I just read over my post and I think the words "cry" or "crying" are written here at least 10 times.
so I need to talk to somebody about this over and over again...I even need to repeat the same stories and tell how I feel a million times...Chay has heard it plenty. So I will write to the computer screen...and to all of you. Computers are pretty good listeners if you think about it. It just feels better to talk/write things out. I want to mourn. I want to make a big deal out of this. I don't know why- but for just a little while I want this to be consuming and heartbreaking. It will be easier to let it go if I just throw it all out on the table.
So Joette keeps telling me the veil is thin at home. I get upset that I am not close to home. My life is here with my husband and children but I really wish I could rub mom's feet and hug her and be with her more during these last days.
I have really needed my mom lately. We used to talk to each other every single day almost for a good 45 minutes or so. I tell her everything. The last 3 weeks have been super hard for me. I pretend to be all strong but the hurt leaks out- I can tell because I feel wasted, burdened, and it seems like I have been eating everything in sight(that is always a good indicator that something is unbalanced in my life)- I know most of you can relate. Food- my drug of choice.
My mom is getting worse and worse as the days go by. It hurts. Where is she? Her mind is slipping. After seeing the doctor about Julia's stupid eraser incident, I longed to tell her all about it. I called her from the waiting room at the doctor's office. She couldn't comprehend what I was saying. She was slurring her words. She spoke soft. She was making comments that didn't sound like her normal way of speaking. She was like a stranger. After repeating my Julia story 5 times she finally understood it. She then said out of the blue, "April I love you. I love you more than Honey Bunches of Oats. And you know, I have thought a lot about if I should love you more than Honey Bunches of Oats or not and you know, I do." (it's ok, you can laugh) but at that very moment I knew things were getting really bad and the tears came and I couldn't stop crying.
"Honey bunches of Oats Mom?" I questioned while wiping my eyes.
"Yes dear, you are so precious to me, more than life itself. What a wonderful daughter you have been"
It is like she has pieces of her heart still manifesting in her words but the majority of what she says is so off in some sick brain land. It is so weird. So sad. I can't wait to laugh with her again someday about the whole "honey bunches of oats" thing- because I know she will laugh so hard- I can see her now...laughing so hard she is wheezing.
I dwell a lot in the "once was" and I can't stop thinking about my mom's life and how funny she used to be...and all her lessons she would teach- and all the poems and plays she has written...and all the talks we have had...all the prom dresses and brides maid dresses she has sewn and all the testimonies she has born...and all the "alls"
I call home every day. My dad is being so strong. The once gruff man who used to yell all day is now giving my mom a bath, cooking her meals, pushing her in the wheelchair on walks, weeding her flower garden, getting up 3-4 times a night to help her use the bathroom. It is just humbling to think about how my mom's sickness has molded this once rough edge of a man into something so soft and loving. He is however still kind of a nervous wreck right now and still has his bouts of quirks and blow offs but we are still so amazed at his overall change.
Mom's oncologist cried yesterday when she saw mom. She told her it was mom's last appointment and it was time to get things in order. My mom's oncologist, Jonie, loves mom dearly. Mom painted a picture for her a couple years ago- it was a picture of Jonie's 3 children when they were little. It is hanging above Jonie's fireplace in her home. Jonie was sad to see how much mom has changed...as we all are. Jonie kept telling my mom how wonderful of a life she has had and she never knew anyone who tried so hard to fight this.
My aunt Linda who is a nurse has been staying with my mom for a week or so. Linda and my mom haven't really talked for 25+ years. I so happen to live close to Linda here in Utah and I have made a huge effort to become close to her. I don't know why but I felt a strong pull to have a relationship with her. She decided to drive up and stay with Mom and it has been such an amazing experience for them both...a great healing has occurred. My mom had a really hard childhood. Linda told me last night that my mom has declined a lot this week and that she will be surprised if she makes it another month. My mom cried when Linda left last night, hugging her and saying "oh Linda what will I do without you?" I called and Linda was crying...this is all so very emotional for our family.
I talked to my mom on the phone last night. She is hard to talk to. But I couldn't stop crying. It was like the big crying with the big tears. The embarrassing kind of crying where you can't seem to control it. I told my mom to hold on until I get there and to pray that Heavenly Father allows her to not lose all her communication and memory. She then told me, "April, everything is going to be ok. I feel a lot of peace right now. I am ready to go home. Everything will be ok. Just always know how much I love you" it was very tender. I knew it was sincere. The next moment though she then said, "April I am going to pull out of this, I am already starting to feel better." ????? She might take awhile to pass on because she is such a fighter. She still wants to do everything she used to. She fell the other night and cracked the china cabinet. She is always trying to get up and do things by herself. It is very sad to see her try to do the motherly routine things she has done her whole life.
ok well I am done for now. I have things I need to get done around the house...