where are you going April?

(I am in the process of making my blog into a book...a book just for me, so I don't expect you to delve into the long posts...this is a journal entry more than anything.)

Where is the month of April going? Come back! I'm not done reclaiming April in April.

May....hmmm...I can always continue....Makeover May...yes Makeover May

ok so the rundown on the reclaiming April in April ordeal

I have been a complete mess since Mom died.

I am very good at hiding it, unless you're Chay, unless you're around at 2 in the morning and my pillow is wet from 3 hours of crying...

Can I blame it all from Mom being gone? Not really. My tears and discouragement aren't always motivated by Mom's death- I mostly just feel out of touch with reality, anxious, overwhelmed, inadequate, disappointing...but it all seemed to boil over into a heap of yuck right around the time I said my last goodbyes to Mom. Something literally changed inside me when I saw Mom lifeless and mom-less on her hospice bed. It wasn't like this big snap...but more like a dull wearing away at my soul, my love for life, my happiness. Don't get all freaked out, I still come across as the usual "April" and I don't slit my wrists..for attention lol... It's all good. I'm still cool and fun. LOL. Just writing out how I feel sometimes.

We all have bad moments. Behind closed doors and the walls of our home, I believe many, if not most of us have the breakdowns, the give-ups, the lazy unmotivated days where we can't seem to grasp any more concept of life here on earth- but those feelings usually only last a couple days and on we go...fighting and enjoying life. I, however, have had those bad moment feelings for awhile, and I haven't been able to kick it very well. It is more of a battle inside and only evident to those very very close to me...and I usually cope well with... bread and long afternoon naps- which in the end only makes me more discouraged because now I have gained weight, my body aches, and I have wasted hours that could have been spent doing a lot more productive things...

I'm not really sure what is going on. But whatever it is, deep down I believe I still have a choice.

Even though the choice is the hardest thing I have ever done. I also believe deep down that the Atonement can work a miracle in my life. I just somehow do.

Even though I feel so incredibly sorry for myself, and can't seem to make more than the slightest effort to change, and even getting angry with Heavenly Father for taking Mom, and for not always enjoying the challenge of being a mother and wife while being stuck inside a house all day- even with all these feelings, I believe somehow (with the angels' help) that I am deeply loved by my Creator and that the Savior cares about me. Me. April. Me.

It is like I have a concourse of unseen support surrounding me, just waiting, just hoping, for me to get up and get on with this beautiful life. Every time I get angry at how far away Mom feels, I instantly feel her near. She won't even let me doubt for longer than a minute. And then in my prideful thoughts I think, "get away Mom, I'm trying to make a point and feel sorry for myself here"...lol.

and maybe just maybe...all this I am experiencing is life at it's fullest.

I have tried since October to get a grip on life. The long winter was just annoying. Wasn't it?

So I started the whole reclaiming April in April thing- which was more of an open ended prayer...hoping with my little attempts, God would take over. I was inviting change...and I am starting to feel a little better...ever since I told Heavenly Father, "I can't do this anymore, I am disrupting my own life, my husband's, my children's- I am losing opportunities to serve others while I drown in self pity...I am having a hard time even liking myself because everything discourages me...I can't do it...take over please."

Life isn't suddenly bubble gum and Lolly pops, but I am starting to feel somewhat alive again...something is sort of stirring together...hope...nothing noticeable on the outside...but inside mostly...plus there is finally sunshine outside...which really helps.

listen, I truly believe in miracles- I believe that our very own thoughts can change. The atonement can take our most precious prideful possessions and throw them away. It seems impossible because we have certain weaknesses about us that seem to make up who we are- it's like we can't live without some of our sins because we wouldn't know what to do next in life without them. We use them as a tool of survival.

Eating too much, not being able to forgive ourselves and others, talking bad about people, feeling sorry for ourselves, judging others, watching too much TV, spending too much time on the Internet, wasting time in general, being too busy and overloading life with "to-do" lists, criticizing others, putting down others, complaining, being negative, disrespecting the body...all these are manifestations of people just trying to survive...and when anyone is just trying to survive, we should have compassion for them, regardless, because we are all trying to fill that hole...which only the Savior can fill. It is the "whole vs. hole" that we are all trying to figure out on some level...because we are mortal...but I believe that we can overcome our trials feeling "whole" through the Christ.

anyway, so that is a little explaining on why I wanted to do some reclaiming...and that maybe I could possibly turn the vicious cycle I'm treading into something beautiful and plentiful...finding that which was once lost. I remember my basketball coach saying once, "turn your anger into performance"...

I remember right after Mom died I wanted nothing more than to be strong and pure so I could honor her...but then everything kind of fizzled out as reality set in. "I can't talk to my mom. she is gone. I want to talk to her so bad." And then every part of my life started to hurt, not just her being gone- it was like it affected the whole life package...anyone out there relate? Isn't it amazing what effect one person and their death can do to someone? This has been so huge to me...nothing has been this hard in my life- and I have been through a lot of poopy stuff...I really really miss Mom.

so since the month of April is over...May is always nice. I have hopes to have more meaningful prayers and scripture study. A temple visit or two and to start revitalizing this body of mine...get it strong again.

Makeover May here I come...

favorite sport: make the girls laugh

I'm not sure if I should even post this. Everything in this video is out of control. I am out of control, the girl's room is out of control, my girls are out of control, Chay is out of control for filming it...I'm out of control for posting it.

Sometimes it is so addicting to make the girlies laugh. I love it. I am always doing whatever it takes to get them to giggle -(obvious proof from the video). Chay must have been particularly interested in Ju Ju's reaction to her mom's silliness...he kept the camera on her the whole time...cute little ju ju.

after the play time we then of course did our duties and cleaned the room for 2 hours...lol...I'm kidding... Mom would have loved to see this video. My girls have the hardiest laughs....love it.

sugar and glue

To those who were wondering about the "I love Chay" art from the previous blog...um it's not paint or sidewalk chalk...and no Elissa it wasn't found drawn on my front porch although I would rather see that first thing in the morning drawn in sidewalk chalk than...well...you all know the story....

sugar and glue and black construction paper- a very difficult process to manipulate just right...

It was the best I could do to entertain a 3 year old on a cold Saturday afternoon...it was actually kind of fun...try it sometime...it is a great way to rotate your food storage...

The other night Chay and I got in an argument. What? You guys actually argue? Oh please.

Anyway, during the argument Chay jokingly took the "I love Chay" art off the refrigerator and threw it in the garbage as a way of making his point, whatever his point was I can't remember. I took the art out of the garbage and he said, "why are you keeping it?" and I answered, "because I'm sure there is somebody out there who still loves you, I will just give it to them if they want it." Then of course we started to laugh...

It is back up on the fridge...I made Chay a cheesy pre-school art project and Chay rubbed my sore neck for an hour this morning...

good trade.

lyrics of the year

While driving in my car, I heard a song that by far has the most romantic lyrics ever:

"I said shush girl
Shut your lips
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips" ~3oh!3

Have any of you heard this song yet?...oh my.

this was pretty funny to hear, I will admit...

and now it has somehow become a stupid joke in the family...

don't be so emotional

a quote I heard this week- not by a journalist, politician, not the words of Thomas Jefferson either (although this sounds exactly like something he would say)- The quote was given by this lady in Boise who teaches parenting classes. I am listening to her lectures on my Ipod in the morning...

"Teach your children to act on principle and not to react on emotion." ~Carleen Tanner

Isn't that good?

Why did I think about our country when I heard this quote? This neat cozy meaningful common sense quote doesn't just apply to parenting. Do you think the majority of decisions being made in congress lately are based on principle? or emotion?

bailouts are emotion, gun control is emotion, pro-choice is emotion, welfare is emotion, paying home mortgages with tax payer's money is emotion, cheating on taxes is emotion, progressivism is emotion- I mean don't you just want to cry and feel sorry for all these people??? ...Well I sort of do- but I'm not government, I'm a friend. Government will never be a friend. From God, from friend to friend, from church, from community, from private sector to private sector we can help each other out, because that is who we are- don't deny what we can do as an individual- to be charitable, loving, kind, employ-

immorality is based on emotion and morality is based on principle...

I react on emotion a lot. It is like I will forget everything important to me and just want to change my world upside down due to my crazy out of whack feelings I am feeling at the moment.

reacting to emotion can be fatal to relationships, the family budget, the waistline, trust, change, faith

reacting to emotion examples:

yelling at children because you're tired,
impulsive spending "Those pillows would look so good in my living room",
Forcing your idea on everyone around you
Stop going to church because someone offended you
saying yes to everything- in hopes to get approval
enabling others instead of teaching others,
"I had a hard day, I deserve to eat this",
"I can always pay it back later",
Doing favors to only those who will praise and support you
finish blog post before changing your child's poopy diapers. oops.

acting on principle: answers to the "reacting to emotions" statement above: oh and this isn't me answering these examples- oh no no no- I only wish I could be so rooted in principles like this...I'm trying.

"I'm tired, don't take it out on the kids"
"These pillows are not in my budget. I will survive without them for now. But they are awesome pillows."
"Everyone has the choice to make their own decisions. No matter how strongly I believe in something, it is still wrong to force and control one's belief's."
"God is perfect, people aren't."
"I can't go to the reception tonight, I really need to go home and watch The Office with Chay"
"Mama ain't making your bed for you no more- who's gonna make it when you're 40?"
"Cookies only make me feel good for a minute, and then the guilt sets in... it's not worth eating just to numb out temporary feelings...but they do look dang good."
"Debt is not good. Prophet said so. Makes sense to me. Everything bought with credit, isn't really mine right?"
"I will serve my fellow men so that I might serve God. Period"
"There is more to life than blogging...(and facebook)."

What is principle? Truth. Deeper meaning. Can't be altered. Is not influenced by cultural trends or evolving ideas.

So when George Bush implemented "No child left behind" he was reacting to emotion "oh my gosh our education system is in trouble, I think I will just take power away from the states and do my own thing and spend lots of money on education" If he had acted on principle he would have said, "Education was not intended to be under the federal jurisdiction, but that of the states. The more local the government that oversees education, the more education will improve. Give the power back to the states."

Bush also bailed out the banks...which was emotional thinking "oh my gosh, the country will collapse! We can't go through a depression again. I have to be in control to save bad business. We can't let bad business fail. We can't let people get kicked out of their homes when they can't afford it anymore, I will just butcher the free markets to save the free markets" Principle thinking: "We need to be strong as a nation, hold our breath, and let these companies fall. Capitalism, like anything else, has its bad moments, but it will re-sprout, we will survive, businesses will learn, we will not interfere- for it is not our place to do so. We are a free country. As a government we will allow the system to play itself out." Can you imagine such a president? Sounds like Reagan. We would definitely see some hard times, but it wouldn't be prolonged like it will be now.

Um...so you can only imagine what I have to say about Obama...who claims everything is Bush's fault, which it may be, but why is he doing everything Bush did only steroid style...and yet he supports abortion, embryonic stem cell research,... I won't even go there- I'm too tired.

ffffff

beautiful to Him

reclaiming...

So this song speaks right to ME. Joette introduced me to this song when she came up for a visit. We sat down at the piano to sing it and I couldn't hold back the tears. "Where in the heck did you get this song Joette?"

It was like the composer/writer of the song sat down one day and said, "the other night I had a dream about a girl named April Clark and in the dream I was able to read her heart and mind- and understand what strength she needs right now in her life...and, so I think I will write a song for April- for a reminder, for strength."

I play and sing it several times a day. My fingers are a little clumsy as I attempt sight reading- but I just feel the spirit so much when I sing the song. I might be really daring and ask Brandy, our young women's president, if I can sing and teach this song to the young women- Joette said the girls at girl's camp last year sang this every night- and talked about how powerful it was...oh and the lyrics are wonderful of course but just imagine a gorgeous melody...oh I just love this song. I will sing it for you if you'd like...

Beautiful to Him

So much noise
So much peace destroyed
I can hardly hear the voice
leading me through the void

So much noise
The world's little lies

Destruction in disguise
opportunities to compromise
to make me beautiful in their eyes
but I'm not going to buy
the world's little lies

Cause I define myself
and find my beauty
in the light He gives
I'm refined by His divine intentions
everyday day I live.

It doesn't matter what the world believes
or what they say that beauty means
It comes from within
I want to be beautiful to Him.

He's given me His trust
So I'll be strong enough
To run from a dangerous touch
I don't need that kind of love
I don't need that crutch
He's given me His trust.

I define myself
and find my beauty
in the light He gives.
I'm refined by His divine
intentions every day I live.

It doesn't matter what the world believes
Or what they say that beauty means
it comes from within
I want to be beautiful to Him.

I know how to shine
My life's not really mine
It's not about the worldly climb
It's all about His design

So in His eyes
I want to shine.

Cause I define myself
and find my beauty
in the light He gives.
I'm refined by His divine intentions
every day I live.

It doesn't matter what the world believes
or what they say that beauty means.
It comes from within
I want to be beautiful to Him.

I want to live to have His peace
and feel the holiness He sees.
It comes from within
I want to beautiful to Him.

~Tyler Castle and Staci Peters

honestly

ok so I woke up this morning to find a man's "anatomy" drawn ever so nicely on my front porch.

Sidewalk chalk.

Blue sidewalk chalk,- big, bright blue, detailed- not missing a thing, the whole deal- the whole "stimulus" package. It was definitely "stimulated."

"Look Chay! Look Chay!" I was really mad and disgusted. "Look what some sicko drew on our porch!..I'm calling the police"

I did. They came out and took pictures. Asked questions like:

"Are you in any fights with neighbors?" no, our neighbors love us!

"Any teenagers?" no

"New to the neighborhood?" no

"prank calls?" no

"Any recent activity done outside the home that caused commotion?" Um...we planted fruit trees yesterday???...oh and Chay jack hammered cement in the backyard...you're not saying it could be the jack hammer that made someone want to draw a man's "specials" on my porch...

So yes...what a wonderful Sunday surprise...makes for a good story anyway.

ffff

um...ok I have written like 3 entries today on the tea parties...and then decided not to post them...because I just sounded so frustrated and preachy...when it comes to mainstream media and what all of us "nut jobs" truly stand for...and I really don't like preachy people...and so...I am just going to to leave a cool quote from George Washington.

"Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience."

wow- isn't that good?

ok. I found a follow up that really sums up how I feel. This is from Jonah Goldberg's blog. He talks about the complaints the conservatives have been getting lately- especially all the flack from the tea parties and crazy Texas.

1. All of this tyranny talk is overheated and idiotic.

Well, some of it surely is. But look. According to that reason video I posted below, Americans work an average of 103 days a year just to pay their taxes. If you had to work 365 days a year to pay your taxes, that would be a kind of slavery or indentured servitude, because all of your productive labor would be going to the government. You would have no resources of your own to provide for the life you wanted. Instead the government would provide you not with what you want, but what the government decides you need.

That sounds like a kind of tyranny to me.

And, I think if we had to work 364 days a year it would still be a kind of serfdom (after all, serfs were allowed a little plot of their own). Ditto 363 days, 362 days, 361 days etc. Now, at some point the difference of degree becomes a difference in kind; working one day a year to pay for the government doesn't sound oppressive to me. But it seems to me that it's hardly absurd to think that 103 days a year is too much, or to believe that if that number goes even higher, we're losing something important.

I would also add that it's sort of crazy for liberals to equate government hand-outs (positive liberty, FDR's economic bill of rights and all that) with "freedom" but to equate the desire to keep more of the money you make yourself with greed and oppression of some kind. Money does make all sorts of liberties possible (you have to pay for your megaphone and all that). But government money only pays for the "liberties" the government thinks you should have, and therefore it can determine how you exercise them. That turns liberties into privileges dispensed at the whim of the state.

2. The original tea parties were about taxation without representation, today's spending is the result of Democrats winning elections, so it's taxation with representation.

There's some fairness to this objection. But one response would be that Democrats are tripling the debt, which means that generations of Americans not yet born will be taxed to pay for spending today. That is a kind of taxation without representation.

A second, more political than philosophical objection, would be that today's spending is being achieved under false pretenses. Obama says he's spending this money to fix a crisis, but much of his spending has nothing to do with the crisis but with shopworn liberal action items. However, since Obama campaigned on many of these items, I don't think it amounts to taxation without representation. But it does seem like the sort of duplicity worth a protest or two.

3. These protests are unpatriotic astroturfing by plutocrats.

So much for "dissent is the highest form of patriotism"!

I find it sort of amazing that when groups like ANSWER, a Mos Eisley cantina of America-hating nut cases, take to the streets it's a full-flowering of democracy in action. When ACORN pays their ragamuffins to protest, or when Rainbow/PUSH shakes down businesses through racial extortion, it's the sort of direct democratic action Thomas Paine dreamed of. And when labor unions pay people to protest, it's populist. But when a bunch of independent Americans, talk show hosts and email campaigners organize hundreds of protests around the country, it's astroturfing.

4. Republicans are hypocrites for suddenly caring about deficits.

Well, maybe. But then so are liberals for suddenly not caring about deficits. (That part always gets left out.)


Moreover, I don't get it. Republicans didn't care enough about the deficit when it went up a "little" under Bush (to pay for a war), therefore they can't complain when Obama sends it through the stratosphere (to pay for socialized medicine)? How does that work? If my wife spends too much on a shopping trip, does that mean she can't complain if I lose our house on a trip to Vegas?

5. The populist anger out there is the real face of America's homegrown fascism.

Sigh. While I think Rick Perry's secession talk is idiotic and unfortunate (even accounting for Texas' unique history), I am at a loss as to how any of this stuff smacks of fascism. Even Perry is talking in the context of the federal government doing too much, taking away too much liberty, getting too involved in local communities and interfering too much with the individual.

How do I say this so people will understand? Fascism isn't a libertarian doctrine! It just isn't, never will be and it can't be cast as one. Anarchism, secessionism, extreme localism or rampant individualism may be bad, evil, wrong, stupid, selfish and all sorts of other things (though not by my lights). But they have nothing to do with a totalitarian vision of the state where individuals and institutions alike must march in step and take orders from the government.

If you think shrinking government and getting it less involved in your life is a hallmark of tyranny it is only because you are either grotesquely ignorant or because you subscribe to a statist ideology that believes the expansion of the state is the expansion of liberty.

Update: From a reader:

Jonah, you say:

Moreover, I don't get it. Republicans didn't care enough about the deficit when it went up a "little" under Bush (to pay for a war).

A LITTLE?? COME ON!!

Have a great weekend.

Me: Well, I put a "little" in quotation marks to convey the point that it wasn't literally a little. But it is a little compared to what Obama's deficits will be.

complete inspiration

ok this is a complete inspiration...her whole life she had a voice like this??? She could have been on Broadway- She is this simple unemployed lady from a village in England somewhere who has gone unnoticed her whole life. I love this. I just love it. I love how she blows them away...oh and of course the british accents...I could listen to a british speak all day...

Susan Boyle on Britains Got Talent 2009!! Incredible Voice!! @ Yahoo! Video

fear monger

Preparedness....hmmmmm

I had a dream a month ago that we were in a huge earthquake.

Every building fell except those built by the church. The aftershocks were so bad that we were forced to go out to a field and stay for days while the ground trembled. It was only a dream. I woke up thinking, "man what did I eat before I went to bed last night?"

The next night I dreamed about what I should during an earthquake. I was to push my big heavy duty kitchen table under the main beam threshold of my house and to grab the girls and get under it. I dreamed that dream twice.

So now what? A little spooky I'd say. So I live in an earthquake doom ville state. Now what? Well then I got the idea that I should get earthquake insurance. I called the insurance company and got a quote but then I thought. "Oh April don't be such a fear monger...don't take your dreams so seriously...you did dream a couple weeks ago that you were dating 'Jim' from The Office". Then 2 weeks later, inside the Sunday paper, there was a 20 page pamphlet all about earthquakes in Utah, in the pamphlet it talked about how to prepare, the likelihood, what to do afterwards, which buildings will likely receive the most damage (so happens that brick homes built before 1970 are the ones to be most worried about- oh wonderful)...blah blah

so I called my homeowners insurance the very next day...

My house is insured. Few. That feels dang good.

Now off to getting my 72 hour kit backpack all updated and beautiful...it's almost done...and good thing I am married to a strong survival brute- because the backpack is HEAVY.

reclaiming joy and courage

um...these quotes were very liked by me. I have said this before, but I just feel like if I could somehow have all my favorite life changing quotes blown up and hung up all over the house, I think I would remember better how to handle life more peacefully and calmly.

"Morality is the judgement to distinguish right and wrong, vision to see the truth, courage to act upon it, dedication to that which is good, integrity to stand by the good at any price." Ayn Rand

"Joy is the goal of existence, and joy is not to be stumbled upon, but to be achieved, and the act of treason is to let its vision drown in the swamp of the moment's torture." Ayn Rand

joette

So Joette was here for 10 days. Never got sick of her. Not even once.

Although her visit kind of put the whole "reclaiming" business on hold...or in whatever perspective you choose to look at it- made it all the stronger, more colorful, more detailed...what is reclaiming anyway?: Finding that which was once lost?....Ok so Joette's visit then actually fit nicely in the "reclaiming April in April"...the first few days we ate hummus, sprouted wheat and lentil tortillas, almond butter, avocados, and acai juice, but then the late nights and early paper route mornings caught up with me...so I caved in and ate Easter candy and Easter pie and Easter mashed potatoes...(Holidays have such a bitter opposition sometimes)

But if you wrap up the past 10 days into one experience, and watched it as a movie, you would see that despite the poor food choices....reclaiming, renewing, rejuvenating, relaxing was all done. Thanks Joette.

We went on walks and held hyper Julia on our shoulders.
We watched Chay put in recessed lights in the living room.
We watched Australia 4 times...and practiced our English and Australian accents all week.
Watched conference.
We went on a hike up in the mountains and talked about the power of mind over DNA genetics and men with nice voices.
We went to the temple. Joette almost did a session with her dress on backwards.
We saw our Aunt Linda...who has many the same mannerisms as Mom.
We saw our cousin Vickie. She radiates faith. She told us about one of our ancestors who was blind and serenaded Joseph Smith on Christmas Eve.
We worked on my 72 hour kit together.
We sang "Beautiful to Him" 100 + times at the piano.
We bought fruit trees.
We painted a picture.
We went to Costco whenever we could.
We listened to The Killers. I love the song "Human" now.
We canned some dry pack at the cannery.
We watched the Emma Smith movie. We let Kenzie stay up with us to watch it till 11!
We watched a little Glenn Beck when we could.

Joette fell in love with my girls again. They warmed up to her faster than anyone I have ever seen, besides Mom of course.
Joette held Julia until she fell asleep. (Miracle)

Why I love Joette. Well she's my sister for one- but I really like her -because she is "true friend" material. You can be honest with her and she doesn't get upset. You can tell her your biggest weaknesses and she won't judge you. You can say, "Can I call you back, I don't feel like talking right now" and she totally understands. You never have to doubt Joette's testimony of the Savior and the gospel. She is who she is. She always listens to her gut and acts. I envy this about her. She has no fear when she knows she is being guided by the Holy Ghost.

Joette is so relaxed. How does she stay so even steven all the time? I am like a freaking roller coaster and Joette can handle me so well...she actually calms me.

Miss you Joette. Come again. I think you should move down here by the way.

ffff

um...I don't want to waste a lot of time on the computer. I am having way too much fun wasting time doing other things with Joette.

Sometimes when you think about all that is going on in the country right now- it can be so exhausting. It is.

If you turn on the TV after not watching the news for a week- be careful- you won't even know how to comprehend all the funky things going on. You will be so confused how everything got so jacked up these past few years...

Ever since Bush decided to bail out AIG- the government has basically all gone to power socialism pot.

So what am I going to do about it? Well I am going to a Tea Party on April 15th. Are you going to one? Click HERE to find a Tea Party near you.

I think I want to wear this shirt to the Tea Party. And I think I will buy it a little small- on purpose... and I will wear just a little extra make-up...just so everyone knows, especially the media, that conservatives do not only consist of farmers or senior discounters...yes, there are actually "hip" conservatives under the age 30 (barely) who still proudly cling to their bible and gun. Despite cultural trend or the so called "progressive" movement, there are still those who believe in those old fashion principles of the past...and who so happen to also look extremely well in black. LOL

I need to write a post about "progressives" holy crap- have any of you watched Oprah lately? That lady is tricky. Tricky. I like to call her Miss Flaxen Cord lady.

reclaiming...

reclaiming april in april...always needs a little general conference...which always inspires me to do better- always gives me hope, always convinces me of my worth, always makes me sleepy....LOL. Don't you love how conference comes in the welcoming spring and then in the preparation of a cold winter? April and October. Perfect.

I will have to explain what I've decided this month of April will mean to me...maybe later. Joette is here and so the computer seems to be really lame at the moment. What a drag to be on the computer.

But oh and one more event that took place 3 times by choice (which has nothing to do with reclaiming myself):



Have you seen this yet? Oh my gosh. What a good movie! I laughed and cried through the whole movie- all 3 hours...3 times.

I asked Chay if I could call him "Drover" he said no.

I am freezing...I need some global warming please

fight for freedom friday

so...when I was growing up and going through the dreadful junior high years, the color "green" meant "horny". I know, retarded. Do any of you remember this? It was like the "green" light to hold hands or kiss some random behind the bleachers. "Junior High stuff". The last thing "green" meant was to recycle and buy shirts made out of hemp.

I think this whole global warming thing is an absolute genius idea. I mean seriously, who doesn't love the earth? I personally love to recycle. Our city has an amazing recycling program and it makes it so easy to do- although I do go overboard and find myself searching through all the garbage cans to see if Chay has thrown away anything made of plastic or paper, so I can put it in the recycling bin. It's an obsession of mine.

Recycling is cool. Great program.

Energy. I always turn off my lights when I can. I also set my air conditioner to 82 degrees in the summer- not because of deadly green house carbons going in the air, but mostly to keep my electric bill down.

It is all tricky. When I first heard about global warming, I bought into it so quick. I am a "tree hugger" by heart and I love rivers and streams LOL...and stuff like that. I wear chacos and I used to drive a Subaru. I have "liberal" written all over me.

So, I don't like seeing litter and dirty lakes. Plus I can hardly breathe here in Utah- the inversion here is something else I tell you. I am all about finding solutions to the bad air...

But then I got to thinking a little...If people want to push global warming, let them push global warming- but push it like other causes push their agenda- like when you go to the grocery store and the clerk asks you to donate $1 to the Muscular Dystrophy Foundation, or those marathons that are all in the name of breast cancer- these foundations are making a ton of money to support their cause, yet, you and me aren't forced to contribute to them if we don't want to.

But "Global Warming is killing the earth!!!!! Brace yourselves, we're spiraling out of control...we're on FIRE!!!" really? That is when it has gone a little too far. At first when I saw Al Gore on Oprah I thought to myself, "wow I like the idea of cars running on bio fuel or electricity...and I like how they can make playground equipment out of used tires" it was all a very cool concept at first, but then with time, global warming kind of took a weird twist...a powerful controlling twist.

First of all, Global Warming is a theory. Did you know that? What? No, it isn't, it can't be, everyone knows man is killing the earth. Brangelina even said so themselves.

Weather Channel founder John Coleman has described global warming as "the greatest scam in history"

Award winning Princeton University Physicist Dr. Will Happer was fired by Al Gore because he chose to disagree with Gore's theory.

Dr. Richard Lindzen, who has been Alfred P. Sloan Professor of Meteorology at MIT for over 25 years acknowledged that it took him awhile to realize that global warming was a highly organized political movement, and that opposing it was an uphill battle. He said that it has nothing to do with science.

James E. Hansen, director of the NASA Goddard Institute for Space Studies also disagrees with the theory of man caused global warming.

There are many more...just too lazy to write them all...In fact there was a conference held this year where scientists all over the world met to discuss the fallacies of the man caused global warming theory. Thousands showed up- (sorry I don't have a resource...which makes me not very credible- but the conference was held in New York-just google it)

ok so who cares if there are just as many scientists who don't believe in man caused global warming than who actually support it- who cares? Well theories are fun and all...but now all of the sudden it has become political (well, Al Gore basically started this whole rally- so political from the beginning) but now it is being shoved down our throats as true and we are paying with our own money to support something that isn't necessarily true...and we don't have any say in it.

I don't think we should pollute the air or poop in rivers...but we better pay attention to the ramifications of what is about to happen when we give government control over this issue- because the next issue and the next issue after that- it is easier for government to take hold and take over.

Do your research. It is amazing what you will find. The research on global warming is really intriguing- and both sides of the debate have their facts- but it is far too premature to be making these huge money deficit decisions. I personally do not agree with man caused global warming. If anything it was just a 1990's trend. It is April, and there is snow in my front yard. I actually would like a little global warming right now. I am freezing. Where in the heck is spring?

Everyone wants something to believe in. Global warming is just that something for so many.

If global warming is the priority right now over the economy- watch out. Because everyone will be affected...and if you suck dry the people's prosperity with taxes, expensive cars, jacked up utilities, shutting down coal industries, job loss, higher emission taxes, investing in alternative solutions on the tax payer's back (which don't really work as well), refuse to drill for oil when we all know oil actually works, demand "green" behavior or you'll be penalized. etc.- even the environmentalists, who if hungry and cold will be one of the first to cut down the precious trees and put them in air polluting wood stoves to keep warm.

So the reverse effect will occur. The more prosperous we are, the more we can care about the earth. We would have the time and resources to do so.

If there is a theory with enough evidence to debunk global warming, maybe we should just rely on that theory for awhile, cut taxes, get people working again, and then think about "saving the planet" later.

So I'm not so into "green" if you know what I mean. This is a pure example of: "Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and will lose both.” Benjamin Franklin

the reclaiming2

continues with this:


time to reintroduce the green drink...

and a visit from Joette for 10 days...

and her painting she painted just for me: She felt inspired to share these words with me from the hymn "How Gentle God's Commands"

How gentle God's commands.
How kind His precepts are.
Come, cast your burdens on the Lord
And trust His constant care.

Joette, this painting is so perfect. Thank you. When I told you I didn't want anything on my walls unless it was meaningful to me...you were really listening.

reclaiming april in april

I think it will all start with this quote:

"No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, God will never desert us. He never has, and He never will. He cannot do it. It is not His character. He is an unchangeable being; the same yesterday, the same today, and He will be the same throughout the eternal ages to come. We have found that God. We have made Him our friend, obeying His gospel; and He will stand by us. We may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters; but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and purer for them, if we only trust in our God and keep His commandments." ~President George Q. Cannon

the reclaiming

reclaiming april in april

bite your neck

(oh what a lovely picture to grasp an idea of Julia on a daily basis- don't worry Dad you didn't make her cry, that is just who she is half the time)

Dad came to visit me a couple weeks ago.

It was nice to have him around. There is a sense of comfort when Dad is here. He has known me since day one...so I like the fact that I can be totally myself around him.

I am sure the screaming kids drove him up the wall- but surprisingly he did better than I thought. At least he had Chay to play with from time to time...going to the gun store and fixing cars and such. We always have a car to fix around here.

We went on the paper route together. 4:30 came bright and early. Well not bright- just early. Dad was a paperboy himself in his early years. So he was teaching me how he used to fold papers in the 50's. We both decided that newspapers are bigger now than they used to be...

"Come here I'm gonna bite your neck!" was probably my Dad's favorite thing to say to the girls when he was here. When Julia heard this, who is in her non interpretive stage, would just giggle. And Kenzie who in her overly interpretive A.K.A sensitive stage would grab her neck out of protection and come run and hide under my arm...
Dad, where did you exactly get that saying anyway? Now that I think about it for the first time in 29 years, it is a little disturbing isn't it? oh and I just remembered the other phrase my dad loves to tell little children. "Come here I'm gonna throw you in the oven!."
Those of you from the home front- Calie, Lorena, Joette- you all know Dad's quirky sayings all too well...what entertainment they bring to the family.

I love my Dad. He is so simple. So full of love...and he's got to be the most genuine man out there. He teaches with tough love often yet really he is nothing more than a big teddy bear.

Thanks for coming Dad. I love you.

where are you planted?

I'm going to be in complete denial...and pretend there isn't 5 inches of snow in my backyard.

Because if I dwell on the fact that we are soon approaching the month of April and it looks like we should go caroling or something for family home evening tonight- I am going to freak out. Ok I already have freaked out- more than once. I even tried to blame Chay for the snow- it didn't work.

So as I patiently await for sunshine and vitamin D, I will concentrate on these pictures- which believe it or not were taken a week ago, when we were actually having normal spring weather:

I am not a garden guru by all means. I just try. And plus I think gardens are really cool...so rad.

This year I decided to experiment planting tomatoes and broccoli inside my house to transfer later into the garden outside. When I first planted the seeds I thought "there is no way these little seeds are going to grow" I know, where's the faith. I was sure I would never see anything green popping up from the soil- but guess what????



My little seeds germinated!!! That is a big garden guru word. And one day I went downstairs and peeked into the window seal where my plants are...and what do you know? Green little plants...making their way through the soil....oh what joy.



I'm a sign seeker. Didn't have faith until I saw that the plants were actually growing. Maybe gardening is here to teach me something more about myself than I thought???

ffff

Click on the LEAD button below will ya and look around on the 9/12 project website...and sign up. Read the mission statement first and if you agree- become a member. It is free and you don't have to be overly involved- although it would be nice if you were- but just becoming a member, you are joining an interest group that demands morals and principles to be practiced by our congressional leaders.

The goal is to reach 1 million members by September 12, 2009. Once it's obvious what "We The People" demand and expect from our government officials- once we have a big enough interest group that stands for what the Founding Fathers stood for, there will be politicians with these standards who will want to represent us. Stand up and lead.



Oh and while you are on the website there is a link "Tea Parties" click to see if there is a Tea Party in your city any time soon or on April 15th. The more who show up to these peaceful rallies, the more we are making it clear to government "we ain't kiddin around".

Check out this video: Sometimes I wish I lived in Texas...for this very reason.

Don't mess with Texas.



oh and here is a video from the Orlando Florida Tea Party:

toast

Mom started to lose parts of her mind around the end of August. She died 2 months later on October 16th. She didn't lose her mind all at once. In fact she never ever did forget who we were or who her greatest oldest friends were. But in the beginning first stages she would say things here and there that were totally off and a little "out there" - and that is when it set in that Mom would never be the same again.

We were accepting of Mom not being all there I suppose. I wasn't so much. I hated it to be honest. I even got upset at first "Mom, you are talking so weird. Do you know what you are even talking about?" I was probably rude. Probably one of the many reasons why I cry about Mom being gone. Sometimes I wish I could have been nicer. Any of you daughters out there who tend to be a little snappy every now and then to your Mom- watch out. It will haunt you in later years.

anyway- So when Mom started to do and say things that weren't exactly "her", it kind of made reality set in- in a weird sad interesting kind of way.

But the interesting part about the end of Mom's life is that sometimes her brain would work in full funtion... and she would throw us all off with these deep profound words of wisdom...and sometimes she would try to convince us of something that didn't seem true- come to find out they were true and we would have to ask her for forgiveness for not believing her.

A couple months before Mom died, Joette heard her walking around the downstairs very early in the morning. When Joette found Mom she was in her sewing room walking/wandering around aimlessly.

Joette: "Mom, are you ok?"

Mom: "I want to finish eating my toast for breakfast and I can't find it anywhere."

Joette: "Mom you are downstairs. Your toast is probably upstairs in the kitchen."

Mom: "Are you sure? oh you're probably right. Why am I down here anyway? I am really losing it aren't I?" (with her cute laugh)

Joette made sure she told me this sad but cute story of Mom looking for missing toast- downstairs, in her sewing room, at 5:30 in the morning.

Well about 2 months ago Joette came to visit me in Utah and she brought down all of Mom's sewing stuff- sewing machine, serger, patterns, material, you know- sewing stuff. And what did I find mixed in with the material?

Toast. Old stale half eaten toast.

It was a lovely gift to find. It was so fun to discover the toast- especially since I knew the first half of the story.

Now I am having a hard time throwing it away.

just passionate

I finished up nursing Julia a couple weeks ago...and we moved the rocking gliding chair downstairs last night-

two events that of course brought tears to the eyes.

"I'm not unstable, I'm just passionate" ~Glenn Beck

I nurse my babies as long as I can. It is more about the touch, cuddle, holding, and snuggle than it is about the nutrition.

I can't say it's about the nutrition when I shove suckers and gold fish crackers in Julia's face so she can stop crying in the car.

And what really gets me is that my girls drive me nuts half the time...but I still feel that nursing is a miracle- so perfectly designed.

Julia is a very hard baby. Well she's not a baby- she is 19 months- but she is a very defiant bold loud energetic determined little girl. She screams so loud. I have done everything I could possible do to make her stop screaming but it doesn't work. She makes me cry because she is so impossible. Nursing was such a peaceful breakaway from the constant tantrums, losing her temper and throwing things out of anger. You think I am kidding? She is sweetheart half the time- but the other half...oh boy watch out. When she is mad I have to put her in the crib or she will hurt Kenzie and I. She swings right at your face. She takes cups and throws them off the table. When I put her in the crib she only hurts herself- by thrashing her head against the rails. It is quite the scene.

I remember my mom saying that her 4 children were equivalent to 12 children...and now I am starting to understand what she meant. Church is a nightmare. Kenzie resists going to primary. She cries and cries. Julia got kicked out of nursery last Sunday for the second time. Yes kicked out. The leaders came and gave her to me saying she won't stop crying. After 15 minutes of screaming they couldn't handle it anymore. I don't blame them.

I don't think I am cut out for this.

Anyway so nursing my babies is a beautiful way of connecting and pushing aside all the hard parts of mothering. A "love conquers all" type moment. That is why it hurts to quit.

The rocking chair- which is a piece of crap- practically falling apart- is so sentimental to me. I rocked Kenzie to sleep her first 2 years of life. We had a lot of precious times, songs, stories, conversations in that chair. Julia I didn't rock so much in the chair only because of course she didn't like it. But I learned to nurse her on that chair. Yes, I have had to learn to nurse each of my babies- my first 2-4 weeks of nursing is an absolute hell- but there have been many times that I have held Julia for a good 2-4 minutes on that chair without her freaking out and I think I have read through maybe 2 books with her on that chair- she normally rips the book up or throws it down out of boredom. Nonetheless the chair means a lot to me. Moved it out last night- it just gobbles up so much space in their little room. weep weep.

I really love my children. I feel a lot of guilt most of the time but I just adore their littleness and who they are. Sometimes I feel like I am sucking out their potential and hindering what "might have been" if they were in a different home- with a different mom.

Sometimes I feel like such a loser when I read other mom's blogs. I have been tempted to stop blogging and stop reading other blogs because I just get so wrapped up in what other mom's are doing and what I'm not doing.

Last night I had a breakdown- I was feeling the weight of everything I am supposed to be. I am surrounded by women who are so confident and can handle so much. I suck at being a homemaker. No, I really do. I try. I try all the time- but it does not come natural for me. But I feel so much pressure to be this super woman. I was venting on Chay about all the things I feel responsible for and it opened his eyes I think...

Sometimes I think this is all a big freaking joke. A mean joke. "Let's see how inadequate we can make April feel."

oh, this is totally not mom blog worthy. I am breaking all the rules. Maybe I should leave a quote about being optimistic or something.

How's this:





Being passionate really blows my life out of proportion. I feel every little thing. Sadness, guilt, happiness, sorry, peace -Mom used to always tell me that "much heartache comes to those who feel too much"... maybe I need to relax. Maybe I need prozac.

ffff

There is something in the air. I can just feel it. Maybe I am just starting to pay more attention. I'm not sure. But people are starting to talk more about the country and its destination. And it is exciting. Not exciting that the country's government is going to pot, but that people are starting to wake up and are actually talking about it.

Talk about something in the air- we went to the Air Force Base Museum that is near my house this past weekend. It was packed. People everywhere. I was surprised. Who goes to an Air Force museum for fun... in March?

Look at Ju Ju just staring at that huge aircraft. Holy smokes that plane was huge.

I love museums. I just do. Anything factual, historical...I'm a sucker for- but when it has anything to do with military or with the United States of America- I really like it- and I get emotional- of course.

So the Air force Museum.

We were walking through this gallery of uniforms that Air force soldiers have worn throughout the years. Without really explaining to Kenzie where we were or what we were doing, she just started to ramble off the Pledge of Allegiance. It made me smile to know she clued in on the flags that were on the uniforms. But what made me really smile was this 6'5 huge muscular man with a very short hair cut who was standing right next to us. He was definitely a soldier. He overheard Kenzie's cute attempt at the Pledge of Allegiance and he looked right at me and said very excitedly, "that is so awesome" He looked then right at Kenzie with such admiration and looked at me again for a quick second. We connected. No more words were needed. We both knew we were passionate for our country. His look to me was a thank you for raising children to love this country...and my look to him was a thank you for protecting my family and my country which we both love so much.



Priceless moment. I walked away with the big pounding of the heart- and a little tear.

So- how are you going to fight for your freedoms? Um...start with the family. Well get educated first...with the family. "let's go to the library" Read EVERYTHING. Talk about your concerns first in your home, then with friends, then with strangers at the gym or wherever, and with co-workers, go to Tea Parties (they are being held all over the country) oh not tea parties where you drink tea- the Tea Parties being organized by groups who are fed up with government, write your congress leaders, be affluent in American History...and Pray. Pray...this is God's chosen land. He will listen. oh...and the majority of my friends think I'm a nut job. Some people label me with being all wrapped up in the flag. That is ok. I actually don't even own a flag. Isn't that weird? I want to get one though. I am stereotyped not as a normal citizen should be- but as someone overly involved with current events and politics. Just because I know who Timothy Geitner is? Come on.

But anyway- one day I believe we will thank all those who are standing up right now, today, for our rights and liberties. One day.

oh and here is a cute video. Kenzie has no idea what she is saying. But the soldier at the air force base did. Love this.

read what Joette has to say about ChayMAN

ok one nice thing about marrying Chay is that my family absolutely loves him. He isn't just the "brother-in-law" He is a real good friend to my sibblings and to my dad. Mom loved him too. She knew I was going to marry him before I did.

Read Joette's blog and read her birthday tribute to Chay.

Thanks Joette.

for the record, it's "Chay"

Chay with a "CH"

Like church, choo choo train, challenge, charge, Chia pet "cha cha cha chia"

For some reason, many like to call Chay "Shay".

He is too nice to correct them. In fact sometimes he just calls himself "Shay" so there doesn't have to be a drawn out explanation or conversation about his name.

For example: When I first met Chay. I met him in Portuguese Literature Class in college

April: "Oh by the way, what's your name again?"
Chay: "It's Chay"
April: "Chay? Like Chay?"
Chay: "Yes, like Chay."
April: "Really? Well that's a cool name. I've never met a Chay before"
Chay: "well now you have"
April: "Where did that name come from?"
(here goes the explaining)
Chay: "It's Navajo- it means "friend"."
April: "Oh my gosh, that's cool, it means "friend?" Are you a good friend then?"
Chay: "it's actually slang for "friend"- the real translation for "Chay" is "Grandpa" in Navajo".
April: "oh...Grandpa?"
April: "Are you an Indian?"
Chay: "no, I'm not an Indian. My Dad served a mission on a Navajo Indian Reservation"
April: "ok, well that's cool. so Chay, if you borrow my Portuguese book, when will I get it back?"



Today Chay is 28.

When I first met Chay he was this simple respectful put together kind of guy. He didn't start coming to class with a bedhead until maybe 3-4 weeks into the semester. But still- it didn't really bother me- nor did his red hooded sweatshirt that he wore I think every single day of his life for that first semester.

I didn't fall for Chay right away. But I knew right away I liked to be around him.

One day I came to class with a "moral reasoning quiz". It was a quiz given to me by my psychology teacher. I was supposed to go around and ask random people to take the quiz and then with the results of their answers, give them their score on how high they reason morally. make sense?

Well of course I was intrigued with this and so I took the quiz to my Portuguese class which so happened to be chuck full of boys. I was the only girl. I whipped out the quiz and started asking the boys sitting around me. Chay was one of the boys.

I can't really remember all of the questions on the quiz but I remember one specifically and how Chay answered differently than the others. I barely knew Chay at the time.

"Why do you keep the honor code?" (ok first of all, BYU-Idaho has an honor code. A ton of things contribute to the honor code, but it is mainly a set of guidelines to help the students stay out of temptation and to help promote the Spirit to stay present in the student's lives as much as possible. So the code contains things such as: inside your apartment by 12:00 AM, no boys in the apartments after 11:00 PM, no boys in the bedrooms, no girls in the bedrooms, and so forth

so I ask the boys, "Why do you keep the honor code?"

Boy #1 "Because my girlfriend does" -low points on the moral scale
Boy #2 "Because I don't want to get in trouble" not so many points here either
Boy #3 "What is the honor code?" disqualified
Boy #4 "I don't keep the honor code- that is so lame" um...ok is there a box to check for 0 points?
Boy #5- who happens to be Chay Clark "it's the right thing to do- why would we even have the honor code if it wasn't a good thing?" What? Who in the heck are you?



So you can see why I was so attracted Chay's personality right from the start. I knew from his answer on the "moral quiz" he was either trying to win me over or he was sincere- I think both.

Chay is full of integrity and honesty. He can't lie worth beans. He is full of a conscience that guards him from any ounce of disloyalty. I know Chay will always make good choices. It is such a relief that I only need to worry about myself and not him in this regard.

This is what I most appreciate about him today.

I love you Chay. Happy Birthday. Now you're only a year younger than me instead of two. I know how you love older women.

the chaco chay dilema

If you haven't met Chacos yet...it is time.

My feet beg for them every day.

So we are hopefully at the tail end of a long and cold winter. So you would think I would rummage through the back of the closet to find my chacos...

well actually they never found their way to the back of the closet this winter...they have stayed nicely either on my feet or next to my bed.

I seriously can't live without these shoes. You know the feeling you get after you exercise or the feeling you get after a much needed shower? Kind of like the natural endorphin thing going on?

Well it is safe to say- when I put on my chacos, once my big toe gets under the loop and my heal settles into its resting place which is molded and formed from much usage-...um....the endorphins kick in. And I feel like I can do anything in the world.

LOL, this is making me laugh. Ok the shoes don't have magical powers. But close. Very close.

I won't clean my house without them on. I won't garden or go on walks without them. And they are named Chacos. Not shoes. When I wake up in the morning I call them by name. "Kenzie are you wearing my chacos again?...bring them here please."

So this winter my chacos were ever increasingly comfortable- despite the snow of course. (the more you wear them, the more comfortable they become). Although it is mostly joking around between Chay and I, it is fair to say my Chacos have caused a little disturbance in our marriage.

Chay, "You are not wearing those shoes. There is 2 feet of snow outside."
April, "Yes I am. My feet will only be cold for a minute or so"
Chay, "I hate those shoes"

Chay, "Why do your feet feel like sandpaper?"
April, "They are super dry"
Chay, "Do you think maybe it's because you wear those stupid sandals all year long?"
April, "yes maybe"

April, "My big toe has a crack and it hurts so bad."
Chay, "That is disgusting"
April, "Oh...come on, my feet are just a little dry"
Chay, "When you're not looking, I'm going to hide those shoes"

April, "I love you Chay"
Chay, "You love your shoes more than me"
April, "They're called Chacos...and don't be silly."
Chay, "I love you too."

paddy's day

I'm actually not a big holiday person.

What is up with St. Patrick's day? Am I missing the boat here? I never thought it was that big of a deal. It seems like everyone I chat with has something to say about today being St. Patrick's day. So?

What is the history of this holiday anyway? Is it some pagan twisted tradition blown out of proportion?

ok I just googled it and so maybe it's a more important holiday than I thought...maybe even meaningful for some religions and cultures...sorry to those Irish Catholics out there and to those who have been looking forward all year to making green pancakes for breakfast today.

My poor children. They live in a St. Patrick's day deprived home. How will they ever come out of their childhood normal?

If you want to see an amazing mom in action you must visit
Tami's blog and see...how amazing she is as a mommy. She has done something exciting for her kids every day this month in celebration of St. Paddy's Day. She has called it "Lucky You" month...and you know, her kids are pretty dang lucky. My girls are lucky to know what day of the week it is, let alone celebrate St. Patrick's day...

So I hope you all have a very lucky day today and we will see if I somehow attempt to make this day more meaningful for my girls next year.

I did make guacamole today. Does that count?

even though I am always trying to better myself...