Wednesday, January 14, 2009

thank you

Blogging isn't really that fun anymore without Mom. I basically started this blog just for her. She lived so far away and she always begged to see pictures and videos of my girls. Mom would always leave comments on my blog- and then she would also call me afterwards to compliment me on my writing. Talk about feeling validated!- my mom was pretty good at helping me feel good about myself.

Mom would call daily just to talk to Kenzie on the phone. It wasn't an obligation or a duty to talk to Kenzie- it was her pure joy as a grandmother. Mom sent letters and pictures in the mail for the girls at random times- not just on their birthday. It was like she truly understood childhood and she embraced every moment of it that she could. Mom taught me how to be a grandma. Just give me another 20 years or so...

I really miss my mom.

I try really hard to stay busy...and some days are better than is kind of weird how the whole missing thing goes- just out of the blue while sweeping the floor or something, I will get this huge ache in my heart and the tears will just come out of nowhere. Then a couple minutes later I seem to be ok for awhile.

This has been the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. It has been so draining in every way- I feel so much pressure- all coming from somewhere- just this heaviness- physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. I have been super angry and vicious and I have been a soft blubbery mess- At times I want to live in the temple for comfort and then sometimes I just want to stay under my covers on Sundays and not go to church.

These feelings I am feeling is something I would totally talk about with my mom. I could say something totally wrong and irrational to my mom and she would just know that I was being wrong and irrational- and think nothing of it. She would just talk me through things as she sympathized and mostly empathized with me.

Someone I know quite well said to me, "I can't believe how open you are about your mom" What? She is my mom. I loved her. I talked to her every day of my life. What is there to be closed about? Shouldn't I be able to talk about her with people I trust and love?

I am eternally grateful for Emily and Tiffani for calling me just because- and never being afraid that the "mom" topic might pop up somehow- because it usually always does...

and last week I talked Marne's ear off for about 2 hours as I walked aimlessly around Albertson's. The shelves were empty from the big sale and so instead of getting a good deal on the sale, I at least got a good conversation on the phone with Marne- which means more to me anyway (I am glad however that I eventually got some diapers)

I am so thankful that even though I lost Mom- who was one of my greatest friends ever- I am grateful for the friends I still have- that care and listen as I go through this.

thank you.


The Wright Stuff said...

I LOVE that picture of your mom! Absolutely PRICELESS! It captures her personality and pure love perfectly!!! I love you April.

Mothership said...

Oh, crap!! I know how much comments on blog posts and those "I read your blog" conversations mean and now I feel like a lug. (I don't know what a lug is or if it is even a word, but it feels right.) I was going to comment on your post yesterday about your little dreamer. I was holding my baby and it is hard to type with one hand, so I didn't. Crap!

I'll do better.(:

Marne said...

Oh April I am such a slacker sometimes...forgive me...I hope you have a better day tomorrow. I am glad you have such caring friends and you

Heather said...

I'm sorry to hear about you missing your mom. I don't look forward to that day one bit. Right after I read your post, my husband and I watched Julie Beck's talk here:,5232,23-1-947-34,00.html

and i thought of you when she talked about her mother's wisdom and counsel. We all need each other don't we! May tomorrow be a brighter day!

Elissa said...

Oh April, even though we're not going through the same things, I find myself doing exactly what you described--staying busy until I disintegrate in the next moment. You should talk about it as much as you want. I really think that's how we heal. Call me anytime you want--or come visit, ok?

Oh and that picture of your mom--I can see a real resemblance to Kenzie and you. What a great mom you have!

Tami said...

April everytime I read your blog about your mom, I'm just taken back by what an amazing women she is!! I loved just visiting with her the few times I saw her because she was always so positive and uplifting...and what a great grandma she was. Wow - I want to be like her when I'm a grandma. She really knew how to care for her grandkids and of course kids. I need to call you more often and talk to you! You are so strong and have been through so much lately!

Delia D'Nell said...

Oh April, I love to read your blog and hear honest feelings. Life isn't always happy and it is nice to know that others aren't perfectly happy all the time. Knowing this kind of validates me not being perfect all the time.

I can't imagine losing my mom. It seems so hard. But I do know that grief is like a friend who likes to hide around the corner and jump out and scare you when you are not expecting it. How rude of it!

I think you are just great!

Joell said...

I miss her too, especially at Church. Doesn't this little poem contain a big truth (change the prounouns)?

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every land;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thought abide!

There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,--so with his memory they brim!
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him!

--Edna St. Vincent Millay

Bev said...

What a sweet mom. I love to hear you write about her and talk about her. Many times I wished we had lived closer so I could have rubbed shoulders with her more often. I am grateful for the times I was in her presence. Our family is blessed by you April and your family. I love you. I am grateful that we will be able to see her and be with her again. Knowing that families are eternal makes me realize how our Father in Heaven really loves each of us and makes it all worth it!