dear kenzie

Dear Mckenzie,

I can't believe you are 3 today. ok nevermind yes I can- You are everything 3. -moody, sincere, bratty at times, loves to snuggle, loves books, bosses everyone around, is quite familiar with 'time-out', sings I am a Child of God throughout the day, loving, stomps in mud puddles with your brand new shoes, colors on the table, rearranges Mom's cupboards, cries at the drop of a dime, loves to pray, pretends to be holding baby Jesus, likes your feet to be rubbed..."with lotion please"- yes you are 3- and we love it- all of it- our little girl.






Sometimes I just stare at you and I say a silent prayer that I may know how to allow every bit of your light get out and shine. I pray I don't hinder any potential you may have. I love (mostly) spending the long days with you. Thank you for coloring with me, helping me cook dinner for Daddy, doing puzzles together, and for just being near me throughout the day. Thanks for sitting in bed with me before nap time while I read my books and you read yours. I love those moments.



Last night Daddy asked me if he could rub my feet. You were laying next to me in bed almost asleep. Before I could say "yes" to Daddy you beat me to it and said, "yes Daddy...with lotion please" It was pretty funny. Your daddy rubs your feet a lot. He loves you so much. He said last night, "oh my- Kenzie is getting pretty" As parents we both got a worried look on our face- oh dear

The other night I was trying to explain to you that you were my daughter and that Daddy was my husband. You cried and cried and said, "I want to be your husband" I further explained that I married Daddy in the temple and that's when he became my husband. You were having a rough time, "I want to marry you in the temple Mommy!"

It is so interesting to hear you express all the love you have one minute and the next you scream at your little sister and tell her "BE QUIET RIGHT NOW!" Is this a reflection of me? Oh probably. I am sorry for being out of control at times and for getting upset over silly things. As your mother I am really trying to get better. Let's be patient with each other ok?

My greatest gift I want to give you Kenzie this birthday is a whole lot better than that cheezy floor puzzle I bought at Ross (I hope you'll like it by the way)- The greatest gift I can ever share with you is my testimony of the Gospel. I know Jesus Christ lives and that through Him is the ONLY way we can be truly happy. I know Joseph Smith saw God the Father and His son Jesus Christ that Spring morning in 1820- which means that God still talks to his people, still cares about us here on earth- and that He will never change and His truth is everlasting. The same church that Jesus established on the earth so many years ago has been restored. It is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints. I cannot doubt this for I know it with all my heart. The members of the church are far from perfect and they might even hurt your feelings from time to time but put your faith in the Gospel and its perfect teachings and your compassion for others will grow and you will grow too...in a more Christ-like way. And as you get older Mckenzie, you will probably be made fun of, ridiculed, and those who you thought would never hurt you- will disown you for the truth which you proclaim. The world will continue to be more accepting to those things the Lord's people have known for ages to be wrong. But with a burning testimony that is nourished with prayer, service, and obedience you will fight and be strong...and I will too- as a family we will do all we can to honor and sustain the fight for truth- for the spirit has testified it to our hearts and no other conviction could ever be stronger. This I know.

Wow- didn't know that would all come out but I guess it did! happy birthday sweetheart.

With Love, Mommy

wreath

wreath has got to be one of the weirdest words- wreath wreath...say it 4 times in a row really fast...I feel almost a little impaired when I say it- it's a word that actually gives you the ok to speak with a lisp. wreath- and is definitely a word the Brazilians would slaughter- the whole 'th' thing doesn't exactly roll of their tongue too easily.

ok so here is my Christmas wreath I put together a little while back...I am sort of proud of it. It took me awhile to be confident enough in it- I stared at it all the time...and then suddenly I decided I really liked it- plus joette and janna liked it too- and so it was good to go after that.



this is a before-





the camera isn't doing this thing any justice-

Christmas without Mom and miracle #1

I think bread is taking the place of Mom in my life.

yes bread, and those uncooked tortillas from Costco (fried to perfection), and those mint dark chocolate 3 musketeers- have you had those? oh my gosh- close to perfect.




so I'm sure on some subconscious level I'm trying to eat my mom back to life...

Death is sort of weird. I still can't grasp it. I just can't. But food on the other hand is quite attainable and very understandable...and why deal with life when there's pumpkin chocolate chip cookies to be eaten...and enjoyed for that matter-

ok so anyway- Memories of Mom are still so vivid. Her voice is still fresh in my head like I talked to her yesterday. (it doesn't help that it's her voice on the voice mail when I call home to talk to Dad...I always say in my head "Dad please pick up- please pick up- I don't want to hear Mom's voice- not tonight anyway)

With each different part of me trying to cope, I go through several phases of surviving and mourning Mom's death- sometimes I just want to honor her, sometimes I want to go to the temple to feel close to her, sometimes I pretend to talk to her, sometimes I want to cook like her, sew like her, create like her, write like her, laugh and be friendly like her- sometimes I just want to make her proud of me, or sometimes I want her to feel guilty for leaving me (ouch), sometimes I am mad, sometimes I am really hurting, sometimes I don't care and I go a whole day without her even crossing my mind...until I try to go to sleep that night-and then I have these million and one thoughts of Mom and they won't go away. I swear she haunts my thoughts.

Women in general are really fascinating. Can you imagine what Christmas would be like without women? What man likes to wrap gifts with bows, sing Christmas songs at random times during the day, make gingerbread houses for fun- without being forced by guilt? What man likes to put up the tree, hang stockings, frost cookies, and go caroling?- (unless there is a snowball fight and donuts and hot chocolate somewhere in the mix-) Women are creators and tradition makers- Wholesome Christmas memories are embedded in our minds mostly because of women- mostly because of mothers.

So how does one deal with a motherless Christmas?

So I have tried all I can (on good days) to emulate Mom- and get excited like she got during Christmas. I got the tree up the first week in November (it is my way of erasing anything to do with Halloween) and I got the Christmas song book out and put it on the piano. I made a wreath for my kitchen wall (will post pictures later) and...I am trying to think of some traditions- I will make Mom's cinnamon rolls again for the neighbors- but mostly every tradition I've had included going home to Spokane and having Mom take over the show. What is Christmas without Mom?- I mean honestly.

I am attempting to make stockings. Mom sewed our stockings and they mean so much to me now- so I figure I better do the same- plus I want to learn how to use that wretched machine...it even smells like Mom. I can thread the needle just fine- it's the bobbin (spell check?)spool on the bottom that always gets me confused- and so I would always always ask Mom how to do that part and she would laugh as she explained it to me for the 100th time.

Joette dropped off Mom's sewing machine and surger last week, plus a whole bag full of patterns. For 2 weeks now I have been searching for a free Christmas stocking pattern (I'm sort of in 2nd grade when it comes to sewing) and a couple days ago I decided to go through the bag of Mom's patterns- and there right on top was of course-a stocking pattern Mom had made herself- with a piece of paper included- all in Mom's beautiful handwriting, written step by step how to sew a Christmas stocking- written so even a 2nd grader could understand it. miracle #1



Thanks Mom- So I guess you're sort of around after all this Christmas.

Mrs. Taylor is 29

emily ann tayor- is there an 'e' at the end of ann? Shouldn't I already know this? oh and I totally stole this picture off your blog. The internet can be disturbing at times wouldn't you agree?

Ok well happy birthday to you. Today I was in the car listening to this song that totally reminded me of you and our road trip days-

I wanted to scan in some pictures from the good old days- like when we attempted dressing up as the Charlie's Angels for Halloween- but maybe I will do that next year when you aren't pregnant anymore- there isn't anything more depressing than looking at pictures of the past- when you are big and pregnant and feel that all fresh and pretty has dropped off by the wayside somewhere...plus you will be 30 next year- it will be good redemption time to pull out the pictures when we were in our 20 prime.

ok so Emily. I honestly don't feel more comfortable with anyone like I do with Emily. She is kind of hard to explain- but she is real, honest, opinionated, caring, thoughtful, expressive, informative, stable, funny, real funny, great tasted, and my greatest friend on earth.

She likes to talk you know...and she is easily entertained...and sometimes I feel so incredibly lucky to have landed such a cool friend.--yes very cool...and rad. I love it when I don't have to work at friendships- they just come naturally and there is never an awkward moment- well awkward experiences together indeed but never feeling this way towards one another.

She has put me in my place more than once. She isn't easily persuaded- and well I just really like her- I like talking to her- she knows a lot about me and she still likes me. She is very patient and loving through all my ups and downs- and all the little fazes I get myself into.

Emily is pregnant- hence the picture. She will be one of the most fantastic moms of all time- I kid you not. Her children will be reading novels at age 4 and performing at the bluegrass festival while preparing to serve missions and earning their young women recognition awards...and they will obviously have dynamic personalities like their mother...and father (I guess I will include you too Greg)

happy birthday Emily. Rock on 2000.(that is starting to get lame...but Brock is still hot)

book signing

ok...so let's continue on with last Saturday's happenings.

um so the book signing was out of control. I would say Glenn Beck probably signed 1000 books that day. Here Joette and I are asking the worker lady for another Christmas Sweater book. Deseret Book was jammed pack full of die hard talk radio Glenn Beck lovers. There was for sure a certain energy floating around Deseret Book that day. Everyone was holding the red and white book- some were even holding 5-6 copies to be signed. The book signing line wrapped around the store and out into the mall. But then occasionally you would find someone with their eyes wide open wandering around the store looking at all the people saying "Who is Glenn Beck? Should I know who this guy is?"



Ok so Glenn Beck arrived at Deseret Book to be greeted by a round of applause. He picked up a portable intercom thingy (what is the correct word for those? You know those loud speakers life guards use?) Anyway he was very humbled by the large crowd. He spoke sincerely about the state of our country. He warned us of how bad things are going to get economically. He told us he loved Utah and the people of the Valley and that members of the church will be tomorrow's leaders. (I am paraphrasing big time) He got emotional- he always does. He asked that we would pray for his family and he wasn't sure how long he would be allowed to express his feelings on the air. He also said that love and forgiveness is the only way we can survive in this country. He said he hopes he doesn't make people become haters of the democrat party but to remember the government has corruption on both sides. As time goes on both parties will continue to ignore the constitution and the government will continue to grow bigger and bigger. He said also that he has spoken to several senators and congressmen who believe that Joseph Smith's prophecy that the constitution will hang by a thread in the last days is happening right now...and that we need to unite not divide with our fellow Americans in love and righteousness and to protect our rights. He said a lot more but I can't really remember at the moment. But it was all good and warm Beck stuff.

Here I am waiting...almost my turn! So when it was finally my turn to get my books signed I got so dang excited!! I said, "Brother Beck!!! It is so nice to meet you. I just want to tell you thank you for what you do. I listen to you all the time and I believe a lot what you say is true. I get it. I get it. (He always says on the air that he wishes people could just "get it") He was smiling of course and sort of chuckled at my "Brother Beck!!!" He said thank you back and said, "will you please pray for my family" and I said, "yes"

 

 

 

 

and that was it...nothing too special- but I couldn't stop smiling! I met Glenn Beck!

It was great to see all the people out there who are passionate about their country in a Glenn Beck sort of way- I now feel like there is a army out there stronger than I had imagined. Many people are ready to move forward with doing what is right, standing up for our beliefs, protecting our country from the inside out.

So I love love Glenn Beck. I think he is really funny. And funny people are like April magnets. I love how he tells the truth. He doesn't favor anything except what is right...and I admire him. His conversion story is powerful too. I actually wanted more from the book- more juice- more drama- more dragged out change stuff...but I think it is quite perfect for those out there who have never really understood the atonement and who have no clue how to escape their yuckies. I absolutely love the influence Glenn Beck has on those who are outside of the church.

But on the way out of Deseret Book, I noticed a book on the shelf. No one was buying it. I kind of just had this little tiny thought way down that something was a little off...

I saw the new book by the apostle Elder Jeffery R. Holland "Broken Things to Mend" and I knew that whatever was written in that book covered what the Christmas Sweater had to offer plus 100 times more...and suddenly I wished in my heart that thousands of members were lined up to buy that book also...or instead.

so hint hint Santa...what a good book to have on my dresser next to my bed...hmmmm

JANNA!! Thank you for being our personal professional photographer and getting every shot possible of glenny.

or I could say

or I could say to Glenn Beck today

"You sign my book and I'll wear your Christmas sweater"

LOL

I am so excited to see him today. This is like meeting Brad Pitt for me. ok that is a bad comparison but you know what I mean.

AHHHHH and then Joette, Janna and I are going to Ikea for some Swedish meatballs.

glow meter

I found my wallet. Well I didn't find it, but it is no longer lost.

I prayed that honest hands would find it and lucky lucky me- some high school student found it in the Burley High School gym and turned it in with nothing missing. I love honesty!

It was that darn Farm Craft Sale I tell you. Thanks Marne and Tiff for being concerned and for helping me look for my wallet.

I lose a lot of stuff. dear me

So...I love love love to listen to Glenn Beck. I am now trading my Oprah time for Beck time and trust me- it is a lot more fulfilling. Nice ssssswitch April!
And I get to meet him this weekend- at his book signing.

I can argue with Rush Limbaugh- he just seems stressed you know? I picture him sitting in his studio sweating profusely as he thumbs through all his papers. He is so full of democratic hate that it's just so exhausting-

and Sean Hanity makes my blood curl the way he interrupts everyone all the time- and he yells...all the time- so I could care less if I agree- I rarely watch or listen to either Rush or Sean...



...anyway but Glenn Beck is just different- He is very funny for one thing and I swear he tells jokes that only him and I get -ok I know he makes other people laugh too--but I just love his humor- and I also feel that he is right. He speaks a lot of truth. I can feel his purpose in this world on a far larger scale than just a radio/TV show guy. With my little pockets of discernment I would say Glenn to be a sincere real good person. I have a glow meter and it says he glows. Have you noticed this before in people?

I am sure many of you disagree about Glenn Beck- but...really?? really??

Chay glows too. I know when people glow. LOL- ok so

So what should I say to Glenn Beck when I see him this weekend? On the paper route I sometimes pretend to have conversations with people. Do you guys do this too when you're alone? So this morning I was thinking of the perfect one sentence to say to Glenn Beck as he signs my book...

um...how about

"what's up Glenn?" ok that's retarded

"Do you know you have nice eyes?" oh my, who will give me money if I say this?

with American Flag in hand, "I have the first 10 lines of the constitution memorized. Do you want to hear it?" ok I am just being funny obviously- but I think he would be impressed.

How about just a

"thank you for defending the constitution, standing up for what is right, not being afraid to talk about religion and God in the media, calling out on what republicans and democrats are doing wrong, helping those who have forgotten what freedom means and for reminding us that hatred gets us nowhere." ok I obviously won't have time to say this- and I will probably just get giddy and nervous and politely smile as he signs my book.

I am so excited. Who wants to go with me?

You should really listen to

THIS

and watch this



and part 2



and I know most of you don't have time and you are cruising through your blog reading as fast as you can but oh this is another good one.

Tiffani- here is another one for you



My favorite line from this clip "I don't care if there is Kool-Aid down in the basement, I'm drinking it"

Elder Joseph B. Wirthin

I can't believe Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin passed away. He was my mom's favorite. Every time an apostle dies I get this "oh my gosh- our world will miss your strength" feeling.

I know it is all a part of the plan. I know the apostles are called of God. They were prepared for us to lead us and guide us in these last days. I know there is another faithful servant who will soon be called to the quorum of the twelve. I am so grateful that the Lord's work is continuous and forever the same. We will miss you Elder Wirthlin. I will miss your words.

Here is an excerpt from a talk he gave at BYU-Idaho when I was attending school there. I will always remember this talk and how I felt he was talking directly to me:

"If you have ever felt inadequate, if you have ever felt that you don’t have the inherent capacity of others, if you have ever felt that no matter how hard you try, you are never good enough, I have a word of advice for you.

Your life is not a race.

You are not competing against anyone else for entrance into the presence of our Heavenly Father.

The plan of salvation is not a reality show where you have to beat out other contestants to win.

I have more good news. As long as you seek to grow closer to your Heavenly Father and your hearts and spirits are contrite - as long as you repent and strive in faith to overcome weaknesses - you will be rewarded by our Heavenly Father.

Our purpose in this life is to fill our minds with all truth and our hearts with the Spirit of the Lord that we may become more holy and, more like those great souls who preceded us. As we learn and apply the principles of the Gospel in our lives, the atonement of the Savior will cleanse us of iniquity enabling us to live in peace and righteousness in this world and in glory throughout the worlds to come.

Our task is not in one day to become perfect, but to grow a little more perfect every day. Even if it’s only a small step, the important thing is that we keep walking forward, each day getting a little closer to our glorious destination." ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

“A More Excellent Way”
Brigham Young University-Idaho
Man of Excellence Fireside
February 13, 2005

My favorite line in this talk was: "The plan of salvation is not a reality show where you have to beat out other contestants to win."

I hate reality shows

HERE is his last conference talk "Come What May, and Love it."

on the route

ok what do you know, Chay is a better paperboy than I am a paper girl.

He can get both routes done in 1 hour. I secretly try to beat his time every morning but I have only come close by 10 minutes or so. I do dink (or is it) tink around too much and sometimes I sit in my car and wait for a commercial break if I am listening to Talk Radio. I love talk radio.

On Sundays we go together- all 4 of us. The papers are too heavy and would take 1 person 3 hours and so Chay drives and I walk...and we are always in a bad mood when we start and we are almost always in a good mood when we finnish. We let Kenzie deliver a paper on the porch of the last house. She gets so excited and proud. If she only knew how uncool it really is to have a paper route- actually it isn't uncool- it has been a blessing to be honest. I love all the thinking I get done in the morning-

So what would the paperboy nickname your house if you knew...he was nick naming your house-

Chay and I are more visual than numerical when it comes to memorizing the houses on our route. You give us a number of a house and we have to refer to the map almost always. But if you say something like, "the house that still has it's Halloween decorations up with that black goblin ghost thingy whose head is falling off" we instantly know what house we are talking about.

The homes on our route:

The Tea Party House -these people have 2-3 cute tables set up with chairs always in their front yard- like they have daily tea parties or something- when Chay is tired he calls this house the "Tea Cup" house- whatever

The Obama House- they have a "Obama for President" sign in their front yard that is practically the same size of their home- ok not really- but it is huge...and no worries- this man is the nicest man ever- He is very kind and wakes up early to tip me sometimes. He gives me $10 every month! thank you for spreading the wealth sir.

The Stressed out Mom House- this house has a huge suburban parked in front with a "soccer mom" sticker on the back windshield. There are toys everywhere on the lawn. There are always things like baseball bats and dog dishes on the front porch and not that I peek in the windows but their basement is stacked with laundry all the time (I sort of glance inside windows from time to time)

The Cat House- me who doesn't like cats- really loves this cat.

The TV House- always always on- I have never seen this TV off. Never. No lie. This man loves his TV. Maybe silence makes him feel uncomfortable- I wait for the morning to tell Chay the TV was actually off. We look forward to this day.

The Smoke House- This house smells like cigarette smoke. You can start to smell it when you get about 10-15 feet from the porch. Sad

The New Porch House

The Comcast House

The Castle House- There is a Cinderella suite or something- beautiful big house

The Pot House- They actually don't get a paper but I cross their lawn everyday and I think, "I swear everyone who lives in this house smokes pot"

The Over Done Christmas Decoration House- self explanatory

The University of Utah House

The Spanish House

The Sheriff's House

Brother Drapers House. You know you're in Utah when you yell to Chay while he is driving- "You get Brother Draper's house and I'll get the one on the corner" or "Did you get the House to the family who spoke in Stake Conference?"

The Lady Who Gets Scared House- This lady always gets spooked no matter what when she sees us so early in the morning.

The Holland Lady's House- Don't know if she is from Holland or not but I just really love her foreign accent and so I just say she is from Holland...I like to say the word 'Holland' in a Holland accent. Try it.

The Mexican Who Likes Geese House

The Coupon Lover House

The 4 Wheeler House- Chay named this one-obviously

The Dog House- no matter how quiet you throw or place the paper on the porch these ravaging ruthless mean barking dogs attack and slobber all over the door- from the other side thank goodness- and I am just so grateful there is a door that is keeping our worlds separated. I love fences and doors.

The Rug House- this lady has like 5 rugs stacked up on top of each other. Why? I really don't know. She likes rugs.

The Subaru House

The landscaped House

The $20,000 Waterfall House

The Natural Gas Car House

The Cookie Cutter House- there is nothing wrong with this house- everything is perfect, the lawn, the landscape- no cars in the driveway, no clutter, it is almost weird- I think I would rather have tea parties on my front lawn than have this boring perfect looking house-(isn't it funny how I am totally judging these people by their homes- and I really have no clue who they are- it is fun though. You should try it)

well I can't think of anymore- most of the homes are pretty basic and boring to remember anything about them- like my house- but that is probably a good thing.

so...

so...I have been doing really well with keeping my priorities in line- for a couple of days (except yesterday...and today ugh) I have told myself no computer, no tv, no phone (sorry Emily)...and you know what is funny? My girls are so much better behaved when they don't have to fight for my time...so that is good. I don't feel it is fair to their time either to see their Mom preoccupied with things that really don't accomplish much- Do your kids go buck wild the minute you pick up your phone to talk? Anyone??

Chay and I went shooting for our anniversary. We decided to try out our new gun. I love telling people we went shooting- just to see their reaction mostly. Some say "wow that is so cool, we should go together some time" and some will just give that awkward you're crazy look, and others will disagree completely- and so it is sort of entertaining.

well anyway so...um I can't believe how scary it is to shoot a 9mm.

The best part about buying ammunition and shooting at the club is the fact that I am always carded. I accidentally forgot my drivers licence on Saturday and the guy at the shooting range told me I couldn't shoot anyway because I was under 21. I had to giggle about that when I corrected him and told him I was 29. I then told the guy Chay and I had two girls at home and that I am as innocent as they come "please let me shoot" He let me in. I felt flattered for a second about being carded until I glanced at the rest of the ladies who were in line to shoot. They were gruff hardcore flannel never worn mascara type ladies- and here I was wearing big earrings and actual fitting clothes- The ladies in line probably all had a nick name for me I am sure.

so when I first shot the gun I about died...I was taken back, kicked back, hurt my back- when I pulled the trigger for the first time. I couldn't believe the power- holy crap. I instantly felt respect for the weapon and I knew that responsibility was key in owning this thing.

I almost started to panic a little and my heart started to race. It was like the loudness and jolt of the gun threw the beating pattern of my heart off and I started to get pains in my chest. I just couldn't believe it. Chay was just laughing at me...it was kind of scary. Chay taught me how to aim the gun at the target. My target was an outline of a man and Chay told me to aim for the number 5 which was placed exactly in the middle of the target man's head. (I know- how bad can this get right?) but it is ok- I realized that I could one day save my children's life or my own for the matter and BOOM I put a bullet hole right through the number 5.

I honestly hope I never have to use the gun in self defence...but shooting was kind of interesting and I will probably go again- just so I can get rid of the jitters.

So whatever doubt some may have about guns- they are legitimate doubts I am sure- but I just trust the 2nd amendment and know the constitution was inspired and it is ok- it really is-

I hope Bryon reads this post. He would be so proud of his little sister.

5 years ago today

how about some wedding photos?



5 years ago today I woke up without a worry in the world.

ok let me rephrase that- I woke up to Joette by my side. The night before she got this sweet crazy idea that we should sleep together as sisters "one last time" before I get married. I wasn't dying or moving across the world but we did share a bed growing up and so I took her sleeping together request to be loving and sentimental- but she had some bizarre dreams that night- and she talked in her sleep the whole night and kept stealing the covers saying over and over in her sleep "I am sooo cold...it is sooo cold" only to wake up the next morning not remembering a thing...

ok so despite the sour start...November 22, 2003 was one of the most peaceful freezing days of my life. I felt beautiful and confident. I knew I was going to marry Chay. It was the obvious perfect next step in life...and the spirit confirmed it over and over.

My hairdresser kept asking me if I was nervous. "not at all" "not at all? Are you sure?" "you need to meet Chay Eileen...you would know if you met him"

I am a "kind of all over the place" type person. I am genuine, love people, kind and the sorts- but when it came to liking men I was sort of displaced. I was kind of set in who and what type of guy I wanted to marry--so when I met Chay for the first time (in Portuguese class after the mission at BYU-I) I just knew he would be one of my "buddies" for the semester and nothing else. To be honest I was kind of stupid to not realize that this soft, funny, sincere, humble, respectful guy would be anything less than the perfect match for me.

While I was seriously dating a strong willed meant to be successful guy who seemed to control the universe, Chay and I steadily became good friends. I was on the look out to marry some big buff pre-law type personality who I could discuss politics, nature and psychology with- and so I almost married this someone who supposedly fit my perfect profile...and during all this drama, Chay was just there...apart of my life and patiently allowing the best of life to happen all on its own.

I knew Chay liked me. I could tell by the way he always wanted to be with me. He even asked me to Homecoming and I had to tell him no- I was already committed to someone else at the time. Chay was calm and respectful as I juggled through what I wanted. We would study together and laugh- play guitar and take walks. We always made sure we were in the same study group together. Everyone knew if they could find Chay they could find April. But I was distant when it came to romantic feelings and Chay never once tried to pull anything flirty on me- He knew me already- his steadiness and his non flirtiness approach was actually very smart on his part- because through his friendship- and me realizing that this guy likes me even though we have never made out or held hands during a movie (holding hands is definitely a bigger deal than kissing in Rexburg when it comes to "moving on to the next step commitment type stuff") I knew that this guy was the real deal. The real deal. Chay was waiting for me...and he did it respectfully. Which is weird to explain- but I knew there was something different about this guy...

Well we didn't touch each other for a whole semester...but we hung out all the time. The guy I was dating broke things off with me and I was devastated...for a little while. And then Heavenly Father just kind of sort of allowed me to see what has been in front of my face for the last 5 months. Oh and I forgot to add that Chay actually started dating a girl mid semester but it didn't even faze me- He could kiss on her all he wanted to- I knew he would drop her in a second if I told him I wanted to be together...I know that sounds a little egotistical of me...but come on- it was true- you girls know when you've got a hold on a guy.

I can't explain Chay very well. He is just something else I tell you. He is your typical guy- loves 4 wheelers, cars, fixing things, watches pointless movies, eats hamburgers and pizza quite often, loves...me. But he kind of glows if you know what I mean. He gives off this light...and just talking with him for the first time people are suddenly aware of his pureness...He is extremely likable. Everyone is Chay's friend. And although I have my armful of certain friends that I care deeply about, Chay makes armful of friends by the day. He is comfortable around all types of people and he is simple enough where everyone can enjoy Chay on one level or another. He is just this all encompassing loving all people type of guy. He is sincere...and never fake. Are you getting him yet?

So...Christmas break 2002 Chay hugged me for the first time. It was one of those missionary side hugs with one arm. Nothing special...but I loved it. I stopped by his Dad's house on the way back from Utah. He was so excited to see me...and his eye brows had been shaped and plucked (he has monstrous eyebrows) He seemed to be overly good looking to me all of the sudden. A couple weeks later we were driving back to his Dad's house to go snowmobiling. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. I knew Chay liked me a lot and I was afraid to keep things going. He could tell I was apprehensive about everything. He just said, "April, we are going snow machining- that is it- just have fun" I noticed in the truck his amazing profile and sexy jaw line- and I remember thinking "how come I didn't notice that before!" I talked to Chay the whole way and he listened...and well I kissed him the next night.

It was a good kiss...followed by more good kisses.



So we fell in love. He was calming to my "all over the placeness" He kind of just lets me be and lets me figure things out- and at first I didn't like how laid back he was- I was always so sure I wanted someone aggressive and Mr. Powerhouse...but can you imagine if I did marry someone like this? Oh my gosh just imagine the fights!!!! My house would have broken doors and punched out holes in every wall.

Chay is a powerhouse. He is. He is a spiritual powerhouse who relies on the spirit to direct his choices. He loves. He is full of love. He fasted and waited until we we were sitting together in the celestial room at the Idaho Falls Temple to tell me he loved me. We went out to the sand dunes late one night to look at the amazing stars (stars are much better and brighter out in the middle of nowhere)and he said as we were laying there, "this is how I know there is a God"

When we were dating it was like a "coming home" type feeling. I never had to worry about impressing Chay and trying to constantly win him over. He was mine and I was his and no matter the quirkiness in each other we were already committed. We didn't have any huge discussions on what each other wanted and expected from each other- it was just comfortable. It is good to remind myself how I felt when I was getting ready to marry Chay. Sometimes when life takes a turn and children pop into the picture, it is easy to forget the qualities, the talents, the love Chay possesses as a human being- who he is- He really is remarkable.

Minutes before we were married, Chay and I sat together in the celestial room- just waiting to be sealed. We were sitting there on the couch giggling about who knows what...and then he really started to laugh "April...you have some carrot in between your front teeth...you ate carrots for breakfast?" He still had much to learn about me didn't he? What a funny moment that was-

Sometimes I will think, "how did I end up with this guy? We are so opposite!" We really are. I love to watch the news- He would rather watch the Simpson's (we both love The Office however) I would rather walk and hike, he would rather ride his 4 wheeler. I like to analyze, He likes to fix things right away. I would rather just talk about the gospel, he would rather just get his home teaching done, I eat spinach and soy, he eats pizza and jalapeno poppers. I like to go to bed early- him late, I like art and philosophy, psychology- he could really care less. I like Alanis Moresette, He likes Butt Rock from the 80's...

I could go on and on.

But you know, He is just what I need. I hope I am just what he needs...but he allows me to be me. I know if I could just understand myself more and get over my own insecurities, Chay would continue to allow me to grow and expand to who I could truly be. He does not ever hold me back. He believes in me. He always tells me, "April you need to make a CD with your music" or "April, you need to write a book" "April maybe you should get a job at night so you can get out of the house more" "April you are an amazing teacher" When he says things like this- my heart melts and I know that regardless of how different we are- together we can create a synergy that is full of potential- we can do amazing things together. I know we can- we are still trying to figure that out- but I know we can.

Things are bumpy of course and in my irrational thinking sometimes I just want to runaway and give up...but those thoughts have never lasted more than 20 minutes- because Chay will go and do something wonderful and he will interrupt my negative thinking-He always does that. Even when I want to be mad at him I can't. He is so patient with me when I am mean and rude. He knows I am upset when I shut drawers a little harder than normal- and he adjusts quickly to my attitude- He is really amazing that Chay Clark.

There is a lot of truth to the whole concept that freedom makes you thrive and grow where security can do the opposite and impede all that is good and necessary in a person and in a relationship. I think it is pretty self evident to me that I chose freedom- I really did..as cheesy as that sounds- yeah that sounds cheesy. Chay will make fun of that one...oh well.



ok well Happy Anniversary to us- many more to come. I love you Chay. I love you so much. I love you. I am so grateful to have you. It's ok that you hide dirty dishes in the oven and leave empty pizza boxes in the fridge. Your pickle breath is tolerable too. You mean so much to me- to many more great years together.

my laundry/foodstorage/craft/april's room

So we actually started this project in May.

About a year ago I snagged free kitchen cabinets and counter tops off of KSL (website here in Utah- similar to Craig's list) The funny thing is- is that I kept saying "hmmm I need to get free cabinets somehow and paint them white for my laundry room." Chay would say, "good luck with that one" well what do you know? I was the lucky first caller when a nice family posted their kitchen cabinets and counter tops for free on KSL. The cabinets were semi-old but I knew they would look great with new hardware and painted white- (my dream kitchen is a white kitchen...white cabinets...big windows...big island...someday.) anyway the funny part about getting these cabinets was the sticky note left on the face of one of the cabinet doors. I left the sticky note on there for awhile- just to giggle when I saw it. We can all mostly relate can't we?

...and then the annoying big space taker cabinets sat in our basement for a good while and then...Mom...oh Mom called one day and said, "I'm coming down for 2 weeks- let's finish your laundry room" and so this room actually has bittersweet feelings when I walk into it. Bitter because there is usually laundry all over the floor and also sweet because Mom helped with so much of it...and she was even moving slow but with her help we accomplished so much- ok so here are some before pictures of the room. This room was disgusting. It was just cement floor and had these homemade poorly done type work benches randomly placed- there were 3 different types of cupboards that were all broken and nasty...we seriously threw everything extra in there and it was like war trying to do a load of laundry. So...got to love "this old house"- oh and please don't mind the mess- this is really bad messy bad- but they are GREAT before pictures wouldn't you say?



ok and here are some pictures of the work in progress

There are a lot of pictures of Chay...but I seriously worked as hard or maybe even harder on this project than he did. In fact Mom and I did a lot when he was at work. I was the one who always wanted to take pictures...ok I just had to say that- I need to take some credit- just because my husband is Mr. Hot Home Handy Improvement Man...ok so he is making silly faces in these pictures- but you all know he is hot.

and here is is a really funny video- and yes we were doing this project during American Idol season...so obviously only during commercial breaks would there be any sanding of the cabinets-



and some more pictures- here is a shot of some of the counter tops- these were practically brand new- I know they are dark which was more the reason to paint the cabinets white...







Here is Mom- she loved to do home improvement projects- she loved to work!...she is making a silly face too- can't you tell how excited we were to do this? It actually got old really fast...



and here we are laying the floor- which is just linoleum- but so many people asked us if we tiled the floor- this was so easy just stick and lay- and it was only $.52 a square yard- CHEAP!



ok and here are the after shots...just so you know this project actually isn't done yet- there are touch ups to make, cracks to fill, trim around window, curtain to make, more shelves to build, holes to patch, barstools to buy- but it will all be done with time- I LOVE this room. It is so functional...it is big and spacious, it has tons of storage and working space for crafty things (I actually haven't done anything crafty in it yet but I have space now if I want to)- all my wheat, rice, milk and beans fit under the stairs- there is storage space for my food- and we even put in a little chest freezer which comes in handy...anyway so enjoy enjoy

every little moment

well...I have been busy.

I'm not really in the mood to blog lately- isn't that weird? I am just kind of preoccupied with holidays, sick kids and husband, paper route, calling, Chay's calling, sleeping more...

plus I haven't been in the best mood lately- and I find it dangerous to blog during those times. You see, I usually figure things out with time- and with some processing and thinking- things balance themselves out and everything is back to normal and ok- and then I can write about what I have learned through my drudgery rather than have paragraphs and paragraphs of blubbery complaining rude unfair saga stuff...

I think it is grieving.

I was telling Tiffani- (Tiffani with an i) the other day on the phone that I think I am grieving over Mom but having a hard time recognizing it while I go through it. It isn't like this obvious pain like a sore throat and you would do anything in the world to get rid of it (I hate sore throats) but it's like this underlining dull emptiness that can't be felt or explained through words. I go about my day doing what April always does but I feel a little agitated maybe- a little less patient- a little hollow. I knew for at least 2 years my mom would die from cancer.- But whatever I once knew before- I sure didn't ever know this- this missing, this pain, this awkwardness of not having my Mom around. I guess I wasn't prepared for this after all.

So I go three or four days of just being and functioning just fine without Mom- and then suddenly I will have this major crying meltdown- the kind where you breathe deep and tears literally stream down your cheeks and you feel an indescribable pain seeping out of you somehow- it is moments like these that I know the body and spirit are so closely linked...after the tears are gone I almost feel grateful for a body that can let it all go...

I have a testimony. I believe in the Plan of Salvation. I just miss her...a lot. I know Mom is in a great place. Too great of a place- she seems really distant and busy. Joette has agreed that Mom feels far away- kind of like the years she taught seminary. She was so engaged in teaching her students and prayed so hard to teach with the spirit- that we all kind of just rejoiced in Mom's dedication and knew her "awayness" from the family was a good thing-

Mom where are you dang it?

Can you believe I was actually angry for a couple weeks? I was angry and bitter about losing Mom. I would say the dreadful stuff like, "Why did you have to take my Mom away from me Heavenly Father? Don't you know I need her right now?" I even kind of hoped Mom would hear me so I could play the Tomblin guilt trip on her. Oh guilt trips- a sad way of trying to validate ourselves. Our family is a master at this...we even know we do it and it makes us laugh when we catch each other doing it.

So I was angry...but I think that is passing. Now I am just adapting- surviving.
It will all come together somehow. There is much to be learned. I know Heavenly Father is aware of me and my simple small life. My worries are important to him regardless how silly they might seem compared to other people's worries.

My relationship with Heavenly Father is singular and individual...and so are my every experiences here on earth. They are my personal moments that are invitations to grow and learn- all designed by our Father. He is a perfect teacher..and parent isn't he? That is why we never need to compare our sorrows with someone else's. Pain is pain no matter the circumstance, pride involved, sin, mourning, love, tragedy, missing, addiction, joy- it is all pain and in some perfect way it's all here to teach us, stretch us, mold us into who we can become or who we really are- all we deal with everyday are baby steps I am sure- but as a whole- our whole life experience will one day be understood and we will finally see the reasons behind every little moment and step of life-

well that was positive- I better end here.

good night.

my color connection

The Ultimate Color Test

When you are at peace, you are: Thoughtful and sensitive When you are moved to act, you are: Courageous and resolute When you are inspired, you are: Flexible and experimental When your life is perfectly balanced, you are: Connected to nature and the world Your life's purpose is: To reach enlightenment

The Ultimate Color Test

what board game are you?

What do you think? Am I really Boggle? I don't think I have ever played this game before? I remember playing Sorry and Monopoly when I was little with my sister and friends and I would get so mad I would take the board and flip it- pieces flying everywhere- and then I would run downstairs into my bedroom and slam the door.

Do you remember those days Joette?

It is very true that people can change.

I was the worse poor sport in the world.

so back to this test: Click on the link below and take the quiz yourself if you want and please share- or even better- post it on your blog.

You Are Boggle

You are an incredibly creative and resourceful person. You're able to dig deep and think outside the box to get things done. You are a non linear thinker. You don't like following directions You draw your inspiration from the strangest places sometimes. You're constantly inspired.

What Board Game Are You?

the heidi life

oh what it would be like to live the Heidi life.

This book makes me giggle when I read it to Kenzie. It really is kind of a nice happy go lucky kind of book- but when you take the words out of context and just repeat them throughout the day at random times, it can be really hilarious. Whenever Kenzie is having a bad episode I tell her, "the mountains will make you well, yes they will"

I love children's books...and there might be some truth to that goat milk.

Here are my most quoted lines from the book

"Every day Clara drank great bowlfuls of sweet goat milk. "This is so good," she sighed, "and I am so hungry! At home I never like to eat!"
"It is the healthy mountain air," smiled Grandfather""

and

"And Heidi kept dancing around them both, singing happily, "I knew the mountains would make you well! I knew they would make you well!""

flowers and a 9mm pistol

so look what came along with Fall! My boring bushes turned a fire red and then the mums...the beautiful mums just came out of nowhere. I recommend planting mums for those who are having a hard time saying goodbye to summer's flowers- these mums have been seriously so delightful in the glum deadness of early winter-

and with that- another thing that makes me smile- we bought a gun.

I come from a gun family. Dad has his share of rifles and pistols, Mom loved to go shooting- Bryon has more guns than anyone I know-

Chay and I have been wanting to get one for awhile. After we read in the paper on Saturday that the gun shops were almost completely out of their inventory, we decided to join in and get a gun- before they get too expensive from supply and demand and/or laws changing in the future to increase taxes or outlawing the right to purchase one - I am glad that Chay did his research and that we already knew what we wanted- because when we walked into the store there were at least a hundred people all looking at guns and deciding which one to buy. There were families, children running around, teenagers, Dads, Moms- all there to buy a gun- not these freaky criminal type people or gang member look-a-likes but just normal everyday people who are concerned about their rights. I don't know why but I got a little emotional as I watched all these people doing their part to protect their constitutional rights...and it's not just in Utah it is everywhere- just google "increase in gun sales" and you will see what is happening all over the country.

...and as I continue to disturb more and more of my readers with my strong opinion- it is ok- the gun is hidden in a very safe place- far from the youngsters. Although I think Chay and I will take it to the range this week to test it out.

so mums and guns...