Thursday, April 30, 2009

where are you going April?

(I am in the process of making my blog into a book...a book just for me, so I don't expect you to delve into the long posts...this is a journal entry more than anything.)

Where is the month of April going? Come back! I'm not done reclaiming April in April.

May....hmmm...I can always continue....Makeover May...yes Makeover May

ok so the rundown on the reclaiming April in April ordeal

I have been a complete mess since Mom died.

I am very good at hiding it, unless you're Chay, unless you're around at 2 in the morning and my pillow is wet from 3 hours of crying...

Can I blame it all from Mom being gone? Not really. My tears and discouragement aren't always motivated by Mom's death- I mostly just feel out of touch with reality, anxious, overwhelmed, inadequate, disappointing...but it all seemed to boil over into a heap of yuck right around the time I said my last goodbyes to Mom. Something literally changed inside me when I saw Mom lifeless and mom-less on her hospice bed. It wasn't like this big snap...but more like a dull wearing away at my soul, my love for life, my happiness. Don't get all freaked out, I still come across as the usual "April" and I don't slit my wrists..for attention lol... It's all good. I'm still cool and fun. LOL. Just writing out how I feel sometimes.

We all have bad moments. Behind closed doors and the walls of our home, I believe many, if not most of us have the breakdowns, the give-ups, the lazy unmotivated days where we can't seem to grasp any more concept of life here on earth- but those feelings usually only last a couple days and on we go...fighting and enjoying life. I, however, have had those bad moment feelings for awhile, and I haven't been able to kick it very well. It is more of a battle inside and only evident to those very very close to me...and I usually cope well with... bread and long afternoon naps- which in the end only makes me more discouraged because now I have gained weight, my body aches, and I have wasted hours that could have been spent doing a lot more productive things...

I'm not really sure what is going on. But whatever it is, deep down I believe I still have a choice.

Even though the choice is the hardest thing I have ever done. I also believe deep down that the Atonement can work a miracle in my life. I just somehow do.

Even though I feel so incredibly sorry for myself, and can't seem to make more than the slightest effort to change, and even getting angry with Heavenly Father for taking Mom, and for not always enjoying the challenge of being a mother and wife while being stuck inside a house all day- even with all these feelings, I believe somehow (with the angels' help) that I am deeply loved by my Creator and that the Savior cares about me. Me. April. Me.

It is like I have a concourse of unseen support surrounding me, just waiting, just hoping, for me to get up and get on with this beautiful life. Every time I get angry at how far away Mom feels, I instantly feel her near. She won't even let me doubt for longer than a minute. And then in my prideful thoughts I think, "get away Mom, I'm trying to make a point and feel sorry for myself here"

and maybe just maybe...all this I am experiencing is life at it's fullest.

I have tried since October to get a grip on life. The long winter was just annoying. Wasn't it?

So I started the whole reclaiming April in April thing- which was more of an open ended prayer...hoping with my little attempts, God would take over. I was inviting change...and I am starting to feel a little better...ever since I told Heavenly Father, "I can't do this anymore, I am disrupting my own life, my husband's, my children's- I am losing opportunities to serve others while I drown in self pity...I am having a hard time even liking myself because everything discourages me...I can't do it...take over please."

Life isn't suddenly bubble gum and Lolly pops, but I am starting to feel somewhat alive again...something is sort of stirring together...hope...nothing noticeable on the outside...but inside there is finally sunshine outside...which really helps.

listen, I truly believe in miracles- I believe that our very own thoughts can change. The atonement can take our most precious prideful possessions and throw them away. It seems impossible because we have certain weaknesses about us that seem to make up who we are- it's like we can't live without some of our sins because we wouldn't know what to do next in life without them. We use them as a tool of survival.

Eating too much, not being able to forgive ourselves and others, talking bad about people, feeling sorry for ourselves, judging others, watching too much TV, spending too much time on the Internet, wasting time in general, being too busy and overloading life with "to-do" lists, criticizing others, putting down others, complaining, being negative, disrespecting the body...all these are manifestations of people just trying to survive...and when anyone is just trying to survive, we should have compassion for them, regardless, because we are all trying to fill that hole...which only the Savior can fill. It is the "whole vs. hole" that we are all trying to figure out on some level...because we are mortal...but I believe that we can overcome our trials feeling "whole" through the Christ.

anyway, so that is a little explaining on why I wanted to do some reclaiming...and that maybe I could possibly turn the vicious cycle I'm treading into something beautiful and plentiful...finding that which was once lost. I remember my basketball coach saying once, "turn your anger into performance"...

I remember right after Mom died I wanted nothing more than to be strong and pure so I could honor her...but then everything kind of fizzled out as reality set in. "I can't talk to my mom. she is gone. I want to talk to her so bad." And then every part of my life started to hurt, not just her being gone- it was like it affected the whole life package...anyone out there relate? Isn't it amazing what effect one person and their death can do to someone? This has been so huge to me...nothing has been this hard in my life- and I have been through a lot of poopy stuff...I really really miss Mom.

so since the month of April is over...May is always nice. I have hopes to have more meaningful prayers and scripture study. A temple visit or two and to start revitalizing this body of mine...get it strong again.

Makeover May here I come...


Heather said...

I rather liked your book. :) that last quote does sum things up with life.

I read Nie-Nie's sister's blog and after dealing with this huge tragedy, she's finally to the point where she wants to find her 'spice'... basically her pizazz for life again - the joy part - the getting back to normal part, only it's a different normal for her now.

I think your thoughts are focused in the right place - with Christ - and you can reclaim April!!! I really agree that even though we have the choice - it still is hard sometimes to make it happen like we deep-down want or know we need. I hope Makeover may brings good things!!

The Wright Stuff said...

April showers bring May flowers! ;)

I love you so much April! You are a truly amazing person. I miss you sooo much! You have touched my life in so many ways, I don't even know where to begin! My heart aches for you... I can't imagine the feelings that you have been having... I so wish we lived nearer to each other. We could have dance parties and playtimes with the kids everyday! We would have such a good time! :) I'll just keep dreaming, I guess! ;)

Hang in there... I love you.

Tami said...

Oh April I can't even imagine the pain and hurt you feel from losing your mom. Maybe a Priesthood blessing from Chay would also help I ran into your friend from Spokane, Stephanie, yesterday while getting a new drivers license. She asked how you were doing and I gave her your address so she is going to send you a wedding invite. She told me how wonderful your mom was and how she was really sorry to hear of her passing away.

Dallmann's said...

april i know you don't know me, but as an outsiders perspective what you are going through is a big case of depression and you can get help for that to help you refocus and take back control. its only temporary and you will start to feel better and happier. thats just my opinnion though. i hope things get better for you.
p.s. i'm an old friend of tami's

April said...

Dallmann's? Is your first name Heather...yes it is, I just clicked on your blog to make sure- is that your little guy?

Heather, I know it is depression. clearly. I just have a completely different perception of depression than most...although I do believe there are many cases where it is chemical and people live with it their whole lives-

but for me, as crazy as it sounds, I choose to just kind of soak it all up, take it as a gift, a journey I must take to discover the why's, the how's, the faith I need to conquer...

If I was in a constant dark hole I would consider medication, but I have far too many good days, far too many moments of pure happiness and hope to take the medication route-

I took a series of classes at college that gave me a whole new idea of depression- that it might be a good thing- an invitation to soul seek, depend on the Lord more, to help others who go through it, to be strengthen because I went through it and became stronger because of it.

I have a very interesting opinion about pain and how essential it is to feel it...I have my babies natural...I know, crazy, but it is just something I feel I should go through as a mother...and I have never regretted it- (I almost regretted it after my first) but each time it has turned into a beautiful experience- I like to feel every part of life...well I don't "like" to feel every part of life- I just believe that feeling every part of life teaches me the most.

Writing about how I feel, is just one way for me to figure things is healthy for me...and I could care less if it is on some blog for everyone to read- I have always been an open book...I figure I will relate to someone out there...who knows?

thank you for being is a beautiful day outside...a lot to be grateful for.

Delia D'Nell said...

The best part of being friends with Chay is you. You are so courageous and such an inspiration. I cried when I read this post. I have often lately had similar feelings. I want to write them, I want to share them, I want to shout from the rooftops that it is okay to struggle. Thank you for actually doing it.

I love reading your blog, I like how "real" it is. It's isn't always happy and pretty...and that's the best part.

Thank you for sharing yourself.

Marie said...

I like that quote. I'm going to borrow it. I had fun with my blog book. Next one, though will have lots more pictures and they will be bigger...that's what people want to flip through and look at the script is mostly for me.

Dallmann's said...

April, applause to you. You seem strong and you'll get through it.