(I am in the process of making my blog into a book...a book just for me, so I don't expect you to delve into the long posts...this is a journal entry more than anything.)
Where is the month of April going? Come back! I'm not done reclaiming April in April.
May....hmmm...I can always continue....Makeover May...yes Makeover May
ok so the rundown on the reclaiming April in April ordeal
I have been a complete mess since Mom died.
I am very good at hiding it, unless you're Chay, unless you're around at 2 in the morning and my pillow is wet from 3 hours of crying...
Can I blame it all from Mom being gone? Not really. My tears and discouragement aren't always motivated by Mom's death- I mostly just feel out of touch with reality, anxious, overwhelmed, inadequate, disappointing...but it all seemed to boil over into a heap of yuck right around the time I said my last goodbyes to Mom. Something literally changed inside me when I saw Mom lifeless and mom-less on her hospice bed. It wasn't like this big snap...but more like a dull wearing away at my soul, my love for life, my happiness. Don't get all freaked out, I still come across as the usual "April" and I don't slit my wrists..for attention lol... It's all good. I'm still cool and fun. LOL. Just writing out how I feel sometimes.
We all have bad moments. Behind closed doors and the walls of our home, I believe many, if not most of us have the breakdowns, the give-ups, the lazy unmotivated days where we can't seem to grasp any more concept of life here on earth- but those feelings usually only last a couple days and on we go...fighting and enjoying life. I, however, have had those bad moment feelings for awhile, and I haven't been able to kick it very well. It is more of a battle inside and only evident to those very very close to me...and I usually cope well with... bread and long afternoon naps- which in the end only makes me more discouraged because now I have gained weight, my body aches, and I have wasted hours that could have been spent doing a lot more productive things...
I'm not really sure what is going on. But whatever it is, deep down I believe I still have a choice.
Even though the choice is the hardest thing I have ever done. I also believe deep down that the Atonement can work a miracle in my life. I just somehow do.
Even though I feel so incredibly sorry for myself, and can't seem to make more than the slightest effort to change, and even getting angry with Heavenly Father for taking Mom, and for not always enjoying the challenge of being a mother and wife while being stuck inside a house all day- even with all these feelings, I believe somehow (with the angels' help) that I am deeply loved by my Creator and that the Savior cares about me. Me. April. Me.
It is like I have a concourse of unseen support surrounding me, just waiting, just hoping, for me to get up and get on with this beautiful life. Every time I get angry at how far away Mom feels, I instantly feel her near. She won't even let me doubt for longer than a minute. And then in my prideful thoughts I think, "get away Mom, I'm trying to make a point and feel sorry for myself here"...lol.
and maybe just maybe...all this I am experiencing is life at it's fullest.
I have tried since October to get a grip on life. The long winter was just annoying. Wasn't it?
So I started the whole reclaiming April in April thing- which was more of an open ended prayer...hoping with my little attempts, God would take over. I was inviting change...and I am starting to feel a little better...ever since I told Heavenly Father, "I can't do this anymore, I am disrupting my own life, my husband's, my children's- I am losing opportunities to serve others while I drown in self pity...I am having a hard time even liking myself because everything discourages me...I can't do it...take over please."
Life isn't suddenly bubble gum and Lolly pops, but I am starting to feel somewhat alive again...something is sort of stirring together...hope...nothing noticeable on the outside...but inside mostly...plus there is finally sunshine outside...which really helps.
listen, I truly believe in miracles- I believe that our very own thoughts can change. The atonement can take our most precious prideful possessions and throw them away. It seems impossible because we have certain weaknesses about us that seem to make up who we are- it's like we can't live without some of our sins because we wouldn't know what to do next in life without them. We use them as a tool of survival.
Eating too much, not being able to forgive ourselves and others, talking bad about people, feeling sorry for ourselves, judging others, watching too much TV, spending too much time on the Internet, wasting time in general, being too busy and overloading life with "to-do" lists, criticizing others, putting down others, complaining, being negative, disrespecting the body...all these are manifestations of people just trying to survive...and when anyone is just trying to survive, we should have compassion for them, regardless, because we are all trying to fill that hole...which only the Savior can fill. It is the "whole vs. hole" that we are all trying to figure out on some level...because we are mortal...but I believe that we can overcome our trials feeling "whole" through the Christ.
anyway, so that is a little explaining on why I wanted to do some reclaiming...and that maybe I could possibly turn the vicious cycle I'm treading into something beautiful and plentiful...finding that which was once lost. I remember my basketball coach saying once, "turn your anger into performance"...
I remember right after Mom died I wanted nothing more than to be strong and pure so I could honor her...but then everything kind of fizzled out as reality set in. "I can't talk to my mom. she is gone. I want to talk to her so bad." And then every part of my life started to hurt, not just her being gone- it was like it affected the whole life package...anyone out there relate? Isn't it amazing what effect one person and their death can do to someone? This has been so huge to me...nothing has been this hard in my life- and I have been through a lot of poopy stuff...I really really miss Mom.
so since the month of April is over...May is always nice. I have hopes to have more meaningful prayers and scripture study. A temple visit or two and to start revitalizing this body of mine...get it strong again.
Makeover May here I come...