life today is good

The Pumpkin Smash is back at Jamba.



I'm sipping on one right now. And I am so happy. Chay came home long enough to surprise me with one...and off he goes to ride his dirt bike.

weigh in wednesday 173 lbs??? Well probably because I was blasted with another episode of MS and mastitis and then strep throat welcomed itself earlier this week- so eating was hardly on the agenda. My health has been troublesome lately...but today I feel good. So I will focus on today.

Today is good. Life is good.

Especially good since I am ever so often graced by my little happy fairies that remind me life's happiness is found in the little things...



not that all my troubles go away if I sit on the tire swing...but almost, almost....until I try to get off the dang swing and my butt gets stuck.

Julia was afraid to go outside today with her fairy wings...she was certain the wind would carry her away. I had to remind her that if she did get carried away she would at least have wings that would help her fly back home. That didn't help- made it worse. But eventually she found herself outside...like most kids do when Daddy is willing to push them on the tire swing.



Xander.

Here are some pictures of my boy. I have a boy! I have such a little crush on Xander.








so handsome my little man



this is for Grandpa...both Grandpas because my Dad and Chay's Dad both bought Xander the same shirt...I hear red necks think alike....






see? Life is good.

my planner

This is the longest time in the history of April that I have kept a planner. We are going on 3 months now...I found my planner at Savers for $1 and I love it. Luckily when the year is up I can buy another one HERE - won't get it for a dollar...but still.

This planner almost looks like mine- love the set up. Love the style. Love that it's big. Big is always better.



I have planner issues. I've never been able to keep one longer than 2 weeks- and funny enough, I usually end up misplacing my planners and finding them when the year has expired. Aren't they supposed to keep me organized?

But for some mystical reason, this time around, I am loving my planner and using it, and relying on it. I even cross off and put check marks on things I have done. I circle what needs to be done. I even have phone numbers and grocery lists in my planner. It is great.

but the favorite part of my planner? the quotes on the bottom of each page.

Like this one:

"I have learned that to be with those I like is enough." ~ Walt Whitman

and

"There shall be an eternal summer in a grateful heart." ~ Celia Thaxter

and

"Whatever you are, be a good one." ~ Abraham Lincoln.

anyway- so how's your planner?

Weigh in Wednesday: Last Wednesday 180-. Today- 177. I'm just sort of bouncing around the same weight by 3 pounds or so- time to kick things up a notch I suppose. I have to get out of maternity clothes eventually right?

ju ju kaye

happy birthday Julia.

Ok so your birthday was really on Sunday. But you're only 3. And three year olds luckily don't have a clue about how dates and calendars really work. The first 3 or 4 years of a child's life gives parents time to learn and make mistakes- and not be condemned for doing so. Because when they're 5 or 6, it's all over. "My birthday is in exactly 2 weeks, 3 days, 15 hours and 25 minutes." There's no way of forgetting birthdays then.

I didn't space Ju-Ju's birthday- well not entirely. I just didn't have the energy to celebrate it on her birthday- and either did she. She wasn't feeling too hot. Well actually she was feeling hot- a fever.

But today we celebrate. Just us...and Joette. A cake we all decorate together- a couple presents- Duck Duck Goose and Hide-and-Go-Seek with Daddy. (he makes it scary!)









Love you Julia. You are so interesting to me. I can't think of anyone more unpredictable than you. I so wish you came with an instruction book. I know the front page would read, "handle with care" and "warning: explosive"

but I love you...so so so much. You make me smile. I love your little words and the way you pronounce your "S's". I love how you ask me to scratch your back before bed. What 3 year old wants their back scratched? I love how you are concerned about everyone's happiness.

Stop growing please. Oh just stay little forever.

liquidificador

liquidificador- that is the word "blender" in Portuguese. Isn't that the longest word ever for something so simple like "blender"?

It's so hard to worry, or have a bad bad, or be angry if the song "Sweet Disposition" by the Temper Traps is playing...try it. The song just makes you feel like everything is going to be ok. It's like driving in the canyons with the windows down in perfect weather...beautiful scenery- it's like children laughing and running through the sprinklers. Just a feel good song.

I believe in music therapy.

Listen to the song- it's the first song on my playlist. I am listening to it right now and suddenly now I just want to hug someone...run and jump off a dock into a lake at midnight. (with a swimsuit on this time- for those few who are wondering)

Isn't it funny what music can do?

weigh in wednesday- 177 lbs...2 lbs up 2 lbs down- whatever.

Joette is in town and so we are going to the gym, drinking almond milk and chopping vegetables daily. We decided to make August our makeover month.

I love little Xander. He was starting to cry and grunt all day so I took him to the chiropractor. Worked wonders. I am sold.

I am thankful for air conditioning. Not thankful for my power bill. HOLY SMOKES.

I love how the health club has huge sunflowers planted in their flowerbeds. Someone happy planted those flowers. Totally unexpected- love it.

I saw a bumper sticker that said, "I love jet noise." I love jet noise too! I love living close to an air force base. Every now and then the big booming jets flying by will get my heart all pumping and I just want to start singing "Oh say can you see!!!"

two spouts of mastitis- I felt like I was poisoned or something. It actually reminded me of when I got Dengue on my mission. I couldn't even get out of bed without Chay's help. But I just drank a gallon plus of water each time and nursed and pumped like crazy and I beat it!- symptoms gone in 12 hours. Phew.

Is there anything more sweet and precious than a newborn?

My sister is amazing. She has such a HUGE purpose in this life. My girls love her more than me right now. She truly is a Mother in Zion.

Pictures of the little guy:

weigh in wednesdays

Yesterday (wednesday) was busy and full...

so..um 179 lbs???

Well that sucks.

off to a better week.

I'm actually not really trying to lose weight- more just trying to survive each day with a newborn.

But I am so happy with my little baby boy. I will post pictures soon. I have a crazy weekend. Janna is visiting, Joette, Dad and Kay are coming to town- Chay's family reunion...baby blessing this weekend- lesson to teach...tired. But all exiting events that bring much happiness- I just need to take a deep breath and get on with it.

service

I have been so touched lately by all the wonderful people in my life who have been willing to help me.

I have great friends.

Thank you for the fun stuff that has arrived in the mail from far away best friends and family, phone calls that have meant the world to me, visits here and there that have helped big time with the long exhausting days.

Thank you for the AMAZING dinners. We are talking GOOD food. Stuff I love to eat.

Thank you for the quick runs to the store- Hollie and Cami. I knew I could ask you and not feel dumb for doing so.

Thank you to those who have taken or who have offered to watch the girls.

I am so touched. Now I want to be better at serving...I don't think I'm that good at it yet- but I've had great teachers these past two weeks.

I am surrounded by beautiful people. The beautiful people in my life. (I swear Marilyn Manson's song did not come into my mind at first when I wrote that)

I love where I live. I am so grateful to have so many close friends from church live in my neighborhood. What a blessing.

I love how the elderly women from church have stopped by to give gifts and share with me endless stories from their child-bearing years...oh how I love these ladies. Mckenzie and Julia have like 5 grandma's who love them- right here on our street alone. oh these precious old ladies- talk about lives well lived...beautiful souls- their eyes sparkle- prepared and ready to meet their Maker.

It is so easy to be grateful when I'm surrounded by gracious people.

Gratitude- more effective and attainable as a group effort...kind of rubs off on everyone...addictive, contagious

weigh-in wednesday week 2

um...no I don't intend on this being a weight loss blog- BORING.

but it is "weigh-in Wednesday"...

ok so last week's weight: 188.5 (digital scale)
Today's weight: 177.5 -11 lbs exactly...even down to the ounce- weird.

The only explanation I have for this 11 lb drop- is well...I have ankles now and my wedding ring fits again. I was pretty swollen for awhile- my puffy feet were really starting to bug me.

But I woke up in the middle of the night several times this week dripping in sweat...and yes it was disturbing...

I'm just dripping from everywhere it seems...oh the wonderful post-partum days.

So the 11 lbs??? Water. Just water. I'm still really fun to hug and cuddle with. Squishy and soft. Anybody need a hug?

Here's to another week...

oh and I'm just enjoying little Xander so much...oh my. I'm whipped.

weigh-in wednesdays

I can hear Rafiki on The Lion King....(this is for you Joette)

"It is time."

I tipped the scale going into labor weighing 201 lbs.

Granted I am 5'9...and my baby was a good size...

Ok, ok, ok, there is no "GRANTED" allowed here- that's a lot of weight to gain. A lot of love...a lot of squishy comfy hugs...a lot of "I love those big brown eyes...and the way you shake those thighs"- anyone remember that song? A lot of "Baby Got Back" from Sir Mix-A-lot comes to mind also...is there anyone who DOESN'T know all the lyrics to that song??? I mean honestly, it's just an early 90's classic. What is middle school without "I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other rappers can't deny..."?

anyway

Current weight: 188.5. I somehow lost 13 and half pounds- 8 lbs was Xander...and 5 lbs must have been the placenta and my amniotic fluid...my midwife couldn't believe how much water I was carrying. When my water broke it made the biggest popping splash sound ever- like a huge water balloon popping on concrete. Chay was actually video taping me as I lay on the bed when all of the sudden "SPLASH"- so the sound of the "SPLASH" is recorded for family history sake. Then when Xander was coming out, he moved a little bit and amniotic fluid seriously went flying in the air and squirted the nurse in the face and chest (I know, disgusting). Chay later thanked the nurse for being in the perfect spot when I squirted everywhere, she supposedly saved the laptop from getting wet...

anyway- so Weigh-in Wednesdays. I have never in my life weighed this much- I am just big and beautiful, what can I say? I look at myself and I am reminded of the pictures of the women, the great great aunts and great great grandmas on my Dad's side of the family...they were mostly tall thick overweight hard-working big-boned women. So it looks like I have some good and not so good genes working against me.

Anyway- I just want to feel good...and fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes- because I'm about to break the bank at TJ Maxx if I don't.

I have no clue why I am blogging about this. I seriously think it's some made up psychological motivation that inspires me more to accomplish a goal. And no, I'm not embarrassed about posting my weight...my step mother in law already posted a horrific picture of me on facebook for all to see- even those gorgeous past boyfriends got a glimpse of my reality at the moment- oh well...big and beautiful, what can I say?

Current weight: July 14, 2010 188.5 lbs.

I want 'em real thick and juicy so find that juicy double
Mix-a-Lot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble.

5 days

My little Xander is 5 days old.

Wow only 5 days? well, 5 very long days then.

Breastfeeding is absolutely controlling the greater portion of my life right now. It scares me to death. It hurts. I cringe. I bleed. I crack. Engorgement is finally on the downswing and just the little bit of relief convinces me I can run a marathon now...or accomplish some impossible feat. (not really on the marathon thing)

But nursing with 2 little excited girls is sort of a challenge...Julia super glued her fingers together tonight while I was nursing Xander. Her fingers were seriously "super glued" -it was pretty traumatic for her. Luckily Dad had some special spray of the sorts to help her get un-super glued.

Jaundice. Jaundice. Jaundice. 3 for 3. All three of my babies have pictures of them "all aglow" with the bilirubin lights.



I feel so many emotions lately. One thing hit me for sure- I am all mommy. I have three little people to take care of. My heart is so full of love for my little ones. Tonight Julia and Kenzie left for Grandma's house for 3 1/2 days. They have been gone maybe an hour and I already miss them. They drive me up the wall most days- but they are my girls...they give me so much joy. I feel bad the baby is taking so much of their mommy time away from them. Hopefully everything will re-adjust soon. I am so so so grateful Kenzie has another year until Kindergarten...oh I can't even face that right now. ok let's not think about that April.



Anyway I didn't mean to write so much... I really just wanted to post pictures for family and friends who live far far away. Xander is seriously so adorable to me. My crappy camera just doesn't do him any justice- he is just so fun to hold and look at.





So what do you think? Does Xander look like Chay? Me? I see a little Mckenzie in him, but I can't really tell...

Xander

His name is Xander. Xander Chay Clark.

But he still just looks like "my little guy" to me.

Here is the view from my room. I can't really complain.






Watching Peter Pan...they love my hospital room as much as I do...

The cheeks...




oh blessed sleep

update

I am sitting here at the hospital...looking at my new little baby boy. So peaceful.

But I am getting really sick of this small room...

and why does my bed digitally reveal to me how much I weigh when I lay down in it? Is that really necessary? Especially with the beds in the post partum wing...

on the upside or the downside (however you look at it) the food here is surprisingly good.

Kenzie loves her new little brother- wants to hold him ALL THE TIME.

Ju Ju...not so much. Her words last night as I was feeding him, "I don't like baby, let's throw him in the garbage"

She needs a lot of extra love and attention right now. Oh my Ju Ju.

Still no name for the baby...getting there...

I just witnessed a circumcision. That was so interesting. Rubbed his head and gave him sugar water- Poor little guy. He did so well...considering the circumstances...circumcision circumstances...hmmm...now I am wondering what the root meaning of "circum" means...google?

I feel very blessed.

My boobs hurt.

I'm tired.

But this little baby boy is something else I tell you. So beautiful. I can't believe he is ours. What a gift. What is he dreaming and thinking about all the time? He has already gained 2 oz.

I will post pictures when I get home.

Everything is going well...but I'm at the hospital still...and the baby goes to the nursery when I want to sleep...and I get room service with good meals- my sheets are changed daily...so I think life will really hit when I get home.

I can do this...I can do this.

he is finally here

So I gave birth to a baby boy this morning. 2:56 a.m.

He is beautiful.

Went into labor unexpectedly...3 weeks too early. Good thing- because my nameless perfect little baby was 8 lbs 4 oz 20 inches long...imagine his size full term...

we are still deciding what to call him...

I felt Mom near during the birth...even imagined her standing in a certain spot in the delivery room...I could hear her voice telling me everything was going to be ok...and to get a grip and get an epidural.

I am really tired. I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Post pictures soon.

My little baby is so flawless to me.

Good night.

9 months

So it is July...

I can actually say that I will probably be having a baby this month.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate being pregnant?

But you know, the summer weather has been nice. The girls are so fun...and Chay is the love of my life...

Ok I can hardly type that without giggling. We aren't a "you are the love of my life" type couple. We aren't a "terms of endearment" type couple either. He's not "baby" or "honey" or "sugar". He is "Chay". And I for one don't prefer to be called a food product by any means. "honey buns, sweet cheeks, honey, sweet cakes, muffin, or sugar" are a no go- especially now when "honey buns" would probably seem most appropriate with my nice back cushion I have acquired these past 9 months.

I actually really like to hear my name. "April". "April" just sounds nice.

One time Chay and I were joking around how couples seem to have these "nick names" for each other and the fact that we don't might be a bad sign. I told him we should do a test run on some terms of endearment for each other. So I looked at Chay and all I could call him was "Chay". Chay looked at me and called me his "cougar".

I couldn't stop laughing. um...no, too sexual. We both agreed everyone will get the wrong idea...or the right idea...

So we call each other by our first names. Chay is such a nice unique name- why hide it and ruin it with "honey bunny". Ok writing this is reminding me of the movie "How to lose a guy in 10 days" anyone seen this?...oh what a funny movie.

But I do love Chay the same regardless of our lack of nick names for each other. He is becoming my greatest friend. I can tell him really boring things and he listens. He will tell me what is wrong with his motorcycle engine...the timing, the carburetor, the valves...and I will listen. I love having him around.

Being too big to take care of my feet like I should, Chay scrubbed and "sanded down" my callused summer dry heels on Sunday. He wiped up the kitchen floor for me. He helps me get up off the floor after family prayer. He rubs my back and tells me I smell good in the middle of the night.

I don't think I could be 9 months pregnant with anyone else.

So despite the sciatic nerve in my butt, the achy hips, stiff joints, the sleepless nights of rolling from side to side, the mysterious varicose veins in my vulva that can't be seen but feel like knives cutting into me (yes, I said vulva- get over it) and despite the swelling calves, feet and ankles merging into one body part a.k.a. "cankles", and despite only having 3 shirts now that sort of hide my butt crack, cleavage and belly completely, and despite the ligament pains on the sides of my stomach that I swear are worse than labor, and despite feeling overwhelmed, hot, sweaty, puffy, massive...despite all this, I feel blessed...blessed to be a mommy of three soon, blessed to have a safe loving home for my children to be raised in, blessed to have good friends, and most especially to have Chay...I have really witnessed the hand of God and His mercy in my life lately...and so I keep trucking along. My mom used to always say that- "keep trucking along"

The weather has kept me trucking along.

Went camping. All 4 1/2 of us slept squished in a supposedly 3 man tent. Which we all know the tent is lying when it says how many "men" it can sleep. The girls slept fine. Chay, being 6'3 (which equals 2 men in "tent size") and beefy me (3 men)- did not sleep...at all. Our air mattress was flat to the ground by 2 am. My body was on fire by the time it was morning. New pains I have never experienced before...and as I lay there focused on how in the world am I going to put on my shorts with this huge achy body in such limited space, Kenzie wakes up with her huge positive smile and says, "This is so fun! I love sleeping in a tent! Can we go see the swing at the water?" What? Are you for real? You can't be this happy...not now anyway. So...yes, she changed my mood real fast. She is such a light. I want to be more like Kenzie in so many ways.

We have been swimming almost daily...and doing all we can to get out and enjoy the sun with the girls. Zoo, splash pad, health club, parks, school lunch...sprinklers...

I can really testify to the idea of "just keep going" and don't let circumstances stop you- life is better when you're busy working, being with people, enjoying simple things. It has helped me cope with these last couple months. I remember my mom, who was a lot more sick than I have ever been, saying that every day she had a choice- a choice to either stay in bed all day or to get up and "just keep going". Those words ring super loud to me every morning...

now how in the heck am I going to give birth???? I know I have done it twice before...but honestly what a phenomenon. The pain scares me...women are amazing.

mowing the lawn

ok, here are some of the random thoughts I had while mowing the lawn tonight:

I know a lot of really good people.

I am so fortunate to say I have been blessed with wonderful friends.

I need friends. I grow and learn so much from my relationships with others.

I want to be a better friend. I think often how I can be more uplifting and more edifying to those around me.

I taught sunday school on Sunday and we learned about Jonathan and David's sincere friendship. They were so loyal to each other because God was first in their lives. Jonathan's words to David:

"behold, the Lord be between thee and me for ever." Samuel 20:23

Isn't that a beautiful friendship scripture?

I am so grateful for the people in my life who put God first and show it through their graciousness and service.

Our relationships, I feel, are the most important most tangible thing we've got here on earth to understand God's love better. People. All God's children. Touching each other in different ways...bringing light, helping, serving, acting as earthly angels. Even the relationships that suck...where there is unforgiveness, cruelty, awkwardness, hurt feelings- still an invite to become more Christ-like and to forgive and change- all ways to help us learn more about Christ.

marriage, families, raising children, friends- major growth happens- at least that is what I'm experiencing.

Learning to love others is the second most important commandment- first is to love God...and yet we struggle so much in this world with forgiving and loving people as we should. We can be so dang difficult to live with- so critical of others, so hard on each other, so hard on ourselves...relationships really are the refiner's fire...

so there you go...my random lawn mowing thoughts...

I asked Chay tonight, "What do you think about when you mow the lawn?"

he looked at me puzzled, "nothing...I think about mowing the lawn."

grateful

grateful to have a great daddy.

Sure he's got his quirks- as do I. But my dad is loyal, honest, and loving. I love my Dad. He is easy to love and forgive...he is humble and protects his family like a dad should. I am so grateful I don't have bitter feelings toward him. I can't imagine life living each day not liking him and being upset with him. My Dad, along with my Mom, really created an atmosphere of trust, love, and forgiveness in our home. They must have- because despite our many problems, our family is full of trust, love, and forgiveness. So thank you Dad.

Grateful for my children's Dad- Chay. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming when I see Chay with our girls. He can be the best Daddy. Oh my- like yesterday at the Zoo- so patient and so willing to help the girls have the best experience. I love his little talks with each one at bed time. Washing their hair and giving them a bath. Pushing them on the tire swing. Scratching Ju Ju's back. Making them laugh hysterical with his funny sense of humor and magic tricks.



It brings tears of gratitude to my eyes to know that my girls are going to grow up with a Dad that loves them AND shows it. My children will have a Dad that wants to be with them, wants to play, wants to take time out to be with them- oh that makes me so happy. So many children do not have that opportunity. Some dads don't know how to show love, some dads take off and never return home, some dads work too much- but my girls will have a daddy- a real daddy. One that will do anything for them.

Obviously Chay can't nurture like a mom can- and he is rough around the edges and can be quite the different disciplinarian than me, but it is ok. Because he is also loving and...he is present. He cares. He is there. He hits the 3 P's pretty well on most days. Preside, protect, and provide- in all ways those words can be interpreted.



I feel very grateful today. Happy Father's day.

his hand

I love this video.

Have you seen God's hand in your life today?

healing segment- today

"Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside." ~Elder Uchtdorf

It is June 12th today.

I can officially say that I will be having a baby soon. No more months and months to wait for this pregnancy to be over...now just weeks.

I can't believe I will have a new baby to hold...a brand new little baby. Oh who are you little boy?

I feel so out of touch with my body when I'm pregnant- most especially this time around. I feel like my spirit is somewhere foreign. I think it's because I'm not used to the size of my butt...and the whole "thighs touching when I walk" thing- all foreign. I don't feel like I belong in this body. My spirit just wants to run- and get out of bed normally without having to roll out of bed. I want to pick up a toy off the floor without it being an Olympic event bending over to get it.

I've been loving the comments I've been receiving lately: "wow you are holding that baby so low" "have you gained a lot of weight this pregnancy?" "Oh my, you have gotten bigger since I last saw you." "Your feet and ankles are so swollen."

Today is a great day. I find myself thinking often about how I will get back into the pre-pregnancy body I once had after the baby is born...and having that energy I crave come back...and that vitality of over all good health.

why not start today instead of waiting 6 more weeks? Can't run a marathon or anything...and I doubt I will shed any major pounds...but today I can make some changes...why wait?

today is the day. I've had enough. I can't wait to feel great again. No more feeling sorry for myself. No more excuses. The benefits of good health outweigh silly non healthy instant gratification food. I know that...I always have.

Went to the gym today and waddled on the treadmill...ate mostly vegetables today...green drink...all things that bring "light" to the body.

here I go.

More to come- I like to blog about stuff like this- keeps me motivated during the first hard weeks.

excitements of lately

It's almost 10 o'clock in the morning and the girls are still asleep! I think I wore them out yesterday. I took them to "free lunch" at the school and they wanted to walk to the school- midway to the school they were huffing and puffing...complaining.- and then without a nap we went swimming. They played hard with their cousin Gage. They wouldn't leave the poor boy alone.

Kenzie likes boys. All her friends are boys. All I hear her talk about is Michael, Hyrum, Gage, Clayton...

Random excitements:

Went away for a couple days...feel rejuvinated...ready to be a mom and wife again...I'm sure only time will tell when it will be time to leave again :)

Hit the 50% off Savers sale on Memorial Day. I loaded up on some great newer clothes all for $.50-$3 dollars each for the girls. I love finding a good deal. Here Kenzie is supposed to be modeling some of the clothes for me but is picking at my plant instead.



I found this brand new bumper at the Savers sale too for $3! I love how it is white! I was wondering how I was going to find, pull off, or make some sort of boy bumper for the baby with my style...this was a pleasant surprise to find.



Chay built a tire swing over the weekend. We got the idea and instructions from instructables.com I love that website. You can learn how to do anything on that website. Oh the blessed internet. I can't believe how much my mom figured out without the internet while we were growing up. The tire was free from Pep Boys. Never pay money for a used tire. The chain however NOT free.



I found this cool table and chairs for $30 at a yard sale...it is ornate and beat up. But I just loved it. So I bought it. Thank you Cami for helping me bring home my junky treasure. I know I will be able to sell it for more...but for now I just stare at it and store junk on it...obviously.



Got my garden in and planted flowers. I am so excited about planting asparagus this year. I love asparagus and its a perennial vegetable that will harvest for up to 25 years! It takes 2-3 years before you can harvest but I figure by the time Chay is done with school we will be enjoying sweet asparagus...time passes quickly- it really does.


asparagus looks kind of freaky coming out of the ground like that...

We trimmed the front bushes...and Chay put in a new back door- being that our original back door was the original back door...from the 50's...and served no purpose other than being a door- a piece of hollow wood separating the outside from the inside. Let's just say we feel a lot more insulated now.



swimming lessons...for Kenzie. I fought swimming lessons...thought it was super silly for a 4 year old being that I started swimming lessons when I was 8 or so...but then I realized that I grew up around lakes and rivers and swam all summer long and sort of taught myself the basics- and Kenzie doesn't have that opportunity. Plus Kenzie likes it of course. But the pool water is always freezing...her teeth chatter/bottom lip quiver the whole time.

Look at this tall lonesome beautiful tulip. I love looking at it.



This picture is special to me. "The Promise" by Morgan Weistling. A very special family who I love so dearly placed this picture of Christ in my bedroom- it was the first thing I saw when I walked in my bedroom for the first time after serving my mission. The little girl looks like me when I was little. I love how she is clinging to the Savior.



Well I spray painted the picture frame white to match the girl's room decor better...



And camping...in the backyard. We actually never slept in the tent...but just played in it all day. I'm not about to sleep on the ground with a huge belly when I have a comfy bed 20 feet away.



Kenzie and Daddy

Minivan debate

We have been needing a new car for awhile. You know, the ones that actually fit more than 2 car seats comfortably? Our jeep will fit 2 boosters and baby seat but that is after giving yourself carpal tunnel trying to buckle the boosters in which are CRAMPED up next to the baby seat. It's like a 10 minute process...and sometimes even bloody. It's a no-go with someone with little patience like myself.

So the minivan question arose???? Oh the look on Chay's face. Classic.

You see, I'm married to a motor sports kind of guy. He hauls dirt bikes and 4 wheelers on a weekly basis. Either to sell, fix up, buy, or ride. Fox bumper stickers and minivans don't mix. I don't think minivans mix well with any man really. I'm now convinced they somehow mess with manhood.- Along the same line as chick flicks and listening to Celine Dion.

I'm not a minivan fan either...but I would drive one if I had to. But THIS commercial has definitely changed my mind. You have to watch this...

every minivan family out there (who is basically everyone I associate with) this is for you...take pride in your swagger wagon.



and this one is for Chay...because a family man really can drive a minivan...



oh these commercials made me laugh the hearty laugh. The big chuckle and jerk motion that the Tomblin ladies are known for. Joette has the worse laugh and jerk out of all of us. She can become dangerous when she laughs. Don't make her laugh while she is driving.

Minivans are cool.

light

I've been thinking a lot about "light" lately.

I know, a little random.

but the word "light" and what it offers in all its dimensions and interpretations really intrigues me. Spiritually, literally, figuratively, scientifically...

driving on the way here..."here" is my in-law's house- they are gone for the weekend and so in desperation to escape from who knows what- just escape to a place where I can think and act in complete silence...I asked if I could stay at their house. Surprisingly my wonderful mother in law agreed that it was a great idea for me to come and get away for a few days. So here I am. Very weird, I know- but I will tell you one thing- it is VERY quiet here. Just me. Just me. Wow. Just me. I only have to take care of me for the next couple days. This is a first in a very long time...and probably the last in a very long time. Wish Chay were here...but I think this time alone might do some good.

anyway on the drive here my mind was full of thoughts...and I contemplated my life...and my priorities...and this weird trip I was taking to my in-laws house to be alone. And my thoughts led to a prayer and then to more thinking...and then "light" came to mind.

I like light. In fact I am worried about being in this big house in a couple hours. Alone, dark house, dark night...oh dear April- just don't read into any noises you hear.

light.

"Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life." John 8:1

Christ is the light of the world. All things testify of him. Without him we would only have darkness. Christ is truth and truth is light. The magnitude of Christ's light/love is incomprehensible...but we can catch glimpses of it every day and testify of its realness...and continue to learn and grow because of it. There is a lot of light out there...Christ is everywhere if we train our eyes to see Him manifested in all things.

So the whole "light" thing all started when I popped in a health CD I have been wanting to listen to for like a year but never got around to it. I noticed the CD in a pile of stuff right before I was leaving and I had a tiny feeling that maybe I was supposed to listen to it on my drive here. It was interesting to say the least. The bio-chemist microbiologist guy who was talking explained in depth how certain foods we eat produce "light" or energy in the body and how other foods can actually destroy or rob "light" or energy in the body. He went on to say that our bodies do not run on calories, fat, or protein but actually run on light and electricity. He even said that our words, thoughts, and deeds can affect the light in our body. Wow I really liked what I was hearing. He obviously explained it in bigger scientific explanations that went over my head, but I got the jest of it. He then went on to talk about alkalinity acidity pH stuff...blah blah blah...but it made sense nonetheless and I couldn't really disagree with him because he basically pushed the simple knowledge that vegetables are full of proton energy producing minerals and nutrients that can supply healing essential alkaline electricity to the body.

So eat a cucumber already.

(Wow. I'm having color problems with the print)

Then I put in another CD (this time it was music) and one of the first songs I heard was this one:

Hold on the Light Will Come by Michael McLean

The message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun
If your world is filled with darkness, doubt and fear
Just hold on, hold on, the light will come

Everyone who's ever tried and failed
Stands much taller when the victory's won
And those who've been in darkness for a while
Kneel much longer when the light has come.

It's a message every one of us must learn
That the answers never come without a fight
And when it seems you've struggled far too long
Just hold on, hold on, there will be light

Hold on. Hold on. the light will come.
If you feel trapped inside a never-ending night
If you've forgotten how it feels to feel the light
If you're half-crazy thinking you're the only one
who's afraid the light will never really come -
Just hold on. Hold on. The light will come!

The message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun
If your world is filled with darkness, doubt and fear
Just hold on, hold on, the light will come.

This song kind of spoke to the heart as it seemed to relate to some of my feelings I've had lately. It made me teary eyed and I felt it was one of those "tender mercies" Heavenly Father gives so freely to his children. It was hopeful. My mom used to love this song...it would give her hope during those long cancer journey days. Joette would play and sing it for her on the piano.

Most of my drive to my in-law's was dark, rainy, and dreary but the last 20 minutes or so the sun broke through the clouds in streams of light. The bright sun hit my face and I felt for a moment the sunshine was just for me...Heavenly Father's way of letting me know he cares and loves me. It was beautiful.

Thank you.

I love this scripture "That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day." D&C 50:24

the Ross breakdown

I am seriously going through the hardest time right now. oh and please don't bring me cookies to make feel better- that will only make it worse.

I think I'm going to have an emotional breakdown...oh wait already had 4 in the last month.

everything is starting to pile up...I'm sick with a nasty cold, so is Julia- pregnancy, health, endless tasks, MS crap, kids, no energy, unfinished goals, sciatic nerve pain, relationships, expectations, stress, life- I have never felt this way for so long. It is so foreign to me. Everything seems to be taking a toll on me.

I have cried alligator tears for a week straight. We are talking the BIG tears...

Today Julia threw her 6th tantrum in 6 days ...at the store Ross. Her tantrums have become increasingly worse lately and usually last up to 55 minutes or so (I have timed them). I try to figure out why- probably some psychological disorder due to an insane mom. I took a toy away from her at the store as we were entering the dressing rooms... and she went absolutely ballistic. I have outgrown all my maternity clothes- gaining already 55 lbs and depressed as ever with my appearance, I attempt with a screaming toddler and a 4 year old to try on some shirts that will actually cover my belly and my boobs. I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize myself. I'm a big white puffy marshmallow! Julia won't stop screaming and snot from her nose is going everywhere. She is kicking and rolling around on the floor. I'm trying to take deep breaths when all of the sudden I hear this lady scream, "Shut that kid up!"

I was taken off guard and so I responded, "excuse me?"

"You heard me, shut that kid up or take her home!"

"um...I'm trying...I can't really help it..."

I have no idea what this lady looks like because she is yelling at me from her dressing room and I'm in my dressing room obviously. I start to get pretty shaken up.

she screams "You need to learn how to control your kids"

I responded, "Ever had a toddler before?"

"Yes I did and they never acted like that- you need to learn to control them or don't bring them shopping!" and she walked out of the dressing room and out into the store.

It was seriously a tipping point for me. My eyes filled up with tears and I started to blubber like a baby- Poor Kenzie just sat and stared at her emotional sister and mother go to town with the tears. She then asked, "why was that lady mean to you Mommy?"

A worker must have heard the whole ordeal and she went and found the toy I took away from Julia and slipped it under the dressing room door. Julia of course stopped crying when she saw it but I sure didn't. Then a few moments later the same worker slid a box of tissue under the door for me. I seriously had no control over my emotions. I was spent.

I was then determined not to ever leave that dressing room out of pure embarrassment. I eventually got myself together enough to leave. The nice worker apologized for the rude customer.

Not a good day in April's life. Hopefully I will someday laugh about it all. Right now I am barely holding it together.

I think about God's plan for me often and I seek the Lord through prayer that I may learn and grow from this time in my life...but it can really suck sometimes regardless.

Please tell me I am somewhat normal??? anybody lose it in a dressing room before???