Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Blogging isn't really that fun anymore without Mom. I basically started this blog just for her. She lived so far away and she always begged to see pictures and videos of my girls. Mom would always leave comments on my blog- and then she would also call me afterwards to compliment me on my writing. Talk about feeling validated!- my mom was pretty good at helping me feel good about myself.
Mom would call daily just to talk to Kenzie on the phone. It wasn't an obligation or a duty to talk to Kenzie- it was her pure joy as a grandmother. Mom sent letters and pictures in the mail for the girls at random times- not just on their birthday. It was like she truly understood childhood and she embraced every moment of it that she could. Mom taught me how to be a grandma. Just give me another 20 years or so...
I really miss my mom.
I try really hard to stay busy...and some days are better than others...it is kind of weird how the whole missing thing goes- just out of the blue while sweeping the floor or something, I will get this huge ache in my heart and the tears will just come out of nowhere. Then a couple minutes later I seem to be ok for awhile.
This has been the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. It has been so draining in every way- I feel so much pressure- all coming from somewhere- just this heaviness- physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. I have been super angry and vicious and I have been a soft blubbery mess- At times I want to live in the temple for comfort and then sometimes I just want to stay under my covers on Sundays and not go to church.
These feelings I am feeling is something I would totally talk about with my mom. I could say something totally wrong and irrational to my mom and she would just know that I was being wrong and irrational- and think nothing of it. She would just talk me through things as she sympathized and mostly empathized with me.
Someone I know quite well said to me, "I can't believe how open you are about your mom" What? She is my mom. I loved her. I talked to her every day of my life. What is there to be closed about? Shouldn't I be able to talk about her with people I trust and love?
I am eternally grateful for Emily and Tiffani for calling me just because- and never being afraid that the "mom" topic might pop up somehow- because it usually always does...
and last week I talked Marne's ear off for about 2 hours as I walked aimlessly around Albertson's. The shelves were empty from the big sale and so instead of getting a good deal on the sale, I at least got a good conversation on the phone with Marne- which means more to me anyway (I am glad however that I eventually got some diapers)
I am so thankful that even though I lost Mom- who was one of my greatest friends ever- I am grateful for the friends I still have- that care and listen as I go through this.
Posted by April at 1:00 PM