The thing is- I love her flighty "ness" and I think it is very child like and she is just a child...so it makes me sad that I have to tell her to stop being a child so she can grow up and be responsible. But she must learn sometime...
Chay offered to take Kenzie to school this morning after my crying spell. I was so relieved but then again sad I won't be able to walk her into school and give my big girl a hug. She and I will be ok.
I googled how to start labor naturally last night at midnight...I think there are truths everywhere so there has to be some validity when several sources recommend taking the herb Evening Primrose- so I don't know, maybe I will stop by the health store and see what they say. I am desperate. I have never been so uncomfortable in all my pregnancies. The doctor told me the baby was weighing 8lbs 14 oz according to his measurements and I supposedly have 3 more weeks to go.
I snapped at a lady at church on Sunday. She is this older lady who never married and she has a great attitude about life but she can be so verbal about things she has no clue about. She is constantly saying things to me about my appearance and my pregnancy that I finally had enough. She came up to me and started telling me how awkward I was carrying my baby and that I was especially wide. Nice. Then a few minutes later she told me how tired and exhausted I look. I finally said, "Kathy, you always have something nice to say don't you? You haven't seen my feet yet have you? Why don't you tell me how big my ankles are too because I don't know that about myself either." I think I surprised her but I just wasn't in the mood. She apologized and I warned her not to mess with 9 month irritable pregnant ladies- we can be vicious.
Chay taught a quick lesson last night for Family Home Evening...well it was more like a story during dinner time but we counted it as Family Home Evening because we're all just trying to stay afloat around here. His story was about how Heavenly Father answers our prayers. He talked about a man who was stuck in his house during a hurricane. He prayed that God would help him so he went outside and got on his car because the water was rising. A couple men on a boat came by and offered to rescue him and the man refused saying he was waiting for God to help him. Then the man got back into his house and went on the roof and a helicopter came and offered to rescue him but the man refused again because he said God was going to help him. Well, the man eventually drowned and died in the hurricane. Chay explained that God answers our prayers in many ways, but one of the ways is through other people. It was a great story for the kids. Julia's eyes were fixated on Chay. She was very intrigued.
With Chay's story in mind, I am thankful for the small acts of service my dear friends have done for us. Small answers to prayers- Gary our neighbor brought over a big bag of honey crisp apples for me the other day. His kind words, "I remember you saying once your favorite apple was Honey Crisps." Cynthia brought me homemade foot scrub (which I intend on using once I can reach my feet again without falling over) and a whole wheat bread mix and recipe. Tami invited us over for dinner and I just sat on her couch and did nothing and it felt so good to be served. Tara brought over pumpkin chocolate bread. Chay's mom has been ever so generous and helping out a ton in her non-spotlight ways. She is a great example to me. I am thankful for all the mindful people who have been inspired from on high to show little acts of love towards me and my family.
Now if any of my friends and family know how to make me go into labor today, that would be the ultimate act of love and service...and answer to prayer. :)