about me

ok so I was supposedly tagged by Marne- cyber tagged- didn't know there was such a thing...but I guess I'm it. I was tagged to share some little known facts about me...it was fun in the making.

1. ok I love to throw things away...it is weird but just cleaning out the fridge or a closet and just chucking things out left and right can give me the biggest adrenalin rush- I love to dejunk even though I am still messy- someday...someday

2. I hate large spaces. I do not really like the ocean. It is too big for me. It is pretty and all but just so massive that I almost feel uncomfortable instead of relaxed like most when on the beach. I used to have nightmares that I was in a huge wheat field where all I could see was wheat for miles- as far as the eyes could see in every direction- with no mountains, no cars, no streets- oh that just overwhelms me. I like borders, limits, edges, boundaries, mountain ranges.

3. I like to read the tabloids. I just get fascinated with famous people and their gossip- isn't that retarded? although I have never bought a people magazine or what have you- but I will admit I like to read them while waiting in line at the grocery store. I guess I get interested in lifestyles completely different than my own...

4. I love to eat...but I am not a junk food junky for the most part although lately I have been- that is a different story- but I just absolutely love to eat healthy- it is not hard for me to eat like we should- it is just expensive and time consuming but I get so dang excited when I have peas, brown rice, chicken, almonds, fish, tons of vegetables, garlic and onions all lathered on top of a pile of romaine lettuce. It is like my body says a big thank you because I feel good and it tastes soooo good to me.

5. I crave functionality. I love house plans- I love to look at them and see if they are practical and functional. When my companion sprained her ankle on my mission we had to sit in our house for 2 weeks. I designed the perfect house plan. It was so fun. I should have been an architech- I don't think I could pass the math. I feel so out of whack if I don't have function- that is probably why I am so out of whack- I can't seem to get things down to a system- but I crave it nonetheless-I hate clutter-unless it's books. Chay thinks it is weird how I put away the toaster everyday. I don't like any kitchen appliance on my counter tops.

5. Pet Peeves: Pen marks on skin- so if you have a pen and not paper do not write a phone number on your hand when I am around. I cringe. I hate it. I hate touching retail store dressing room tags- especially at Ross- they are slimy and so used yuck-I hate being home alone but I like being alone at home- As long as Chay is somewhere in the house. But I like my space- I hate going barefoot- or shoeless. I can't stand it when little particles of somethings stick to my feet. I don't like it when I am talking to someone and there is someone in the room with a louder voice than me- I can't concentrate. Iceberg lettuce in salads, loose hairs on the shower wall or floor of bathroom- oh sick, being late, kids crying, Kenzie waking up early from nap...

6. I like Trivia, facts, the news, history, taking tests (not math), crosswords- I'm horrible, peach crisp (with oats)...and owen wilson- know one can make me laugh more. ok there you go

Joette- I triple dog tag you...

her visit

we miss gamma already...

Kenzie went downstairs today and looked for grandma. I guess she didn't understand the whole airport thing today- she was so upset that her shoe fell off in the car that she didn't grasp the concept that grandma was going back home.

My mom is alive to teach me many things. She pretends she doesn't have cancer but her body reminds her otherwise. She helped me so much these past 2 weeks. She got me motivated to organize and dejunk a little. She didn't think she was doing much because she didn't manhandle everything but I kept telling her that watching the kids for me while I worked was the biggest help of all- don't you mothers out there agree? She did my laundry and dishes- and even cleaned my bathroom.

My mom loves my children. She sings to them, plays with them, baths them- and even disciplines them-

It is amazing how we have choice. My mom gets discouraged- this I know- but she is still a fighter- filled with love, hope, and charity. She just doesn't give up. Whenever I spend time with her I am reminded of her incredible faith and how I have so much to be grateful for. I am thankful for her visit.

ju ju & kenzie

BubbleShare: Share photos - Here comes Halloween!

halloween

People can be just... so disconnected sometimes. This holiday is just down right freaky. I can deal with pumpkins, hay bails, and dress up- but when your neighbor has a 10 foot Grim Reaper on his roof with his 15 foot scythe in hand you know there's got to be something wrong.

It was at Smith's grocery store that really did it for me- about a month and half ago we made a trip to Smith's to get milk or something. I parked our grocery cart in front of the cashier stands so I could dig through my diaper bag. I was in search of my wallet or a coupon I can't remember but...I noticed Kenzie was staring without a blink at this Halloween decoration which was a life size fake man sitting on a pile of candy with his eyes tightly shut. Kenzie was studying him out wondering if the man was real or not. She leaned in closely when suddenly the man's eyes pop open- and if that's not bad enough- he then goes about to rip his head off his shoulders- Happy Halloween oh my gosh!- Kenzie turned white and didn't say a word and then three seconds later turned beet red and just screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed. Huge tears dripped down her cheeks as she covered her eyes with her small hands. She demanded me with open arms to get her out of that shopping cart and hold her tightly. Which I did of course. I held her with all my might and kept saying, "I know Halloween is insane, that was just freaky, I'm here for you Kenz" After we got in the car she went silent for once after crying for a good 15 minutes. She then didn't say a word or make a peep for 2 hours afterwards. I was worried sick about her. That night Chay gave her a blessing of comfort.

If it is scary to children then maybe it should be for us too. Put it all away please. Take down your ridiculous mummy's and skeletons in your front yards, your machetes, axes, bloody swords, Grim Reapers, and your bloody tombstones- I don't like it and either does my daughter.

People just turn numb and become so stupid this time of the year. Now imagine me saying this instead of just reading this- with my eyes open wide "People are insane during Halloween!"

Today we drove through a beautiful well kept neighborhood. It was enjoyable to say the least because of the Fall colors and such but then it was all ruined when we drove past a house that had a mummy in the front yard stabbing something dead under a bloody sheet. I immediately thought "Is that honestly a Halloween decoration? Did someone actually take the time to set this up in their front yard as a way to celebrate? Is this for real?" It was worse than watching CSI. I bet that is where they got the idea. It is like once a year Halloween gives people the permission to be literally messed up. I mean do people actually giggle and sing songs when they are draping dismembered body parts all over their trees? Do they reminice about fond memories when they are setting up "Headless Harry" with an ax stabbed through his heart? a little quirky I'd say-

Love casteth out all fear- If you crave being scared or crave scaring others than maybe you should question yourself...because if love casteth out all fear than fear must cast out all love....don't want to go there.

So besides the scary icky stuff, teeth rotting insulin sky rocketing from candy overload, the ok on girls dressing immodestly because it is part of their so-called "costume", the wasted money spent on costumes and candy, and the ridiculously horrid haunted houses... Halloween could be ok I guess if you feel like carving a pumpkin or two and dunking for an apple...but honestly it is one holiday we can all do away with.

tonight

Tonight I went to our stake center for a leadership meeting. A little girl opened the front door for me. Sounds of basketballs bouncing on the gym floor and kids running up and down the halls really made it a pleasant experience for me. I walk down the hall and pass a room where several young women were sitting together. The leader of the girls had just stood up in front of them and said, "welcome to young women's" I just smiled as I kept walking and searching for my meeting.

Sometimes the simplest things touch me the greatest...like walking through the halls of our stake center tonight. The building was full and busy- with almost every room filled with saints who were taking a little refuge break from the storm on a Wednesday night. It was a good place to be- I feel grateful.

my gifts

So I turned 28 on Saturday...another year has flown by.

Birthdays are great invitations to reflect life. I am a reflector. Can you tell? It is a gift. One of my many gifts.

So Joette got me amazing Chacos- I recommend them to everyone. Sandals that feel like running shoes. Chay surprised me with a flip down TV/CD/DVD player for the kitchen. He also framed Kenzie and Julia's hand prints- it was quite the struggle to convince Kenzie to put her hand into the tile grout and Julia is still so small she didn't want to open her hand up all the way- but that is what I love so dearly about the messy hand prints--Chay's loving effort to make it special for me. He also made me a CD of Regina - a new artist I discovered. thank you Chay. Jill made me lunch, many cards, phone calls of course, Tara made me a clock, Tami babysat, Emily got me the coolest dang measuring cups in the world, mom and dad are driving down to see me!.....thank you- I feel valued and special in people's lives.

Great gifts.

Now a gift to me from me...valuing myself.


I am trying to dive into a self actualization authentication realization phase in my life- I am searching for myself as I give and serve my life away to my family. I am wanting an overnight change. I am a true victim of instant gratification- it is chiseled into my personality and it is hard to smooth out- but I am learning slowly I suppose the simple yet difficult concept of how with "small things great things come to pass"- I have to tell myself out loud, "April, small steps...simplify...watch out don't get overwhelmed" I know there is so much for me to receive out there- more happiness, knowledge, accomplished goals, peace- I just have to take one day at a time and do the best I can.

So for my birthday I decided to reflect on my gifts as a way of inviting the spirit and being grateful to my Heavenly Father for who I am--what I am made of. I am also grateful for my faults for they too are invites to change and grow- but I dwell on those far too often and they get me down far too much so maybe later....

My gifts:

my imagination
play my feelings out on the piano
writing
analytical and critical thinker
singing
touching and holding my children often
speaking and giving talks
feel for others- words of comfort
creativity
passion for music, gospel, people, nature, children, art, truth

many more I am sure...but these seem to be pretty evident to me right now.

happy birthday to me

backyard bliss

Our little backyard makes me smile. There are some advantages to living in an old neighborhood...the trees are huge and tall and of course the virginia vines on every fence. The leaves are starting to turn red and fall.- Fall always reminds me of change and preparedness for a new time in life...so it inspires me to keep positive and to keep looking forward.

Nothing is better than watching Kenzie just enjoy simpleness. Childhood is grand you know? This summer she went out to the backyard one morning to play in the dirt and so I followed her...wanting to feel what a child feels...to discover and smile...and it wasn't long before I was running through the sprinklers and enjoying the sun. thank you mckenzie....thank you


bubbleshare: Share photos - Halloween contest

expiration

I think the renewal is starting to expire...

Isn't it funny how conference doesn't change you permanently? I know this from experience and from dwelling on how righteous change occurs in my life.

I felt so good this weekend after feeling the spirit for 2 days in a row but I knew the feeling would only last so long and I would return to my old self again. When I hear the choir sing or hear Elder Eyring get emotional I hear myself saying, "I want to feel like this forever...my family is the most important thing in the world to me...I never want to get upset again at Chay or Kenzie...I'm going visiting teaching tomorrow" Do you think this way when you hear conference? Everything seems so surreal...like I am floating on a cloud when I listen to conference. But then the TV gets turned off and a kid starts to whine or whatever and then...well real life sets in again and of course because of the spirit I am gentle and loving to the whole family...for about a day...and then I start to lose that feeling...anyone relate?

I thought to myself "maybe I will take favorite quotes from conference and have Kinko's print them out on 5 feet by 3 feet card stock and I will post them on every door and wall of my house...or maybe I should just buy the conference cd's and have them play all day long...then I will remember the feeling I had at conference" not very reasonable I know...

It is the Savior who can literally change us. Obviously there are a million things out there that help aid our faith and growth like general conference...but it is Him who makes the real change- who can make the change last...the great atonement. Thank goodness we have conference as an invite to discover Christ in our lives-

Well it is worth contemplating and praying about...a lot of growing and knowing to do.

the renewal

Nothing seems to be more refreshing than conference weekend.

I remember the days growing up- we would dress up and head to the stake center for the day. We would pack a lunch and eat with the rest of the stake who didn't have the privilege of cable in their home. Of course I complained during the long talks as we sat in the dark chapel for 20 hours it seemed. I always fell asleep on my mom's lap and I still have sweet memories of her putting down her notepad full of conference notes and playing with my hair and scratching my back. thanks mom

now I can just stumble down the stairs in my pj's with a bowl of popcorn...I feel a tiny ounce of guilt for some reason not being all dressed up. I do however stand up off my couch when the congregation sings...I love General Conference. It is habit for some to get something to eat or make a phone call during the songs but that is so not allowed if you're watching conference with my mom...we just all sit with her and stare at the television screen and let the music touch our hearts...so rule #1 with me too...don't talk when the choir sings-

Conference touches my soul, it renews my spirit, it gives me hope, life makes sense once again...I can't wait. I can't wait to hear the choir...oh how I love the choir. Don't you? I am very connected to music. If I need to feel the Savior's love- I turn on the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and I swear heaven is so close.

Elder Faust will be missed. Some quotes of his that give me strength:


"Each of us needs to reach down into the innermost recesses of our souls to find the divinity that is deep within us and to earnestly petition the Lord for an endowment of special wisdom and inspiration. Only when we so profoundly reach the depths of our beings we can discover our true identity, our self worth, and our purpose in life" April 1995-

"Only as we seek to be purged of selfishness and of concern for recognition and wealth can we find some sweet relief from anxieties, hurts, pains, miseries, and concerns of this world...God can not only help us find a sublime and everlasting joy and contentment, but he will change us so that we can become heirs of the kingdom of God. This is really the recovery of the sacred within us." April 1995- same talk

"Since our own feelings are sacred to us and cannot be disputed by others, let us begin with those quiet assurances which occasionally can come to all of us and which we know are true. We cannot always prove these verities to others, yet they come as a form of knowing." November 1976

I cried through Elder's Faust's funeral. They weren't tears of sadness but just tears of knowing this man was holy and pure.

Conference shoves me back on track quickly. All of the sudden I can see the big picture- I suddenly don't feel the urge to buy new things or feel sorry for myself- I just want to live- live fully- happy and loving- to enjoy simple things and to become closer to Heavenly Father and Christ.

Tell me what you learned from conference...I want to hear...I want to enjoy it together.

let your life speak

...it's an old Quaker saying and also the title of a book I have read and still read here and there. It's the kind of book you can open in the middle, beginning or the end and still learn something...so yes...let your life speak.

It's more of an invitation- not so much my life motto- not yet.

It means to live authentically- to find your center, embrace your values and truth, to be who you are regardless of who you're with or where you are...this is what the Quakers intended with the saying...and I hope I do the same...with time.

Have you ever seen "Runaway Bride"? Well it is a simple movie and definitely not one of my favorites- but there is a scene in that movie that I always play over and over in my head- it is when Julia Roberts (I don't remember her screen name) is trying to decide how she likes her eggs. It was made known to her that her favorite type of eggs changed depending on what situation she was in or who she was with. I feel this way sometimes about myself. I mean I'm not that completely lost...I like my eggs scrambled for all those you might get a little concerned...but at times I feel like I am sort of floating when I should be grounded. Does that make sense?

well so I sojourn...

Many of you suggested titles for my blog that related somewhat to family and being a mother...well of course- of course- these experiences are teaching me more about life than I will ever know- but I wanted to somehow separate myself from "mommy" and make the title more meaningful for me- anyway...

Here is an excerpt from the book:

"Then I ran across the old Quaker saying, 'Let your life speak.' I found those words encouraging, and I thought I understood what they meant: 'Let the highest truths and values guide you. Live up to those demanding standards in everything you do.' Because I had heroes at the time who seemed to be doing exactly that, this exhortation had incarnate meaning for me--it meant living a life like that of Martin Luther King Jr. or Rosa Parks or Mahatma Gandhi or Dorothy Day, a life of high purpose.

"So I lined up the loftiest ideals I could find and set out to achieve them. The results were rarely admirable, often laughable, and sometimes grotesque. But always they were unreal, a distortion of my true self--as must be the case when one lives from the outside in, not the inside out. I had simply found a "noble" way to live a life that was not my own, a life spent imitating heroes instead of listening to my heart.

"Today, some thirty years later, 'Let your life speak' means something else to me, a meaning faithful both to the ambiguity of those words and to the complexity of my own experience: 'Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you.'" ~Parker J. Palmer

personality test

a little creepy...those who know me just might say this is exactly me...even though I wish I was different in some aspects- I wish I was more outgoing...and less sensitive but I am what I am I suppose...thanks Marne for the link-

here are the results of a personality test I took online...take the test...and post the results- I would love to see them.

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

What's Your Personality Type?

under construction

thank you for all your comments and ideas on my title...I am still working on it...although it's close...life has been quite interesting lately. Kenzie has been a different child...grouchy, naughty, mean...Julia is worse than ever...I think it is because of the antibiotics I am on...oh yeah...mastitis. I just can't seem to get anything done. Marne...how do you write on two blogs daily with three kids? You amaze me...kenzie just screams and pulls everything off the desk when I am on the computer...

untitled

ok so who thinks I need a new title for my blog? I do. Believe it or not but "untitled" is my title- it isn't a default on my template...It was supposed to be a temporary title until I felt that overwhelming impression to name it something else...but it never came. Any suggestions? Go ahead and give me your ideas...maybe the winner will get a prize...you can sign it anonymous if you want...but then you wouldn't get a prize if you win...but it's fun nonetheless...

maybe if I have a title- my blog will have more direction for me...more meaning. Who knows...

chay said:

"Let me just tell the whole "blog world" that my wife is the greatest. Just to give you an idea....picture a "super mom"...now multiply that by at least 300...Now you have a glimpse of how awesome my wife is. Raising 2 girls and a husband takes a very very special lady. Lucky me...that lady is my wife. I love you April."

8:21 AM

A comment on my blog that well you know...made my day...

ju ju

We were trying to teach Mckenzie how to say Julia's name the other day...so far she only calls her "baby"- well in all our efforts to teach Kenzie her new sister's name out came a cute "ju ju"

Well Julia is somewhat better I think...depending on the day. But overall I would say she cries a little less. I found a website www.babycolic.com and the advice seemed to help a little. She actually has moments now when she is awake and not crying. Little steps...I am just looking forward to the day when she isn't in pain anymore and we can just have a normal day. She is a joy nonetheless- with her big infected eyes staring up at me reminding me she is innocent and pure.

Here is a little video of her for you to enjoy- I swear I see a little smile- but knowing her it is probably gas.

can't resist

So my sister sent me post partum post cards.

One of the many reasons why I miss my family so much
-our humor...and we just understand each other you know?

thanks Joette -

this is my favorite one- all I could say was "amen"

prayer

Julia has colic. It is breaking my heart, breaking my sanity, breaking...already broken.

She cries and cries.

and cries.

Her belly aches. We go through 15-20 diapers a day. She is gassy and passes gas all day which means her diapers have little streaks of poop which if I don't catch quick enough gives her a horrible rash. I have tried 4 different ointments and have finally found one that works with her skin. Still she cries, screams, turns red, tears...

The days are long but the weeks go fast. I was telling Chay this and we both said almost in perfect unison "just like the mission"

I have divided myself down the middle with the idea of having more children now. It is either we are done or I can handle any baby after Julia.

It was daring I know- to make a trip to Costco with Kenzie and Julia. Julia starts to scream. I take her out of the car seat and do all I can to calm her down. Kenzie gets restless and starts to whine a little. I push the big cart with one hand, hold Julia in the other, grab the big container of grapes- open it up and basically give Kenzie permission to go to town on the grapes just so I can deal with one crying baby at a time. Julia finally falls asleep. Of course the sampler lady who was sampling cheese wanted to see the baby. I told her I just got her to quit crying. You could tell she was lonely and hated her job. She wanted to have a full on conversation with me and I wasn't really in the mood. But being polite I joined in with small chat and then she told me about her son who had colic. She had all these great ideas for me to try- like drinking a glass of wine 10 minutes before I nurse. Her words, "it really calms the baby and the mother right down" I gave her an odd look and thought "perfect, just what I needed to hear" I grabbed a couple pieces of cheese for Kenzie and took off.

Well it is Sunday and I am home. Mckenzie is sick with a cold and so Julia is all plugged up now. Kenzie's teeth are coming in. I just didn't want to deal with a sick tired toddler (church is right during nap time, 11:00) and a crying baby today. But last night I had decided I was going to bear my testimony today at church and here I am at home- so maybe I will blog my testimony. Blog my testimony- welcome to the evolution of gospel sharing through advancements of technology- who would ever imagine such a thing-

anyway- I pray literally 50 times a day. Every time I feed Julia, every time I burp her, every time I change her, when she cries, when Mckenzie cries, when they cry together- and even though angels don't come out of the heavens to take over my chaotic life and help with my kids, I feel peace and I get through 5-10 minutes of hell without punching a hole through the wall. Then when the 10 minutes of comfort is over I am down on my knees again. I am always just stopping right in the middle of something and praying. Kenzie hears me and she instantly folds her arms when I start to say "Heavenly Father" So she is either learning her mom is psycho or her mom loves Heavenly Father and trusts in Him so much that she will call upon Him anytime of the day. I'm sure it is a mixture of the two.

When I receive answers to prayer there aren't really any words to describe it. Spiritual communication is so often wordless- all I know is that my heart can be so full of pride and I can want so strongly for someone to feel sorry for me or that the world owes me a favor and then a simple prayer, which is hard to say when I am bitter- can somehow calm rage and discouragement. Does that make sense? Of course we know God is more powerful than the natural man- once we allow Him to be- but it's the allowing that can be so dang difficult. But the miracle of it all is the simple first step of submission is sometimes all we need and God will do the rest. I can pray and somehow feel light, at ease, and be so much more enduring than I was 5 minutes before I prayed.

the power of prayer-

Although I feel so much discouragement about Julia crying all day and although I cry with her too sometimes, I can feel my relationship with my Father growing. When I catch myself saying in my prayers, "Father I have done everything I can, I don't know what to do or how to handle this, please take over" then I know I am beginning to understand the atonement a little more and gaining a stronger testimony of the love my Father in Heaven has for me.

Sometimes it can be almost frustrating to grasp the magnitude of it all- the trials that tear us apart yet the encircling arms of the Lord's love all at the same time. You just want to say to the heavens "this isn't really fair, yet ok if this is what it takes...ok" It is bittersweet to go through a trial and know at the same time the Lord is shaping and molding you and preparing you for something far greater. Prayer really keeps trials in perspective.

tribute

to my mom

Some bad days...lately.

2 days after my mom left I felt my world was going to crumble.

I have too many tomatoes growing outside. Reluctant to do anything that requires work, I end up making the biggest bowl of salsa. It took a lot longer than I wanted it to and yet I was somewhat pleased with it knowing Chay would appreciate it...Kenzie opened the fridge and dumped the whole bowl over. It splattered all over my rug, up the island, and inside the cupboards. Now this is all happening when I am sleep deprived and dealing with Julia who has colic or something- she only stops crying when she's asleep or eating. I look at the salsa mess and just start to cry. I wipe it up with thoughts, "Is this what I came to earth for? To clean up salsa? To play dress up with dolls, to hold a crying baby all day, to get stretch marks, to make dinner, do dishes, to not talk to anyone for days on end?"

baby blues? Oh probably

Here I am feeling sorry for myself- feeling a little lost in the big moving world...I really don't know what I feel to be honest- which can be worse sometimes. I am just trying to grasp this whole life thing- Heavenly Father's plan for me, while I change diapers and bounce up and down on our bed all day holding Julia- trying to sooth her. I just want to ask, "what am I accomplishing here?" I always hear these inspirational quotes "Carpe Diem, make each day count, go for the gold, today is the first day of the rest of your life" you've all heard them a million times- yet to a mother with new little children these quotes can be quite discouraging. I mean honestly who feels they are reaching their potential when they are hazy all day from little sleep, wearing the same shirt for three days in a row, yelling at their toddler to stop drawing on books...it is hard to picture yourself all grand and glorious in this life for being a mom. I guess the world tells us we need to have a plaque on the wall, praise, showy talents, special knowledge to be of any worth...hmmmm

Tribute to my mother. Isn't it interesting how I feel this way about myself yet I look to my mother with the highest regards. I look at her in aw for the person she is and the life she is living. She too spent many days wiping up, cleaning up, sweeping up, chasing down after her children. She too had many long days where I am sure felt like nothing got accomplished besides surviving motherhood. Yet I honor and respect her- her life, her faith, her love has given me the perfect example to live by.

My mom is holding on to life. She is a fighter. She isn't trying to earn a huge degree or land a job she has always wanted before she dies- she isn't trying to feel good about herself by accomplishing something great in the world's eyes- she is just filling her life up with love. She listens, nurtures, and cares for her children. She isn't a fake grandma- she is the real deal. She actually cries when she says goodbye to Mckenzie and takes time to leave her notes and gifts. She is searching constantly for guidance from the spirit. Her life is driven by faith and inspiration. She knows Heavenly Father loves her even though she is always in pain, always fatigued. My mom's last days will be spent in her flower garden, or painting a room, or fixing something in the garage, or preparing a lesson for church- she is a fighter because she chooses life despite what life chooses for her.

My mom came down to help me with the baby. She slept on a couch in the basement. She must have climbed those dreadful steep stairs 15 times a day. She cooked meals, did my laundry, painted rooms, painted trim- all with stage 4 cancer. She hardly complained. Even though she did many physical things for me- my most treasured part of her stay was when she would sit with me and listen to me talk and when she would be my support during the first horrid days of breastfeeding. I treasure seeing her spend time with Kenzie and giving Julia a bath. I treasure her prayers.

Motherhood. We are taking care of God's children. So...hmmm spending all day with little children, caring for them, hugging them, talking to them, cleaning up messes...can it possibly be the most important thing we can do for a human soul? Children must gain their concept of God by the way they are parented by their earthly parents...it only makes sense. So maybe I did come to earth to clean up spilled salsa. Being with Kenzie practically every waking moment of her life teaches her trust and confidence...singing nursery songs, holding a crying baby for hours, reading books, unloading the dishwasher, eating peanut butter and honey sandwiches together all might be pretty righteous works...some major building of the kingdom of God. We may one day see how these simple acts of love contributed to healthy development of the child and spiritual preparation for the mom in this life and the life hereafter. Yes sleepless nights, tried patience, yelling at our kids and asking them and the Lord for forgiveness, teaching our little ones how to pray and be reverent may not get a whole lot of recognition- but we are becoming Christ-like whether we realize it or not.

Well just an insight- easier to write about than to actually accept- the long days get to me you know? I am thankful for prayer.

first week

I sat in the rocking chair this morning, dazed, numb, in denial. I did not want to get up from that chair. I just wanted to sit there the entire day. I was holding Julia in one arm. I had just finished feeding her and I was letting my cracked, blistered nipple get some air- Kenzie was in my bedroom scattering clean clothes my mom just folded the night before all over the room.

I'm on day 12 with Julia. Even though things are tough they don't even compare to the first week home.

Postpartum. We really don't think much about it or even talk a whole lot about it. We all just get happy and smiley when we know someone had a brand new baby. Trust me-the week to serve is the first week after someone has a baby.

Exhausted, Dermaplast, lansinoh cream, Tucks, super maxi pads, engorgement, bleeding nipples, tired, ice packs, painful urination, tired, exhausted, emotions, sore muscles, achy hips, feedings every 2-3 hours, a toddler running around, hormones,...tired

The nurses at the hospital told me I was a nursing pro. They reassured me Julia was latched on perfectly. 3 days later Julia pukes up her feeding all over the floor and there was more blood than milk. I try pumping- the bottle filled up with blood. My nipples were coming off of my breast! At least it looked that way and felt that way.

I get very envious of those who don't have problems nursing. I had the same problem with Kenzie. Plus to complain even more- I have a broken breast due to surgery that Julia won't take because milk doesn't come out fast enough...talk about lopsided...oh brother

But I won't give up.

This too shall pass- it has to.

I guess these trials all bring us closer to Heavenly Father. Right when I want to go off about how unfair I have it- I am reminded of all the opportunities I have to call upon the Lord for help. When I was dilated to a 10 and going through severe contractions the midwife told me the combination of my swollen cervix and the position of the baby is preventing the birth to progress like it should. I immediately said with deep breaths, "Let's pray, Heavenly Father will help" My mom said a prayer and with the very next contraction the baby passed the cervix. The midwife smiled and said, "your baby just dropped a good 4 inches" Pain, trials, humility invites the needing of Heavenly Father. I say a prayer every time I breastfeed. I pray 20 times a night to get through the pain and discomfort.
I know Heavenly Father will help me. He already has a million times.

I can sense my faith is stronger than it used to be. I can feel myself wanting to get discouraged and feel depressed with all the changes- but there is that tiny ounce of strength, that little testimony deep down inside that tells me I can do this, the Lord will help me, my calling as mother is the highest calling I can obtain in the kingdom of God...these little reminders help keep me going, and get me off the rocking chair.

julia

Ok well she is here. Little Julia. Chay already calls her his jewels...which she is.
I arrived at the hospital around 4:30 Tuesday morning. My contractions were hard but spaced far apart which convinced me I wasn't very far along in labor. The nurse was quite surprised to find me dilated to an 8. After pacing the room a hundred times I decided to take advantage of the hot tub in the room. It was the best thing ever! No wonder they say water is nature's epidural. The midwife would put pressure on my back during each contraction- then she taught Chay how to do it. It was the best relief. After I got out of the hot tub, I had about 45 minutes of painful painful contractions and in 2 pushes Julia arrived. Oh what an amazing feeling to feel her pass through my body. In just 2 seconds the pain was gone. My eyes filled with tears. They placed her in my arms immediately after she was born. She was covered in blood. All I could say, "my baby, my little baby" They cleaned her, Chay cut the cord, sucked out her nose and mouth all while I held her. I couldn't believe her dark hair- so much of it. Our new little daughter so fresh from Heavenly Father...

Julia Kaye Clark is 20 1/2 inches long, weighed 8 lbs 3 oz and arrived to earth at 7:22 am August 8th 2007. Her middle name is my mom's middle name- in honor of Julia's strong faithful grandmother, Edie Kaye.

Postpartum is probably worse than natural child birth in its many different aspects- healing, breastfeeding, no sleep- but I don't feel like talking about that now...maybe later. But Julia is beautiful- she is peaceful, small, perfect- the spirit is strong in our home despite our little gruffs from being so entirely wasted.

Enjoy the small movie- it is kind of long- but I figured family members would just love it.







holding two



my new sister

labor

4 minutes apart

I can't sleep...too excited...too overwhelmed...hurts
No I don't have a crib set up...it is in pieces in the living room
My bedroom is full of Kenzie's furniture and clothes

Kenzie is sleeping in my bed right now. Her bedroom is non existent at the moment. I'm not sure what to do with her.

It is 11:36 at night...that means it will be a long night and it also means according to my cell phone clock...I will be having another contraction right about...now...ohhhhhh my strong strong....oh isn't this insane the pain we go through? ..... breathe....ok it's over not too bad....

Should I go to the hospital? I don't want to show up and have them tell me I am only dilated to 2.

I'm in labor.

Many prayers are running through my head.

what I needed

Well I was about to vent big time. I was going to complain about our ruined bathroom floor and not having a toilet nearby for 2 1/2 weeks, our water heater dying, Mckenzie coming down with the Herpangina virus that caused her to scream all day and wake up every 15 minutes at night, my house being in complete disarray because my parents and us decided to paint and fix up the girl's new room (which will be pretty cute) plus not sleeping well at night- all this just days before I am due....but then I get this email from Chay and well everything seems to be ok...I can handle anything...especially with Chay by my side and a few tears here and there to help release stress. This email is just what I needed.


Aprilicious,

Honey....I'm just sitting here at work doing my usual paperwork and listening to Chase's iPod. Firehouse's song from the early 90's "When I look into your Eyes" is playing and it just really made me think about all the good times and growth that we've shared together. Thanks for your love and always believing in me. I love you April. Go to the doctor today and get Kenzie looked at if she's not getting over her fever. I love you and I hope you enjoyed this random and cheesy email.

Chay

lost at lowes

I noticed I also have a blog entry titled "humbled at hardware store". I guess some of my life's greatest lessons are supposed to be learned where paint, sandpaper, and screwdrivers are sold. Who knew?

So the day was long...too long- my ankles were swollen along with my feet that seemed to be bursting the seams of my sandals. Chay and I had been walking up and down the aisles of Lowe's for about 2 hours filling our cart with the essentials of fixing a bathroom floor that was ruined from a leak...that in itself is worthy of a blog entry of its own...maybe later.

Nearing the end of our visit to Lowe's, we stopped in front of the cashiers and went over our list to make sure we didn't forget anything. At this time a man who kind of gave me the hiby jibbies stopped in front of our cart and laughed at Kenzie who was sitting on top of the toilet we were about to purchase. He then made this comment, "How much is the little girl? I would like to buy her if I could" Chay and I just pulled the courtesy laugh and didn't say much. Chay then remembered he needed something in plumbing. He took off towards the back of the store while we waited for him near the front. Kenzie became impatient and insisted she get down from the toilet. I let her down and she wondered behind a stack of boxes about 3 feet away from where I was standing. I couldn't see her but I figured she was playing with the plastic surrounding the boxes. After about a minute and half of not being able to see her and somewhat surprised she didn't come around the other side to check up on me like she usually does, I go and look behind the stack of boxes. I was about to say, "Come on Kenzie, let's go" but she wasn't there. I looked everywhere and she was no where to be found.

My heart started to pound as I searched up and down the aisles. I then began to scream Mckenzie's name. Each second that passed seemed like an hour. Chay heard me scream her name and he ran to the front of the store and told the employees. They locked the doors and within seconds there were about 6 employees looking for little Kenzie. There were about 10 customers who joined in for the search also.

Everyone kept asking me what she looks like. I just blurted out, "She is so cute...she has curly hair...light brown...very little...only 19 months old." Describing her made me so sad and frantic. I don't know if my brain is conditioned to handle trauma due to what I process from watching TV and movies, but I felt like I was in a movie almost- I just prayed to Heavenly Father "please help us find her, please don't give me this trial, oh protect her" I instantly thought of the creepy old man that wanted to buy her and my thoughts led me to be convinced that he had taken her. Five minutes had passed and she was still gone. I began to just crave her. The shock of it all was overbearing...I went into survival mode and began to think about her laugh, her smile, her kisses...her soft skin. I began to cry harder and more intense- tears started to make their way down my cheeks. I felt so empty and helpless. One employee kept reassuring me we would find her. I wanted to believe her but the tone of her voice reminded me too much of what you would hear in a movie...like she was saying to me what she was supposed to say to me in that kind of a situation...the whole experience was so surreal. Finally after 5-7 minutes of hell, we hear a voice several aisles down "we found her" oh those wonderful words- the best thing I have ever heard in my entire life. Again someone said, "here she is...we found her" I felt bursts of happiness surge through my whole body. I ran towards the voice and there she was, my little Kenzie playing with some wrenches she pulled off the shelf. I picked her up and just cherished the feel of her little body. I softly whispered over and over, "Thank you Heavenly Father, thank you" She understood something or she knew she was lost because she immediately hugged me back for a long time.

That was so horrible of an experience. Everything in my world flipped for 5 minutes. I was truly reminded of my dear love for my daughter.

Can you believe Heavenly Father loves us more than we love our children? I wonder what He must feel when we go astray and become lost. Does He ache like I did when I lost Mckenzie? When God revealed to Enoch how many of His children, the very "workmanship of His own hands" would disobey Him, God wept...

Imagine what Heavenly Father feels when we return to Him?

A really weird twist...but loosing Kenzie at Lowe's helped me realize my worth, my true divinity. I am a child of God.

at the beach

 

Sarah McLachlan and Josh Groban - In The Arms Of The Angel

ok...this is for Calie who is passionate about Josh and yet it is for me who loves Sarah...oh and for Marne...she is lucky enough to go to Josh's concert next month....so all you go ahead and sing along...two amazing singers.

month 9

sacrament meeting:

quiet toys, 4 ward bulletins and crayons, water cup and fishy's (GoldFish Crackers, Original Flavor) always seem to help keep little Mckenzie busy enough to not want to run up and down the aisles in the chapel. This last Sunday however it was Mom who made the embarrassing scene during Sacrament Meeting. It confirmed my overly passionate disliking of being 9 months pregnant.

Kenzie dropped a goldfish under the pew and instead of crawling under to get it, she did her little whine she often does when she wants something. Of course my goal is to keep her quiet and reverent so I quickly look for the runaway fishy. It was in a really awkward spot to reach for someone with the belly the size of mine. I stretched and reached but to no avail the fishy rescue was unsuccessful. My concluding thoughts were to just leave the dang cracker in its new place but the little whines kept getting louder as Kenzie persistently pointed to the fishy. I finally got on my hands and knees between the two pews and picked up the GoldFish. Mckenzie instantly resumed back to "happy content child" as she gulped down the cracker. I however found myself in quite the situation. Every time I attempted to get up off my knees and sit down on the bench...I would fail miserably. I was stuck.

Ok so of course I am kind enough to myself or prideful enough whichever of the two who knows- to immediately complain about the year the church was built and how the stupid pews were installed so close together...but the complaining didn't help me get unstuck and only caught Chay's attention. He looks down at me with this look of bewilderment, "What are you doing?" He asks me. "I was trying to get a fishy!" which made me look even stupider. "Get up" Chay insisted. "I can't," I was getting hot and embarrassed, "My butt is too big...I'm stuck" I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Mckenzie started to giggle thinking mom was trying to be funny. Chay gave me his hand and told me to move away from the hymn book holder which was sticking out from the front pew. It was out far enough to keep me from getting up. What seemed like forever but was probably only 45 seconds or so, I was freed from the tight space between the pews...it was just plain awkward. Why we decided to sit 2 rows from the front row that day I don't know...but I can just imagine who all saw the new fat pregnant girl get stuck between the pews.

I hate being 9 months pregnant. It is official. I only have 25 days left until due date arrives. Women are amazing for bearing children...

I am so tired, so worn out and exhausted...I just want to sleep and sleep but of course my bladder only let's me sleep for maybe 3 hours at a time. I can't even begin to explain how wiped out I feel. They say I'm a little anemic...but iron pills aren't really helping. Oh how I just want to drift away on a cloud with no aches or pains or Mckenzie to wake me up.

I just want to jump out of this huge tired body and run as fast as can and jump into a lake. I just want to feel youthful and light.

Our hardwood floors don't help on the whole self esteem issue...I feel like an elephant when I walk anywhere in our house...boom, boom, boom...oh it is lovely...a great reminder.

I don't know what I would do without Chay's basketball shorts. They have a big elastic waist. The minute I come home from anything the first thing I do is put on his shorts. Chay's not allowed to wear them...I tell him to take them off politely if he has them on. Oh he is so understanding.

The skin on my belly was pretty tolerable with Kenzie but round 2 has been different. I always want to sing the Caramello candy bar commercial tune when I look at my new little depressing stretch marks "stretch it out out out....caramello" I will optimistically say for the rest of my life, "These stretch marks are my battle wounds from a great victory" and "I am so grateful bikini's and modesty don't mix" but still I will hate them forever...month 9- the last stretch...so we hope... literally.

I have been teary eyed lately. Hormones, long lonely days, tired, sick of cleaning the same pan every single night after dinner...you know the silly things that get pregnant girls going on a blubber fest for 20 minutes. I was thinking about how my life is going to change drastically here in a few weeks. I was feeling doubt about being a mother of two. How am I going to do it and still keep my sanity? How am I going to reassure Kenzie my love for her is the same even though I can't be there for her all the time? When will I sleep? When will I get to write on my blog? When will I be able to exercise? How am I going to fly home to see my mom? How will I afford diapers for two? When will I get to use my talents and do things just for me? Ahhhh I was starting to open up to Chay and I looked over at him in bed and he was fast asleep...poor thing- he is gone 12-13 hours a day and I know he has his own set of worries and concerns- oh it is all interesting this ride called life...ups and downs...all make us who we are and who we are to become...regardless I hate being 9 months pregnant.

back to the prairie

little to none sarcasm, hard work, obedience, God-fearing people, honesty, kindness, trials with hope, morals, family first, respect for children and parents...

Does it get any better than Little House on the Prairie?

I mean I will admit, I am a little desensitized by the culture. I find humor in demeaning TV shows where the pessimistic things in life are supposed to be funny, where infidelity is a given, where competition between people go to extreme and back biting and deceiving is how you win, where sexual conduct is almost expected, where destructive sarcasm towards the family unit is down right hilarious...and isn't it sad? It is sad.

One day a few weeks ago, I was flipping through channels right in the middle of the day. I had laundry to do and counters to wipe but I just wanted to do nothing but watch TV. Well I came across an episode of Little House on the Prairie. I instantly was having flashbacks of my childhood and how I would race off the bus and run down my driveway as fast as I could so I could catch the first part of Little House on the Prairie. I still remember it started at 3:30 in the afternoon.

The flashbacks were inviting and so I decided to keep watching...The first 10 minutes or so of Little House on the Prairie I kind of giggled...almost embarrassed at how gentle and loving the Ingles family were towards each other.

"Oh Charles I am so glad you are home. Sit down and have supper, you've must of had a hard day" says Caroline as Charles walks in the door after a long day of work. Charles responds, "Nothing is better than being home with the family" The whole family smiles at each other as they sit together for dinner.

I wanted to smile knowing if I was with my sister and in a certain mood I would just laugh uncontrollably at the overly unrealistic kindness portrayed in the show. Joette and I would have a hay day making fun of this show...but the more I watched the more intrigued I became by the wholeness of the show and the more intrigued I became by the emptiness of the shows that are on television today.

I can't even believe the show was allowed to air because it definitely wouldn't fly today. There is too much about God which would make the ACLU and insane liberals go crazy and too much kindness and morality which would bore the average TV watcher who is looking for sour entertainment and blown out of proportion drama. I mean honestly when Caroline tells Charles to stop tilling their wheat fields on Sunday because it is the sabbath you know you are in for an hour of pretty dang good stuff- but to the average person who is sucked into a "world of shifting values" (thank you Pres. Hinckley) would be completely bored with the good of the show... parents disciplining their children for not being honest, serving your neighbor, faith when life is hard, hard work teaches great lessons, depending on family through trials...these type of principles taught on the Prarie don't seem to grab the interest of many anymore like I guess it used to...

Oh back to the prairie...a life lived simply- where you wear the same dress every day and have nothing yet life is rich in blessings and happiness. I just love the show. I reminded my mom about how a couple channels still play the reruns and we talked on the phone yesterday how she cried and cried over an episode...Where is Michael Landon when you need him most?

When my mom was a stake missionary they were teaching a man with a rough past who was even an ex-con I believe about the Spirit and what it feels like. The man said, "Is it kind of like the feeling you get when you watch Little House on the Prairie?"

So anyway...this is my kick on my new favorite old time favorite TV show. I have decided after watching how hard people had to work back then just to eat and survive that I better be more grateful and work a little harder. And as embarrassing as it may sound and I probably won't mention it in testimony meeting, Little House on the Prairie has helped me see many blessings in my life and well...as Charles Ingles so beautifully put it, "If you have a lot of money and no friends or family you are the poorest man on earth." The show has really put things into perspective for me and kind of made me rethink my priorities.

Ok I know you are humming the theme song in your head right now...

big & beautiful

big and beautiful I must say

my belly and butt
utah mountains
our house payment
my lost wedding ring
my love for Chay
my student loan
kenzie's appetite & diapers
the Great Salt Lake
my tomato plants
my hoping to be a good mother
my moles
my dad and brothers
the Salt Lake Temple
my dreams and goals
my body pillow
mckenzie's curiosity
the pile of dishes in the sink
the pile of laundry in my room....
my grocery list
my desire to have this baby tomorrow
my mom's faith
my heart

returning home

I always thought going home meant visiting my family and staying in the house I grew up in here in beautiful Newman Lake...but I think I am starting to understand the whole "cleave unto your husband" thing- because dang it I miss Chay! I just want to be home- the home where I belong.

We have had simple fun up here on our visit. Kenzie has loved being outside playing with the kitty and being able to go wherever she wants with no worries from me. She has played a lot with cousins. The beauty of where I grew up is breathtaking- everything is green, mountains surrounding, trees as far as the eye can see...yet it isn't home without Chay.

One thing I have learned about marriage in these few years together is to treasure the peace Chay and I feel being a couple. Of course there are the tough times, the miscommunications, the hurt feelings, the boring meaningless times- but we are solid-depending on each other just enough and feeling whole by ourselves just enough to be comfortable and committed to each other for the rest of this life and well for eternity. I guess it is true when they say "distance makes the heart grow fonder" because this week being away has really made me appreciate Chay. So I thought I should write it down so I could read it when I need a reminder of how good I have it.

When I visit my family I always like to go through my bedroom closet and search through my boxes of pictures and keepsakes. This time around I came across a binder of letters and emails from guys I have dated from the start of college until I married Chay. They were so funny to read and it seemed like each guy was so different from the next. One was very romantic and overly passionate about me- one was a mysterious intellectual who said just enough to keep me liking him, one was super funny...bla bla bla...and as I read the letters I blushed almost like I was reliving the relationship for a second. I kept thinking what life would be like if I married one of these guys instead of Chay. Mckenzie just looked at me while I giggled through the letters. Then I looked up at her and could see so much of Chay in her and I thought, "I married the right person...I mean look who we have created. Plus no one could have put up with me like Chay has...so a romantic, intellectual,- all doesn't matter- just Chay...is all I need." So I am coming home...tomorrow.

Here is a video...just so Chay can get even more excited to see little Kenzie.

simple joy

Yes, she loves to laugh! Mckenzie really teaches me to relax and enjoy just about anything. Enjoy the silly videos. Make sure your volume is up!

hogle zoo




dinner time




at the park